My Cheaten "non-organic" Heart

Today I jammed everything I could imagine doing without a toddler around in one lil' ol day. This included Starbucks, returns, many purchases of "must need" items for baby, two Dr.'s appointments, Toys R' Us, and forgetting to eat lunch because I was to busy to feed myself and my unborn child (this resulted in a massive pot of ravioli's tonight that was eaten in its entirety in about twenty seconds). 

I can safely say I am well prepared after today's shopping spree. Now all I have to do is sanitize lots of stuff, and get all of the baby goods out of the in laws basement this weekend. I think in order to help me sleep at night I need the bassinet in the room, and car seat installed and then...maybe...just then...I can take a freaken chill pill.

I am beyond moody these days. I am going to owe my husband something big after the next 7 weeks. I am feeling now, what I felt 2-3 weeks before my due date last time. It ain't pretty. I am anxious, pissy, feeling like a truck ran over me, and severely crampy. I am sick of Braxton Hicks kicking my ass by making me feel like my stomach is in a vice grip--squuuuuueeezze. And the sleeping....oh don't even get me started on the sleeping. 

So today, I finally saw my real doctor and not the other women. I confessed that I was cheating, and we had some good laughs over it. I told her my concern about my scheduled c-section, which is possibly letting the other women take the scalpel. I wanted to hear from her that she trusted this women, and not just because she was a colleague. She told me she would absolutely tell me the truth and that some of her "colleagues" she wouldn't trust to take over her sections. Let me tell you, she calmed me down quickly. Little did I know these two are like ying and yang. They went to med school together, took their boards together, my doctor was her matron of honor, and the list goes on. This is like a security blanket to me, as I am so psychotically loyal to my OBGYN. I tell her how I know she was one of her "peeps" after the other women dropped an F bomb in front of me last time, and how I never trust those that don't swear. We also discussed me watching Oprah about the Matt blog and his wife dying, and how scary childbirth is (especially sections). She too watched the show, and told me why this happens, calms me down about my own blood issues, and tells me that a clot can happen to anyone, at anytime, and that she learned along time ago as a physician that she can only control so much. That there is a plan, and a higher power, and that life is just life. She also goes on to tell me she was not immune to the wanting to shit her pants when going into her 2nd scheduled section, even when a trusted colleague was doing it for her. I love that she is human. I was so relieved my doctor made me feel more secure in this, and then she did the unthinkable that could make a hormonal pregnant women cry. My doctor looked up the date in discussion for the section and said "well, I am off that day. However, if you are really nice to me, and you really are concerned, I will come in for you and do your section". I am not sure if I will make her do such a thing, but the fact that she offered it made me love her all that more. My doctor rocks, and for all of you fools out there not going to her, you are missing out on best. She also told me I am moody this time thanks to different hormones in the system thanks to "growing a girl" up in there instead of a boy. I'll take it, but I told her I am still holding out for going early, because I just can NOT deal. She told me she will see me in two weeks and then said, "unless of course you cheat on me and make an appointment with the other women". We laugh. And I am so thankful.

After such a positive appointment upstairs, I then when downstairs to my chiropractor. I figured out how to piss off an earthy-crunchy, I only eat organic, love Pathways magazine, chiropractor. You come in with samples of formula in your hand for your unborn, and you tell him about your scheduled section. He tried hard to sway me about the breast and the VBAC. However, my doctor happens to be a patient of his, and he told me he won't mess with her--she is one hardcore fighter of a women. I know he is still irritated that after years of service to my spine, he has yet to convert me. This makes me want to leave some hidden samples of formula all over his office, but I control myself, and walk out a little straighter, and my neck more more relaxed. 

