She Lasted Til' 8:30!

Saying Goodbye To 2010 And HELLO 2011

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

*Attended BlogHer for the first time and loved the fact it was in was in old hood! First time away from husband and children *Met Sylvia Browne *Was a foot away from Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale in Central Park *went to the Bahamas *went to Disney World with Addison for the first time *Gave my first two Junebug birthdays in the month of June *witnessing ALL of Addison's firsts (joys of a stay at home Mom) *Saw King Tut's belongings up close and personal *met Bruce Jenner *tried something new on a menu *stepped away from blogging a little less

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


So I didn't lose the baby weight I had projected to rid myself of, but I gained respect for the body that I am in. The fact it has brought two lives into the world is amazing, and although I hope to lose poundage in 2011, I am also ok if I don't.

I also vowed to "live more on the edge", but dude--I can't. I am way to anxiety stricken. I would love to try and live my life a little less planned, sorted, and sealed in a detailed box, but we shall see. Maybe 2011 will be my year to break free!

Lastly--I had stated 2010 would be my year of letting go people that didn't deserve my time, making time for people that do, and being my most authentic self. For that one--and only that one--I give myself a A-

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


Yes. Friends that have sweet babies that make my "I am so done having babies" ovaries melt into "hmmmm baby #3?"

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. Sadly my uncle.

5. What countries did you visit?

Bahamas

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Self discipline. Not in the eating category or the work out one--but more in the area of spirituality, being intune with who I am, and making time to reflect.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May: when I met Sylvia and had complete verification of my childhood memories. June: Birthday madness of my Junebugs July: 4th of july down the beach with my family in Rhode Island August: BLOGHER'10 fun times and holy swag October: witnessing my kids first Disney parade and the light in their eyes

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Re-entering the work field at a pace that was desirable while reminding me why I love my career. Making a final decision on people, places, and things that have bothered me for years, and traveling (although close, and with blog friends) on my own (meaning minus husband and children) --HUGE DEAL.
9. What was your biggest failure?

batting post-pardum, and not being able to curb my moods.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major. Just (as stated above) dealt with post pardum, and was diagnosed with endometriosis

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A smart phone. Hands down! a close 2nd place would be a good latte day

12. Where did most of your money go?
Christmas. Yikes. AND Starbucks :-)

13. What did you get really excited about?
I feel like a parrot on repeat: Sylvia meeting (nearly crapped my pants meeting her) and Gwen and Gavin up close and personal

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Def. Carryout by Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. Mainly because I love it so much!!!!

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Depends on the day.
– thinner or fatter? fatter but in a better state of mind.
– richer or poorer? po po poor

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Got down on the floor and played with the kids

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stepped away from the laptop

18. How did you spend Christmas?
At home. I hosted the inlaws!

19. What was your favorite TV program?
For a laugh: Modern Family For drama: Private Practice and for Reality: Intervention Sadly my all time favorite soap ended after many years!

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Seriously I am still hanging on to 2010's pick of Eat Pray Love (nothing has touched that book since).

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Pinks new song! Dave Mathews (what else in new), and Shakira!!!

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

The Town. Best movie I have seen in a long time! And I also loved Eat Pray Love and Sex & The City 2

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my actual birthday I went to the children's museum with my kids! But on my birthday weekend went to NYC for the King Tut exhibit and had a fab meal alone with the hubs. I turned 34.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more money, less debt. What else is new in this economy while trying to stay home to raise my kiddos.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

comfortable. Yes I have given up. I no longer feel the need to try to wear pearls to the playground in order to make friends. If you don't like my sweatpants you can find some other pearl wearing momma--that chick ain't me. Authentic self = comfort

26. What kept you sane?

My husband. My kids often. Tea. Prayer. and my little ol' blog.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.


I love to blog. I love to read blogs. I love being connected to the world via a tweet, or a status update. However, living--REAL HONEST TO GOD living-- doesn't exist when you are all consumed by it. I was missing valuable time with my kids and husband, I wasn't doing things purposely to stay home and be in front of the glowing screen, and I forgot what was important. My hope for 2011 is finding a happy medium. To make more time to stay connected to people "in real life", while finding time in my days of "living life present" to blog and still be social network connected.

And A Year Comes To An End

An entire year is coming to an end.

A year in which my baby became a toddler. My family has flown to the Bahamas & Florida, enjoyed family vacations at Sesame Place & Rhode Island, and I gave two birthdays in the month of June for the first time. Addison experienced her first trip to Disney. I was brought to tears watching both of my kids in awe of the Disney parade. Addison said her first words, took her first steps, and grew each day before our eyes. Rylan tried apples and liked them (believe me this is BIG). I attended my first BlogHer conference. I nearly threw up in the middle of Central Park all over Gwen Stefani's shoes, while trying to get my son to make a friend in Kingston. I experienced one of the most amazing days on earth when meeting Sylvia Browne. I started working again, and feeling that career fire in my belly. I tried a Magnolia Bakery cupcake, had the best donut of my life at Donut Planet, and ate meals that knocked my socks off. Pete and I saw Dave Mathews twice this year (both in NYC). I saw things I used to see in my history text books, up close & personal (King Tut). I found new blogs to read (Aunt Becky!), while meeting the person behind one of my favorites (Heather Spohr). I was introduced to Google Reader (I know--I blossomed late on this). I started to actually twitter & got my first "smart" phone. I swung on the swings with my kids and didn't care what neighbor saw me do it. I battled my weight and my insecurities. I gave up on friendships and relationships that deemed unworthy. I gained wonderful new friendships, went on fun date nights, and held newborn babies my friends welcomed to the world in 2010. I watched my eighty-something year old grandma make it through open heart surgery, and lost another family member to Cancer. I witnessed my son, so sweetly, and innocently, go over to my other Grandmother, home bound, and suffering from Alzheimer's, and hold her hand, bend over and kiss her. I took amazing pictures with my Cannon Rebel from Christmas 2009. I captured heartfelt moments on my FLIP also from Christmas 2009. Finally saw Eat Pray Love on the big screen! I became a gold card member for Starbucks I pulled Addison on her first sled, and her first ocean she was dipped in was in the Bahamas. I saw my dear friends from Bermuda more then once this year, and enjoyed vacationing with them at Sesame Place. I was present for my kids first embrace with one another, my daughter "mwah'ing" all of us all the time, and my son not ending his day without his daily hugs with Mom. I was blessed with a husband who still lets the kid in him play, while being the Dad I always dreamed of as my companion, all while continuing to support, love, and take care of me.

In a year so much has happened. So much I can't even write it all. However, clearly it was a memorable one over all. So many blessings, so many things that continue to leave me reflecting on how I could've done different, or how I could be so blessed. In my darkest hour, my lowest of lows, it is hard to not see the silver lining when I have been granted/blessed/given so many amazing people, places, and things.

I am not making resolutions this year that I can't make. I am not doing the drastic "This year I shall lose 50 pounds, travel the world, and find my purpose in life". I am doing baby steps, manageable steps, things I think I need to work on in order to make who I am a better person.

If 2011 is half the year 2010 has been to me, I will call it a great success.

Happy New Year To ALL Of You And Your Families! May You Cup Runneth Over! Cheers!

Blessings For All And For All A Goodnight!

I was lucky enough to get a million great gifts this Christmas, and well ....this one:

Oh yes! This beauty was bough from my husband! He thought it was a "cool" hat and "handmade", and thus I must love it! (please forgive the no make up, I am so tired from being Santa, mug)He forgot that although I AM a 70's baby, I am not down with 70's carpet on my head. It came from love; and with love it shall return. He also gave me a super clean..... bathmat. He says it was a "joke" gift but I don't know he is pretty adamant we keep that bad boy. Pete also gave me loads of wonderfully thoughtful and loving gifts (like a sweet Christmas card that he writes me every year, and EVERY year I seem to forget to write him one--poor guy).

My kids were out of their minds with new toy excitement that they weren't quite sure what to do with it all! Santa's stack was looking like this:

While my inlaws gifts to them were piled downstairs and almost up the entire wall! Rylan's favorite gift is his beloved Lego airplane he asked every Santa he saw to get! The Lego airplane that is over 300 pieces that I am about to use every brain cell I have after writing this post to actually make! It looks excruciating, and I just love a little Christmas torture on myself! He also totally dug his remote controlled snake, and his snake book. Addison loves her cleaning cart with a working vacuum, her shopping cart that has a car under it for her babies, and her Bitty Baby. However her all time favorite was this:

Tables and chairs her size is TOTALLY her thing!

My first time making Prime Rib was a hit! I won $20 in scratch off tickets, and having a small group of people over in the comfort of my own home was key! I even got to wear slipper socks with my fancy Christmas outfit because that is how I roll! (without said hat above)

And although the food was good, gifts great, day full of perfection, I always go back to why we celebrate this day, and how none of it would be with out the man upstairs. I am so eternally grateful for all the blessings I have. For my healthy kids, and the ability to lap up their excitement on Christmas morning. For my loving husband that loves me regardless of negatives, and always fights for my honor. For my family and dear friends that stand by me, love me, and offer an abundance of support. This list is endless, but my days aren't. Knowing this reminds me never to take such awesome, amazing moments, people, places, or things for granted.