My Wish List For My Kids

Dear Rylan and Baby Girl,

Here is a few things I want to make sure I tell you:

• No dream is to big. We will support you in whatever you do in life, as long as you are happy doing it.
• Make a difference in this world. Give to others. There is always someone worse off then you. Donate money, help someone cross the street, make someone in need a meal. The best thing in life isn't receiving, it is giving.
• Treat all people equal. Even if faith, school, friends, elders, and others tell you differently, Love sees no color or sex. Everyone in this world has the right to it.
• Don't let anyone ever tell you how to define your spirituality. It is within you. Special between only you and your maker. Find it, and cherish it always, it will never guide you wrong.
• To my daughter: Thrive at being a strong women with a voice. Generations before you had to fight for this right. Let yourself be heard, and speak on behalf of those that are not.
• To my son: You were born to this earth by a women. Remember this. Cherish women; respect them as your equal. Without them there would be no you. 
• If you spend too much time, and give too much of yourself at finding love or trying to make it work for you, then look elsewhere. Love should not have to be adjusted, hard, or convincing, it just should feel "right" through your entire being. 
• Your younger years should be about figuring out who you are, what you want to do, and being focused on you. Worry about all that "adult" stuff later. You will know when the time has come to grow up.
• Trust your instincts.
• Education is the key to all future doors opening!!! Take it seriously, and know it is a gift since many others in the world do not have such opportunities.
• Do no let anyone disrespect you, make you feel less then, or unheard. 
• Play. Vacation. Smile. Dance. 
• Always include humor.
• Pay attention to the world around you. It is easy to get self absorbed.
• Take chances.
• Family always comes first. Love each other, and support one another as you enter this journey together as siblings.
• When you fail, get back up and try again.
• Be a leader not a follower.
• Share.
• Be mindful.
• Try not to judge others. This is hard since we are all human and do this often. Do your best to put yourself in others shoes before casting stones.
• Say your sorry. Arguments and wrong doings can last a lifetime of pain, it is easier and healthier to take care of it in the now and own up to your own wrong doing.
• Cry. It is healthy and important to cry when you need to, regardless if you are a boy or a girl. Don't let anyone tell you that you are being a "sissy" or "overly dramatic".
• Say I love you often to those important in your life. 
• Be thankful. There are always blessings to count. 
• Lastly, most important: When Daddy says "Go Yankees" you say "Go Red Sox" --ok just kidding. What I really meant to say is, be your own person. Don't let others decide who you are (not even Mommy and Daddy), you have a soul, and a mind, you have purpose.

We love you both, and hope that we are blessed to see you grow up in this world doing all these great things. We know you are capable spirits, and we will always be proud of who you are, and the adults you will become.

Baby Girl Baby Shower

Today was the perfect day for a shower. A little to perfect. When we are pushing 90 degree's in April it is oddly uncomfortable for us New Englanders since we haven't had time to adjust yet. Rylan however, took no time adjust, as he spent the day in his kiddie pool filled with ice cold water! It was a great day filled with family, friends, food, cold drinks, and generous gifts. After today I feel like I am now officially ready to have this baby girl (minus a few things I must purchase this week from my registry so that I feel "fully" prepared).

Well needed Diapers:
Lots of new clothes:
A Girl Cake


Friends:
Lots of Bottle Loot
Girly things
Making the best of the HOT weather


Opening Gifts:

Pregnant Bellies, Heat, And A Lizard Loven Valentine

Saturday was a beautiful day. Finally the east coast experienced some love from the sun! However, it made for some not so comfortable sleeping last night, and certainly a no napping situation this afternoon! I forgot what a pain it is in the last month(s) of pregnancy it is to get comfortable for sleep to begin with, never mind trying to sleep through heat.

We were so happy to have fellow blogger, and my very close friend Emily in town today, with her smiley daughter Sam. Emily and I are only about two weeks apart due with baby #2. Clearly (see pictures below) I look like I am due about 2/3 months ahead of her, as Em looks fantastic! (almost as if she just shoved a ball under her shirt) We enjoyed chatting in person (it has been a while with me here and her in Boston), and discussing our baby preparations. We also thought it was funny when we went outside to get some pictures, how quickly we both became so overheated. Us pregnant ladies had to run inside for a well needed break from the sun. Next time we see the Valentine family we both will be expanded by a new baby in the picture! How exciting!