God is good.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Random Thoughts Of A Holly Jolly Week

• sobbing at 11:30pm in my bed when clearly I should be sleeping, doesn't happen often. However, the reason for my sobbing does. MTV's 16 & Pregnant (and Teen Mom too) has made me an addict (right up there with Intervention which is still my number 1 love). Earlier that day I was in Rylan's school for an assembly and a teenager came up to me and said, "I want a baby" while I was holding Addison. My only response was "they are hard work". Later that night when I was watching Ashley's story I was hoping that girl that said that to me was watching this. I, at 34 years old, was so moved by the story that I actually posted a comment (or two) on Ashley's blog (hence the sobbing). I went to sleep grateful I wasn't 16 & pregnant, and that I had babies when I was old enough to take on such a huge responsibility. I can not even fathom being in Ashley's shoes.
• While thinking about what it bummer it was that I missed the eclipse I found myself thinking: "I wish I had an infant and had a middle of the night feeding. Then I could have caught it!". Who in their right mind wishes for midnight feedings for anything? (never mind an eclipse)
• At Rylan's preschool eye spy a parent with thirteen bottles of wine she is giving out to teachers and school staff. I was shocked, and it rubbed me the wrong way. It reminded me of the time while teaching in the Bronx a fellow teacher got a surprise gift of a sexy thong! (it was hilarious since this teacher was the FARTHEST thing from a girly girl). As funny as the gift may be... inappropriate. Wine is like thongs to me when it isn't a personal relationship. Totally odd and random to me.
• I have watched about ten hours worth of Intervention this week. Catching up on my tivo hours has caused Intervention over load. Although it gives me a sense of comfort from when I used to work in the field, emotionally it ends a week exhausted and worried about strangers I never met since I am all to familiar with the statics in sobriety.
• I am sick of cookies. Christmas cookies are fun for the first dozen, but by dozen 6,430 they aren't so scrumptious.
• I always try to convince myself that I love wrapping gifts until after the first 5 perfectly wrapped with bows gifts are done and I am all "fuck it, where's the gift bags?"
• My son thinks I am cheating on my husband. While listening to "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" he seriously, with a concerned looked, asked me "Mommy do you kiss Santa?". I never saw that song to be so provocative and porno until that day. Now every time it comes on he declares, "Mommy you don't kiss Santa do you?", and I sigh, who knew there was such a thing as a dirty Christmas carol?
• I am so done with hiding the freaking Elf. I can't wait to peace out "Tommy" our Elf of the Shelf for the season.
• Addison's new favorite thing to do is invade my makeup draw and wearing my dirty underwear around her neck while I am in the shower. There is so many things wrong with this but all I can concentrate on is "please kid don't mistake birth control pills for candy". Note to self: put safety lock on said bathroom draw, and put underwear in hamper before going into the shower. Who would have thought I would have a panty snatcher in the house?
• Found a solution to "Find a new Pediatrician in 2011". The women comes with raving reviews, and is willing to meet me and the kids next month! I am hopeful, and relieved!
• Must See Little Fockers
• Pleased to see this week end with gifts, snow, kids face lit up, and Jesus love!

Being Santa Is Hard Work

I was singing "Holly Jolly Christmas" when I entered the check out line of the grocery store (which is trip #2 this week already and I have 2 more to go!), while thinking "Wow ... the kids & I got through this madness unscathed". Feeling victorious, I check out, I say "Merry Christmas" to familiar towns people, and smile. We even ring the bell of good service on our way out, and suddenly..... I am so scathed.

Panic strikes when I realize I am out in the cold weather, with two kids, and a cart filled with groceries, and no car keys. NO CAR KEYS. I try to get myself to breathe Lamaze style, and try to thinking logistically where they could be. Everywhere I think they might be, they aren't.

I rush into customer care center and with a frazzled look, messy hair, and my son saying "Mommy WHY did you lose the keys?" over and over again, a sweet employee lifts up something heavenly. Yes, usually this would mean chocolate, but today...taa-dahh my KEYS! Some sweet and thoughtful soul found them outside and brought them into the store.

This is what holiday frenzy gets me. I have been nothing short of a hot mess lately. Sure I paused for cute hair, and a ladies lunch this weekend, but don't think for a minute my mind lets me stay in the moment. I am constantly thinking about what I have yet to do, and when I will do it. Pete says I out due myself every year in attempts to keep everyone happy. I am sure this is true in some circumstances, but in others I feel it is my duty as a Mom, as a friend, as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a Godmother, and so on and so forth, to do these things. This leaves me in a flustered, irritable, one minute I am up, and the next one I am biting your head off, type mood. I curb it with Starbucks, new hair, and a way to early bed time.

I think Santa is bringing me a holiday attitude adjustment. Oh... and hopefully a cleaning lady because phewwwwwwwwwww is my house an every loving mess. I barely get time to pee, and wash my lady parts these days, never mind clean the house. And my kids... they have this awesome (very sarcastic Aimee here) ability to take out every toy they own and scatter it all over the rooms. It is great to find the little people baby Jesus behind the toilet bowl, and matchbox cars at the foot of your bed when you put your bare feet down into the sheets at night! The only thing I have been cleaning up lately is toys (like...all day).

The good news is I did a good deed today and donated A LOT of their old toys to the VETS which made my life clutter free and easier. Since I haven't been so cheery "I love people" lately, it was great to be able to schedule the pick up online, and opt to not get a knock on the door. So today I got rid of heaping amounts of crap without ever talking to a single person--yeehaawwww. Less things to find behind the toilet bowl makes a Momma happy!

I am taking my previous job history into account and using the AA steps to get me through the rest of the week. "One day at a time" is how I roll. I am trying to keep track of things that are important like my keys, and my kids. I am less worried about other things like dressing up so other people think I am festive like Martha freaken' Stewart. I am devouring my endless love of Starbucks, and trying....very hard... to be kind to my husband.

Being Santa is HARD WORK! Can someone get me a venti latte?

I so NEEDED this change!

Welcome Change

You would think I am one of those people that love change and do it often. The truth is I used to be, but once I grew up and became all "responsible for others", I loathed change. Parenting with predictability is way more simple and easy, then parenting with a revolving door of change. Kids need the consistency of it too. However, in some cases someone has to be adult and draw lines in the sand...and that adult happens to be me (SCARY).

Two major things that have been part of my predictable parenting over these past four years are about to change. Both things I have reservations about letting go, but both are needed to be. Some things are great for some, and others not so much. It is hard when you realize something you once thought fit you perfectly, doesn't fit you at all. I am always realizing this, or getting the gall to do something about it, years to late, but alas, I have arrived.

As you might have guessed from my last posting, I am leaving my pediatricians office. I should have left weeks after Rylan's birth when they black listed me when I called everyday for answers and help for my reflux, not breathing right, baby. When they kept calling him a happy spitter, and didn't take his case serious until he stopped breathing and foamed at the mouth. I didn't leave. I kept thinking "what did I know" I was a brand new mother and they were professionals. When looking back, I get so mad at myself. I learned more about severe reflux and milk allergies from Internet friends and my own research, then from his own doctors. To add salt to the very open wound, there were way to many times I waited in exam rooms with screaming naked babies for well over 40 minutes, got talked down to, disrespected, and noticed that not one doctor in the entire practice for the past four years really knew my kid (because they were constantly seen by someone new or by physicians assistants). Every time we are in there they re-read the chart, and I have to remind them "no my kids aren't allergic to milk anymore", and "no my kids no longer take reflux meds". My kids are numbers, and I have let this enormous practice swallow us whole, accepted less then quality service, paid quality prices, and accepted their time was more precious then ours. The day has arrived...and we are gone.

I hate uprooting the kids from familiar faces, and a surrounding they are comfortable in. However, if I stay I am telling them they deserve this lesser service, and I am not doing the one thing we as parents are meant to do: advocate. We say we want the best of the best for our kids, but settle in places like doctors office with mediocrity. I am so envious of those friends of mine that have called enough is enough and switched practices way before my wake up call. They too felt the same wavering feeling of staying for familiarity, and leaving for principle. If you, or someone you know, feel that they are not receiving top notch care for your top notch dollar, I beg of thy, not to waste four years to get what your rightly deserve, (what your kids rightly deserve). And now I exit my soap box and google pediatricians in my neck of the woods!