Here are some pictures:

Two June Bugs Waiting To Arrive
Two Mommies, Two Bellies, And Two Kiddos 

Did I stuff a Turkey under my shirt? ...meanwhile Emily has a nice basketball
Sammy is SOOOOOO happy!
Awaiting the big day they become older siblings!
Sammy REALLLLLLYYY likes the lizard.

To Pee Or Not To Pee

When Rylan holds down his pee pee to go pee on the potty he squeals like he won the Olympics, and expects me to cheer him on like I should be waving an American flag in the air . He reaches out to squeeze me when his business is completed, because I am making it a ridiculously big deal that he finally urinated on the big boy pot. We celebrate with washing hands, and M&M's. Then it is over. For the day.

This has been our story all week. Suddenly he gains interest in going. He loves the attention, the exploration of the big toilet, and ...well...being naked. Lately he scolds me when I go to put his diaper on, one would think this is prime time to strap on the underwear, but that is just it he doesn't want those either. When Master Rylan is in potty mode, he wants to be nude, and I am not just talking no pants nude, I am talking completely nude. This becomes an uncomfortable matter when we have his therapists coming over, and a guy working on our deck. I try to tell him in kid language that it isn't "appropriate". So he wears diapers, and only potty's once a day.

I am worried I am missing my window of opportunity here. That the novelty of excitement might wear off and I will be stuck with my college aged son wearing a big ass pull-up. I guess it because every kid I know his age is either fully trained or working on it, and I have been in chill mode. Until now. Now I am in "holy sh--eesh my kid is about to turn three, I am about to have a baby, and I must do EVERYTHING NOW" mode. So right now I am teetering between doing what he is comfortable with (the once a day cheer on in the bathroom), or pushing him a bit harder (with fear he will only retreat back to old habits when the baby is born), and let the kid be naked. 

All I know is I better figure out what I can do to top the "pee" cheer, when #2 happens! I might be forced to higher the people that do airplane tricks in the air and spell out "Rylan did #2" in the air!

Nesting: HOLY Nesting

Setting up the nursery:

Washing clothes:
Freezing Meals:

Rylan 3D Ultrasound vs. Baby Girl D 4D Ultrasound

I thought it would be neat to look back at Rylan's 32 week ultra-sound scan (I was measuring large with him too). Apparently when you measure large you get the cool 3D or 4D scan! (at least here in CT). Rylan's wasn't as clear but I remember thinking how cool it was to get a quick glimpse of chubby cheeks that were to be born in a matter of weeks!

Rylan @ 32 week 3D scan:

Baby Girl D at 32 weeks 4D Scan:

Giving Is Better Than Receiving

Sometimes we, as humans, get stuck in our own little world. We catapult ourselves into thinking our problems are bigger then anyone elses, and get bitter when we are asked to help and justify a no by saying, "who is helping me?".

It is true we sit in hard times financially. We are all feeling it, on all levels. I don't know a soul that is living large, and not feeling the pinch of the penny. But the questions remains: What kind of person do you want be? (regardless of finances)

I know you are wondering what this is all about. I will get to it in a moment, just bare with me people.

Many religions believe that when you serve others you are closest to God. That even though you are helping someone, they to are helping you in an abundance of ways. I became a social worker for this reason. I enjoyed being a part of change, and making a difference in peoples lives at a very early age. Although I had too many clients I could write volumes about that let me down after putting my best efforts forward, the good still out way the bad. I soon learned why thou shall not judge, how to be a voice for those mute in our society, and doing random acts of kindness that don't always have to mean money donations.