I am also finally leaving (my loyal readers will be singing Joy To The World with this one) MOPS. It has been a long three years. Three years of hoping to connect with new Moms, find a spiritual connection in this Christian based Moms meeting, and anticipation that it would eventually be something it isn't. At the end of the day I felt like an outsider entering a church I didn't believe in, filled with people unwilling to accept those of us non-parishioners, and feeling like I was betraying my own faith. My hopes kept going that I would make a connection, feel elevated in some way, and that it would go back to the fundamentals I always believed MOPS was--a Christian based group that didn't support one specific church, but welcomed all Christian believers. I was totally lost in a crowd that 99% belonged to one particular church, and every single inspirational speaker was also a member of. I knew I hit rock bottom when last year Addison's pacifier went missing in the daycare and I got an e-mail with a very strong religious message and I thought: "this isn't what I signed up for". Christian based YES, but lets face it, all faiths under the Christian religion believe in different things, and this I didn't believe in. So the hairs on my neck stood up, I no longer sent my kids to their daycare with worry of what they might "teach" them that I wouldn't be ok with, and I reluctantly tried another season with hopes in seeing changes (like people saying "Good morning" when you entered a room, or someone on the steering team knowing my name--heck I had been there for three years). However, not surprisingly, nothing changed. I felt empty, out of place, and only was going for their fantastic spread of potluck style breakfast. For me breakfast wasn't a good enough reason to put aside my "abandon faith issues". And so a comfort I have had in my mothering for the past three years is being let go about two and a half years to late. Spiritually this leaving will make me feel whole again, back to myself, and not feeling as if I have 75 eyes looking at me and thinking "she is not one of us". I can surrender a lot of things, but my faith is not one of them.

Like anything in life, great things come of open doors when others doors are shut. No matter how hard you try to avoid change, it happens. When it does, and your soul speaks to it's value, you have to ride the wave and go with it. I will never wait in a cell block exam room with a naked baby again for 45 min., and I will never again wonder if that awesome farmers casserole or french bread baked french toast was worth feeling so spiritually out of place.

It is a start to a brand new year on the rise. I welcome it.

Docs Seeing $$$ Instead Of Babies

45 minutes with a naked 18 month old in a closed examine room, might infact be for the first level of the Inferno. I kept trying to be patient as I heard the people next door ask the doctor there 12,456 question. They had been in there well over an hour, and I had a gut feeling this wasn't going to end well for us.

So I did the only thing I could do: let the 18 month old roll all over the germ infested floor and pray she won't be sick for Christmas. I also warned the nurse that I had to leave at 3:00 the latest to get my son off the bus. Keeping in mind, I had a 1:50 appointment, that had been booked for 6 months with Addison's "main" doctor that she hasn't seen since she was 6 months old because the doc is too over booked, you would think this would work. It didn't, and I am about done with the place.

It isn't the first time that has happened to me, but the difference is this time was plain out RUDE. They sent in a different doctor (not Addison's main doc whom I scheduled way in advance for a reason), and was given no explanation. When I left the dreaded cell we had paced in for well over an hour, I saw the doctor that is so hard to get in the hallway. She said not a word. No "sorry", no "wow the baby is getting big", no nothing.

The reason these doctors don't seem to "know" my children is because they never see someone consistantly. When it is a sick visit 99% of the time they are seen from a physicians assistant and NOT a doctor (but bill the same way). There is no connection, and at the end of the day after being there for four years, nobody seems to recognize my kids other then the nurses (whom I love).

So my questions barely got answered. I walked out with a bitter taste in my mouth and my head spinning. I paid for this physical for a doctor I didn't want. And I marched home with the Christmas gift I meant to give the "main" doc.

I think I need to seek other options. I think my kids deserve what I had growing up. A doctor they knew by name, and a doctor that knew them. Someone you could rely on to call you back, and show up at an appointment in an acceptable time frame.

I am over the baby factory. I need more of a home feeling.

Do you notice a difference in children's health care verses when we were growing up? Have you ever switched pedi's after being fed up?

Website For Women

I just read this article and thought WOW this is a cool website! Check it out ladies, the internet can sometimes actually HELP!

Seeking Sanity In The Insane Season

Jacks Big Music Show is saving my sanity. Like for REALZ!

A. because if I watch another friggen episode of Scooby Doo or Yo Gabba Gabba I might start pulling all the hairs out of my head

B. the show gives me a half hour of complete silence. BOTH kids are so into it that a pin could drop (which is VERY rare with Addison around since she is a ball of screaming fury noise).

C. It stops Rylan from playing his favorite game of "garbage" which consists of taking every small toy or part he owns and placing them in LARGE scattered, unorganized piles, and has his dump truck pick up the mess to bring it to another location in my house to make another mess. You can imagine how much I love this game right? And the fact it takes me hours to sort through the "garbage" at the end of the day.

I loathe the f'n garbage game.