The most harshly judged in the homeless. As a people we conclude that most the homeless on the street are drug users, choosing to live there, and should get off their behinds and get a job flipping burgers. I know all of societies bitter tales when it comes to the homeless, because much of my career was dealing with this population that never got a break. We tell battered women to get out while they can, yet when they have no place to go-- our facilities are too full, and they are alone on the streets with kids. Instead of caring for our nations abused runaway kids that did not ask for such harsh abuse they had to leave their home, we tell them to stand in line for a "possible bed" for tonight's homeless shelter that is less then safe. We honor our vets that come home from war battered, and bruised with horrible post traumatic stress disorder, by calling them crazy drunks on the street. We walk by these people everyday, while pretending, as they shake their can is distress for change, that they don't exist. We assume our change will buy them a "hit", or some alcohol.  We somehow think we will never get as low as them, and will never need a "handout". We forget that any and all homeless are those in need. Even if they will spend it on drugs, or alcohol, it is a disease our society is ignoring, and we leave them to suffer alone.

My favorite service I ever did had nothing to do with my "job". I was walking the streets of Copley Square in Boston on my 21st birthday, wondering how I could make a difference. I walked by a women on the street shaking her can. She had a on green facial mask (one we would wear for preserving our skin), was wearing clothes with holes in them (in December), and looked disheveled. I walked by her like everyone else. I probably in my head thought if she was crazy and she wasn't worth helping--she choose this path. Then I went into Burger King to grab a Whopper, and I saw her sitting at a table counting pennies, desperate for a meal. In that moment my heart sank, and I felt a calling to do the right thing. I approached her, and offered her a meal. There I was on my 21st birthday learning a major life lesson, while spending my few and far between college cash on this women. She was thankful. So was I.

I am writing this because my dear friend Sarah that I often write about, is being moved to serve herself. She is across this country at this very moment in San Francisco trying to help a family in distress. A friend of hers came across the family on the street. The average American would by cynical and wonder what the family "really wanted" with strangers loose change. It is natural to feel that way, but luckily Sarah's friend took it a step forward. She documented this women's story on her blog. She and Sarah followed up and found this women in a hotel that was located in a neighborhood that Sarah said she wouldn't want to leave her dog in. The homeless women is one of those women we as people urge to "get out" while they can. She got out, with three kids in tow, (including a baby), and now is exhausting every avenue in our government for help, finding little to nothing. She is NOT a drug user, and is doing her best to keep her and her children alive. You can read her story HERE and HERE!! If you can find it in your heart to do anything----ANYTHING to help this family, please do. At the end of the day, if it was you forced out on the streets, wouldn't you want to depend on fellow citizens for help, over waiting months and months for the governments, while being forced to raise your kids on the streets?

If you are not in the SF area, and money is tight right now, you have nothing to donate, nor any leads of services, the act of giving doesn't have to stop here at just reading this post. There is someone always in need for an abundance of reasons in any and all areas, even when we don't have the time or money to do something. Take a minute to serve, and learn a life lesson by it. 

BABY 32 week 4D scan

Before I show the good stuff--let me bore you with the other stuff!!! First off--I got a 4D ultra-sound for part of it! SO COOL!!! Now all the other stuff:
Baby weighs 3lbs 13oz as of today! She has HAIR! She also has the same facial features I had as a baby (nose, lips, big cheeks). She is head down (even though that doesn't matter in my case), active, and loves her lips (I saw her put her foot, and hand in her mouth, yawn, and smack her lips together a few times). I went to the high risk pregnancy place for this scan just to make sure all is good, and none of the bad stuff that happened in the first trimester was in there--and luckily the placenta, fluid, and cord looks GREAT! Now all I need is the baby!

updated note: I also meant to say that I have confirmation that is a GIRL! She showed us well! :-)

No Sleep With Mom Ear On Extra Volume

I thought there was a war outside last night. I nearly shook in my bed while hail, lightening, and thunder illuminated my room. It was midnight, and I thought about going in to scoop up Rylan and bring him in my bed with me. However, I chose not to, since he continued to stay in his bed like a champ. I did hear him say, "Big Rain" a few times, but besides that he was less of a baby about it then his mother. I, on the other hand, stayed wide awake until the storm passed, since it was so loud and I was convinced it was going to crack the windows and come in. When it was over I calmed down hoping for a peaceful night, while my kid had already went back to sleep about five lightening, and six thunders ago.

A few hours pass and I hear the little king start crying and saying, "PACI--PACI--PAAACCCCIIII". I know I have to end this bad habit of his, but for now it soothes the beast, and while going through some major changes in his life, I opt for waiting it out. What I am not fond of, is him crying until a parent comes in to find the darn thing for him. It is like having a newborn again! I want to tell him "find your own dang paci", but it is easier to go it, conquer, and plug him. He rolls over and goes to sleep. I go into to bed thinking about paci's and how to get him out of this habit, which keeps me awake for another hour or so.

I jump up hearing little feet trying to get down him step stool. It is now a few hours from the last few hours, and Rylan is sleep walking, while whining. I walk into seeing my kid in a daze, while whimpering. I tell him it is still "night night time", even though for him, he is still sleeping. I tuck him in, and he rolls over. I go back to bed wondering when I am going to get sleep while Pete is gone (Pete is gone this week on business in Texas), and sadly an hour later I am counting sheep.

7 a.m. I hear a loud toddler talking about helicopters, and I want to pretend the toddler isn't mine, and he is my dreams. Hr gets louder, and louder, and even tries the screaming "PACI PACI PAAAAACCCIIII" to try and get him mother up out of bed. I stall. I try to zone out knowing he won't get up until I tell him he ok, but the kid won't shut up. Who taught him how to talk anyway? Alas, I roll my round belly out of bed to start another day!

Is it nap time yet?

Belated Easter Pics

We had a very busy post Easter week and some how I forgot to post a few pics from our Easter day!

Park Days

We had a few days of perfect weather this past week! Here are a few pics of our park days (including one with his friend Melody)!

31 Plus Weeks Baby Bump

All Girls Concert Means Ladies Room Is A Half Hour Wait

I was behind fifty women waiting to pee, and at least fifty waited behind me. A few brave souls slipped into the Men's room, but I choose to wait it out and hope it moved fast. I tried hard to not think of peeing, and instead chat with my sister about other things while secretly hoping someone twenty people up would hear there is a pregnant lady, and let me cut. Not a chance.

I wish I had a camera to take a picture of me waiting in this massive line. Leave it to an Indigo Girls concert to have a long line at the Women's door, and barely a man looking for the Men's one. 

It must be weird for men to be in a room with over a thousand women, and they can count on two hands the number of men. It is similar to being straight in the same crowd, never mind pregnant. I was happy to see that I was not the only pregnant lady in the crowd, I was one of two.

While in the midst of the crowd Pete was pointing out the small amount of men in the crowd, when he pointed out one that I giggled and said "no that is a girl" (quietly on the down low). Pete stood by his, "It's another man", and started to say in his regular, way above quiet voice, "That's a man baby That's a man". Two women holding hands behind us took a sigh in, and I wanted to hide, because they heard him too! This was on the heels of when Pete and my brother in law went to the bathroom, and I kiddingly said to my sister across two seats, " I hope they don't get mauled by all the ladies out there". The same to ladies heard and looked appalled. By now I wanted to turn around and tell them that I love lesbians. That I went to all girls college, and that I am not here to offend them. (although not-a one let me cut them in line to pee--so I am minorly bitter)

In the end, the concert was great (minus some of my favorite tunes missing), and I was happy, (and feeling old) that 90% of it was a concert sitting down. Baby girl Dos Santos went to her first and last in the belly concert, and I didn't even wet my pants! A true success.

(still terribly sad to be missing Dave Matthews this Summer)

Big Mac Baby Bump Brings On The Sexy

Who knew a mere week shy of being 8 months pregnant that I can still be looked upon as a hottie? It happened.  And I wasn't even in the Bronx! (I say this because while pregnant with Rylan and teaching in the Bronx, I was hit on regularly from Hispanic men who found pregger ladies sexy) Instead it happened here in the suburbs, from a business suit wearing, white guy! Shocking I know!