Alas....Jacks Big Music Show gives me a moment to drink tea and BLOG.

I am still trying to crawl out of the bah-hum-bug, can I go to bed for a few days slumber hole. I am trying hard not to have anxiety over the dreaded lists, and trying even harder to wear something other then sweats ever single day of the week. Being Santa is hard freaken work yo! Never mind the rest of the crew I buy for, and creating "traditions". Lord--the pressure of "traditions" is hardcore. I don't want to mess my kids up and look back on their childhood and say "I got nothing". Or they will say something like "Oh Christmas time is when Moms drinks lots of candy cane tea, wear sweat pants, and go to bed at 8pm". Or possibly they will remember it as "Jacks Big Music Show marathon time on the big tube".

Seriously though..I keep feeling like I have to give my self a pep talk everyday. "You can do it Aimee. Just one more day of mother f'n wrapping, 12,000 errands, cookies to make, and kids to sing Christmas tunes with. If you are good you might even get yourself a Starbucks (always include silver lining in pep talk to self)". By the middle of the day I am having another sort of talk with myself that goes more like this: "Step away from the cookies. Your ass needs another cookie like a hole in the head. Take a damn shower, and put on some clothes. Get moven' and quit your bitchen". And the end of the day: "I made it! Now I can GO TO BED". Going to bed always seems to be the ultimate silver lining.

I am certainly not as "Jolly" as the season says I should be. My patience is limited, my mood can change on a dime, and I have a high need to say things unfiltered (example: "Man your kid got hit with the ugly stick"--not so jolly is it?).

Tis the season to be.... mental...fa la la la LA la la la LAAAAA

With all honesty I am wondering if I am having my post- post pardum issues. Sounds so silly since my baby is 18 months! However, I had it with Rylan. When my doctor told me that is what I was having I laughed thinking how ridiculous it sounded. I eventually made sense of it because at the time I so desperately wanted to have another baby. I thought that had to be why I was so irritable. This time however, I am not, I swear -cross my heart, trying for another baby, and so I am thinking there might be something to this hormonal crap. Either way, I am ready to not be irritable, irrational, overly emotional, and not so incredibly tired and fixated about sleep.

For now I am just happy to listen to some fuzzy little monsters sing on tv, while the kids sit in silence. For now I am loving the fact I have a moment to turn to my blog, and enjoy a cup of tea unrushed. For now I am not feeling the Grinch. Give me a few minutes...it's coming.

Holiday Fun In Pics

What a whirl wind of a month it has been thus far! Here is our countdown to Christmas-holiday fun in pictures!

We started off with the North Pole Express in Essex CT! We had fun but what a LONG day it was! (Note to self: don't schedule long train ride at 7pm on a week night again! )

Santa did a drive by, and I barely got a pic!
Addie wasn't so sure of Mrs. Claus


Yey our decorated tree:
Addie wore the dress my grandmother made me for my 2nd Christmas to sit on Santa's lap:
Packed my cookies gift jar:
We spent my birthday at Stepping Stones Children's Museum:




Addie's favorite part was kid size chairs:
We ended the day with cake and pj's:
And Pete and I ended my birthday weekend with an AWESOME King Tut exhibit in NYC, and seeing the fabulous tree (amongst a million other spectators):
We also ended the weekend with Addison turning 18 months! An update post is coming!

34

In honor of my 34 birthday I figured I would do something a little different! Instead of writing something deep and meaningful like last year (because really I can't top that one, I feel the same way as I did that day--the only difference being a different number), I am going to write 34 things you might not know about me!