My friend Pam leaned over the McDonald's table to inform me that this man was "clearly checking me out". I, of course, think she is seeing things, and say something like, "Isn't everybody, I am so sexy right now" (while rubbing my tummy). Except, right then he leaves and turns to face me. He slides his sunglasses down his nose like a librarian, and smiles at me. Pam wasn't dreaming! I would like to also mention that while discussing this our kids were standing on the seats, and we were trying to stuff them with burgers and nuggets! So not only was I being checked out pregnant, I was being checked out clearly with my kid!

My only explanations for this is as follows:

• He knows me. Tonight I am going to get a message on Facebook from some Tom, Dick, or Harry that knew me when, and will say, "hey were you at McDonald's today. I thought it was you, but you look so different" (aka FAT)
• He saw my 2nd sausage link chin and suddenly found himself wishing the Breakfast menu was up instead of Lunch
• He was fascinated by how much a pregnant women could eat
• He thought Pam and I were "two Mommies" with my new girl loven haircut and hoped we'd make out
• Maybe he just likes fat chicks, and thought this baby bump was really a Big Mac bump --Maybe just maybe he likes big butts and he can not lie.
• desperate. Maybe this guy was trying to make "eyes" with any women in Mickey D's because he needs to get some. Poor guy has no clue that pregnant girls don't put out, so he shouldn't start there.

Regardless of this guys reasons, it is always a joy think someone besides your husband took a looksie at you, and liked what he saw. Even if it is a bit creepy that it happens to be while carrying a baby inside you.

Will I Give Birth To A Pig?

Suddenly I feel like getting out my gardening tools and making sure the yard looks decent before the baby arrives (I mean clearly she is going to care). Yesterday I pushed her nursery furniture around trying to decide it's flow, and made a note of what is missing right now (a rug must be bought ASAP--because clearly she needs a rug in her room to keep her toes warm when she is first born). I also started to think about what I needed to pack for myself, and Rylan for five days vacation in the hospital and Ry's to the in laws. The lists. The cooking. The cleaning. Clearly the height of nesting is starting to set in at 31 weeks today!

I have also been plagued by odd dreams. The other night I gave birth to a baby piglet and had to go to the Zoo to learn how to care for it. I am crossing my fingers there is no "pig" background in Pete's family. Last night I dreamt I kept peeing Kool-aid (since I have been drinking so much of it lately), and that it was me breaking my water--just cherry Kool-aid style! Later in the night I was dreaming there was microscopic worms in my Kool-aid that I was drinking and filling my unborn baby with! Today I am not drinking Kool-aid.

I am not aloud to nap. If I nap, even for a quick half hour, it makes me sleep the rest of the night with one eye open. It is as if the only way to sleep through a baby moving all night inside me, not finding a spot to get comfortable, and acid reflux, is being so exhausted that you pass out and sleep one step away from a coma. 

Latte's. It has been over a month Dunkin Donuts has made their small latte's 99 cents! I barely go a day without having one! It's icy, caramel goodness, makes me gitty at the drive up, and sad when I get to the bottom of it and curse them for putting in too much ice. Once this 99 cent thing is over I am clearly screwed. I need to learn what is in those things and how to recreate it at home! A low-fat way, since soon enough I can no longer eat what I want, in six weeks I won't be pregnant, I will just be FAT!

Hugs. My kid wants hugs all the time. He clearly at heighten status that thing are about to change up in this crib! It just so happens to mean that the crib we own will actually be filled. Rylan is so clingy these days, and although love is grand, sometimes I just need some space. We watched A Baby Story the other day together, and we chatted about "Baby girl" coming out of Mommy's tummy from the Doctor, and how Rylan will be a big brother. He didn't seem to concerned other then he kept saying, "baby cries whah whah", and I start to worry he has some inside knowledge that this kid in my belly is going to be a crier! YIKES.

Speaking of "Baby girl", she still has no name. We are about six to eight weeks away from her birthday, and she remains nameless! However, we have a few toppers, and one new one that was not yet shared on this blog! I am not sure how this kid is going to be named. Pete and I might have to resort to rock, paper, scissors, or draw straws in the operating room.

New On The Blog Roll

So of course I can depend on Oprah to make me cry, and set the scene for a heart wrenching story about a man who is now a single dad after his wife died a day after giving birth! Of course he is known thanks to his heart wrenching blog: here it is

There is many hours of reading on there for me to read. Hope you tune in and let it rip your heart out too!

Baby Update

Yep I cheated on her again. Me and my entire 31 weeks prego body. 

I asked some more details about my c-section today, and got some very clear answers. I know I said this the last time, but one of the things I really love about this Dr. is that she is so to the point. I adore my main Dr., and she certainly has her pro's in my eyes, but her approach is completely different and laid back. For right now I like answers, explanations, and some faster paced approach which means of course, I made yet another date with the "other women". This is where Pete sings the song "secret lovers" to me. 

What came out of today? I only gained two pounds. However, I am positive the two pounds was put in my second roll chin that looks like I stuffed a bunch of sausage links in it. The baby is still measuring big, but sounds wonderful. The other conversation that I am convinced I wouldn't have had with my regular OB was nailing down a c-section date. The new Doc promised that next time that is just what will do. It is music to my ears to finally think I will have a date, although she reminded me of course that there is a chance I may go early. This of course makes me want the earlier date which means this new lady will be doing the section! I tell her I feel like I am totally cheating on the regular Dr.! She laughs and assures me the Dr. won't care. They are good friends and this keeps me feeling like I can trust them both. She starts using her computerized chart to read up on my last birth and drops the F bomb when it malfunctions. I think--wow it doesn't get any better does it! I finally found two Dr.'s willing to swear which to me makes them real in my book!  She was reading my charts because I had asked her about some side effects I had after birth and my worries about it. She also explained epidural vs. spinal block. Now I feel ready.

Next week I am off to my 32 weeks ultrasound, and the week after that a booked birthday!

A Work In Progress

I cried half the day away on Easter, and topped it off yesterday with some more hours of tears. I was sitting in a crossroads, wondering what I should do. 

Luckily Pete took control of the never ending madness that was going on in my head, and told me I could no longer do this. He picked up the phone and spoke.

I sat in tears thinking about the hardest relationship I have ever been in. 

A Mother in-law and Daughter in-law relationship is a complex one. It is one that isn't chosen, impedes into your life when you have at least twenty years behind you without each other, and there is no rules on how to make it work. 

When I was blessed with a son I remember crying over the future of having to let him go "to another women". I can't imagine this feeling. I could identify while holding my baby boy what my Mother in-law must have felt when I came into the scene. I was no longer just a girlfriend that would come and go, I was now going to be her sons wife, and now she had to share. Us strong ladies don't like to share. I loathe sharing. I especially loathe sharing my son. I can't imagine 20, 30 years passing by, and suddenly being forced to this. 

I am sure I wasn't the ideal lady love she would have chosen for Pete. I wasn't Portuguese, and I certainly wasn't quiet and submissive. She probably saw from day one that I would give her a run for her money, and held her breathe in hopes it would be smooth sailing. However, it started off a bit rocky, as we tried to feel each other out, and get used to the idea of sharing Pete. 

I remember being pregnant with Rylan and crying about not wanting to share this baby inside me. That I shared enough of what I loved with my Mother in-law, why must I share him too. Selfishly, I had hoped Rylan would just stay in there forever. Then I would not have to share his love and affection with anyone.  Soon enough I gathered this was unrealistic, and selfish of me. I wanted, and needed Rylan to be loved by many. I wanted him to experience things I never got to as a child. I wanted him to feel like there was more to life then just Mom and Dad. 

My Mother in-law and I found common ground in our love for my child. When he was born I felt like suddenly our relationship was taking a turn. After giving birth myself, and 9 months of carrying him inside me, I had an understanding of her, and the fact that she once carried and birthed Pete. Without her, there would have been no him, and for that I would be forever grateful.