1. I was born with birthmarks of Angel kisses/Stork bites, just as both of my kids were. Oddly enough we all had them on our forehead, and I still have one on my lower back that looks like the letter z!
2. My maiden name initials spelled ALF. When that tv show was on, I so got made fun of. Looking back, perhaps at times I acted like "Alien Life Form".
3. My first dog was named Michaela, but after hearing my Dad call it "shit for brains", I started to think that was actually her name. So at a very early age that is what I called her.
4. My sister totally wrote her name on the wall and tried to blame it on me. I was a baby. In my sisters eyes I must have been a brilliant baby who learned how to write her name first instead of mine. How thoughtful of me!
5. One of my oldest & dearest friends, tells me when we were little I would never color myself anything but brown in self portraits. Apparently I had a toddler identity crisis happening.
6. I used to have walls of Corey Haim in my bedroom, and I loved Bobby Brown. I think this was the start of me being interested in working in the drug rehab field.
7. I wanted to be a model when I was in junior high. I didn't want to go to college, and planned to just model. Needless to say that didn't work out... and I ended up with many degrees instead.
8. I told my parents when I was little that I wanted to be a stripper when I grew up. Let's all be thankful I didn't make THAT happen.
9. I grew up across the street from an ice cream place. I worked a few years of my teen life there, and gave away ALOT of free ice cream to my friends.
10. I was told I would never make it to college, that I was a C student, and would have to settle on a community college if I wanted any time of above high school degree. You can suck it now Mr. guidance counselor!!!
11. I stayed back in first grade. I was one of those kids with a December birthday that went to school to early and had some learning disabilities.
12. My husband bought me diamond & pearl earrings a few years back for Christmas. They looked to grandma for me and I returned them and got a chair. Yep ... a chair. He never lets me forget this.
13. When I turned 21 I wrote it on my chest and streaked my entire college dorm. It was a proud moment.
14. I was on the show "Change of Heart" in my twenties. It was fun and I even got the dude to change his heart.
15. I have been to the Vatican and felt less then impressed. I know this might sound shocking....but it had to much a museum feel to me then a spiritual one.
16. I interned for the Mayor of Boston and got to meet (at the time) President Clinton. While he spoke I sat next to reporter Sam Donaldson, his comb over was hard not to stare at.
17. Yes...it is true. I got checked out by Derek Jeter. It was a brief NYC moment on an upper east side corner. I was coming home from work with the puking bug and was in great need of getting home. He was getting his hair cut where all of Yankees go and said hello to me with a once over. He looked super jersey shore guido circa 1990. I flipped him a hello, but kept moving before I puked on the side walk.
18. I have chronic Kidney Stones that are worse then labor!
19. I watched the soap opera As The World Turns since I was 12 until it ended this year.
20. My most embarrassing moment of my life hands down was when I had jury duty in NYC 6 years ago and puked WHILE court was in session. The entire court looked on while I projectile vomited!!! It was horrible! I feel so bad for the cab driver that had to bring me home that day--I SMELLED and had to throw the shirt out I wore that day.
21. I met Pete at my friend's son's first birthday party. He laughed at me when I used ketchup and it made a fart noise.
22. I never watched the Thanksgiving Day parade or the ball drop in all of the years I lived in NYC!
23. I have never traveled to the west coast. ever.
24. My dream place to travel to is Fiji!
25. I met Bon Jovi when I was in 3rd grade. I thought I was the coolest with my cherry turtleneck on talking to Jon.
26. I had a hobby of Latin dancing through my college years. Now Zumba has brought back the love.
27. I am allergic to shrimp but still take the chance and eat it.
28. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 25 years old! It was my biggest fear! I over came it by taking driving lessons in NYC, and securing my license there. If you can drive in NYC, you can drive anywhere. Except I still don't do major highways--some fears never go away!
29. I always had long hair growing up. Then in my Freshman year of college I got it chopped off to chin length and I have never gone back to anything longer then my shoulders.
30. I never smoked a cigarette in my life.
31. I don't really drink alcohol. Some find this weird, but it's just not my thing. I am not fond of the taste, and I am a control freak that doesn't like feeling out of control.
32. Along with number 31, I also have a hard time taking over the counter medicine. Sounds odd I know. I just like to think I can get over whatever I am dealing with on my own. When all hell breaks I always turn to the meds!
33. The most influential person I have met in my life was a women named Katie. She was my boss in the Mayors office. Her job was the Mayor of Boston's Drug Czar, and believe me she earned it. She was a crack addict on the streets. She then got clean and was the first women to open up an all woman's drug rehab, and made such a name for herself she landed being the Drug Czar for the city of Boston. She is amazing. She made me so proud to be a women, gave me great hope in our community and our country, and believed in me. She will always stand alone in my book. I think of her every time I teach or counsel a kid that says "I can't" because of various social/economical reasons. There is always a way if you seek to find it.
34. Will forever love Drew Barrymore. Seriously. I have been obsessed with her for well over a decade, and although I rarely get star struck, I am sure if I saw her on the street I would make a TOTAL ass out of myself which may include me gluing myself to her leg. I can safely say I am her number 1 fan.

Wanna wish me a Happy Birthday? Leave a comment with something most people don't know about you!

Cheers to 34!

Getting Somewhere On That List

Good Eats

I have been all about quick dinners lately! When I got this months Cooking Light magazine in the mail I figured I would try their 20 minute meal. So i did...and holy MOLY...it is an A++++++! Super easy, super quick, and packed with YUM!

Sausage, Tomato, and Arugula Fettuccine

Ok the TRUTH is .... I use real sausage which sort of takes the "light" out of Cooking Light, but the flavor is UNREAL! For the recipe go HERE! May I add that it tastes a thousand times better when you buy a fresh block of pecorino cheese and use a peeler to make ribbons in it!

The other TRUTH... I made it TWICE in under a week!

Holiday Hum Drum

Holiday hum drum to the highest (sung like the angels).

I am grumpy. Sure it could be the PMS thing that comes around now and then (JOY to the world for being a women), and it also could be the fact that I took the absolute WORST drivers license picture today that literally took my breath away and made me think about joining fat camp this summer (Santa isn't alone with his belly full of jelly), but on the top of the list...is my lists.

My none stop, every minute matters, list. My lists that never end. My need to make lists for lists in order to remind myself of previous lists.

This season is stressful.

For as much fun it is to see my kids enjoy their ride on the polar express this weekend, and to watch them climb on Santa's lap (pictures of both to come later), I can't help but feel all consumed about the looming mountain of wrapping to do. I also keep reminding myself of people I forgot to buy something for, when I am going to make cookies & cookie jar gifts, decor of the house, what to make for Christmas day (I host), and so on and so forth...lists ontop of lists. Lists that make me want to cry at the start of the day, and at the end, exhaust me while I make a new list.

Luckily this season also brings wonderful music, and lights up kids smiles like gigantic lightbulbs. The smell of pine helps, and the look of lights on houses also seem to make me smile. I also totally dig my candycane tea (which I will share with you), and shopping with people filled with holiday cheer (people seem so much nicer this time of year).

I know my lists will end in a matter of weeks. This also means the season will be gone, and that means the Winter will be in full swing with nothing to look forward to except snow. Lots and lots of snow. Which to me means lots of days stuck in the house, with no sun, and sweat pants. So I think I am in a funk now--just wait until next month! Luckily we have a small reprieve to Florida coming up in January, and another getaway for Pete's big 40 in February to London and Paris. This should help with the Winter hum drum I look and feel like a bum funk.

In the meantime... I feel like the lists won't end, I am sort of bitchy, I feel like I ate Santa when looking at my license (and was also reminded how HORRIBLY BAD I need a hair cut--hello friends, why haven't you told me that!), and.... I love my new Josh Groban cd I bought today, because it is like making sweet musical love to Christmas. Also on my mind: in just a few short days...I'll be 34 (how did that happen?) wasn't I like 22 just the other day.

As for Candycane tea here is the low down:

2 mini candycane's crushed

1 lipton tea bag

a dash of half & half

tsp of sugar

mix with hot water = holiday HEAVEN.

Update & Don't Even Get Me Started

So after much talking, questioning, and watching bus play happen on our floor, I came to the realization that it is not the actual bus driver, but a kid on the bus that has scared the living day lights out of Rylan.

Rylan has come a very long way from his Birth To Three services days, but one thing he continues to struggle with is his ability to deal with loud noises. At his third birthday party you can find pictures of him covering his ears while the family sings to him. When his sister cries and screeches loudly he covers his ears and hums. Although he enjoys MAKING very loud noises himself, he is not fond of others doing so unless it is done at his request. Therefore, unprepared and unsolicited noise can make my little man wig the F out.

Thus the reason he is refusing the bus.

There is a child on his bus that is screeching and yelling the entire ride home. After speaking with the driver, it is apparent Rylan spends the entire ride home with his ears covered in silence. He has been internally swallowing this horror to him, and has finally been able to verbalize he is scared.

My call was never answered back. The one I made to the town's special ed supervisor. So I marched into the office today and got little to no answers or reassurance of change. She told me she would look into it, and that it wouldn't be a "quick fix". When asked if I could do something in regards to Rylan, like let him listen to music, she declined the idea. She went onto to tell me the other kid doesn't "mean" to do it, he has a disability. Which leaves me wondering what about my kid? Does he deserve less of an exception because his disability is less drastic as the other kids? The idea pissed me off.

I'll give the women the benefit of the doubt for now, but if things don't happen in a reasonable time I am not going to be so compliant. Word on the street is the parent of the other child is hardcore. She is lawyered up and sue happy. The town tip toes around her, and she is in their face 24/7. Is that how you get things done around here? Is that how you get your kid to stop shaking in fear from coming home on the bus?... because my kid is equally deserving as hers, and I am feeling defeated already.

Put Him Back In The Womb Please

So, you know how you have to set your kid free and hope the world does right