She is a very giving women. Since the day my child was born she has done nothing but give in all ways. She wants to vacation with us as a family, be involved with watching Rylan seeing Elmo Live, and can't go a week without seeing his face. I trust her. I consider her a great friend of mine, and in many ways a second Mother. I seek her guidance, I enjoy her company, and over all I respect her.

It gets hairy when we compare notes, and realize we are very, very, very similar women. Strong willed, and liking things our way, seems to sometimes get the best of us. Things get said unfiltered, feelings get hurt, and we often go on as if nothing happened. Strong women like us don't like to show our vulnerable, sensitive side. 

Well, as you can see by now, this is what I was speaking about in my last post. I don't feel the need to go into detail about the incident per say, since I feel like it lacks both sides view, and I would hate to write something that could be offensive to her. Plus it wasn't about this one incident per say, it was about the 12715930269790 ones before this. I just finally found my limit, and secretly wished I hated her so that I wouldn't be so hurt.

I thought about moving far far away. Then I wouldn't have to share Pete OR Rylan. Then comments made, situations handled a certain way, would only happen on a few times a year basis. This is what I was contemplating in my bed Easter evening. How can I get away? This seemed like an easier option then facing her and telling her what was wrong.

I was scared. Frightened. Shaking in my boots. The facade us women of strength often give is one of being unapproachable. I feared she would never talk to me again, and that out family would be ruined because I opened my big mouth.

Pete couldn't handle another day of his wife crying all day, and his Mom giving him short answers on the phone. So he called. I was forced to speak. Thank God for him because I was freed, and I am pretty sure she was too.

We came to an understanding. We also vocalized how we have to communicate better, and not put Pete or Rylan in the middle of us trying to figure out this thing called "sharing". I was surprised how to the point, careful, and flowing all of my words came without sobbing, or yelling. How easy it was to tell her how much I appreciated her, and didn't want our miscommunications, or hiccups along the way to ruin our family. 

Sure there is no handbook on this matter. This forced relationship thanks to marriage that happens, works only if you work it. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes some balls. It certainly takes time to get used to.

Trying To Bite The Bullet

I am just not good with confrontation.

Others may have guessed that I am, since I often seem to be made of a very hard shell on the outside, but in I am a barrel of mush waiting to explode.

I can not confront without crying. I can not say what I want to say without emotion playing a part. When all I really want to do is make my "to the point"statements, ask that my requests be respected, and move on.

When you hold onto things they eat at you. So much so that they become bigger then what you are, and entrap you with "what if" scenarios you may not be willing to take on just to free your soul.  Especially when you are dealing with someone so close to your inner circle! I wish the majority of confrontations had to happen with strangers that we don't care about and don't care about the "what if" scenarios!

I wish I could tell you about the demons I am battling today. I wish I could ask for advice on how to approach this situation. However, if I put it out there for the entire world to read and see, I am quite sure my cover would be blown. I would be stuck not only with the original reason to have to confront, but also the explanation on why I first aired the dirty laundry on the Internet and not to the source.

I am still not certain I will be able to say what I need to in order to live peacefully. I might just go on letting my soul fill up with bad scenarios and hurt feeling because I am a sissy. Plus how am I certain it is the right thing to do? People don't change unless they are willing to, and this could certainly cause a lifetime of rift by just opening my mouth. 

I know, I know.

I need to say something. Anything. Even if it isn't the entire kit and caboodle that I dream of saying, a little bit could go a long way when it comes to peace.

Easter Fun

Today, in between making all the yummy things to bring to Easter dinner, we did some Easter activities! We colored eggs, and painted some Easter pictures!

Rylan dunking the eggs into the dye:
Patiently waiting for the eggs to dye:
Just checking:
Painting while the eggs are being dried:
Mini Easter Baskets Mommy made for Grandma and Great Grandma:
Putting stickers on the eggs:
Our finished products:
Rylan giving his Daddy some Easter Love: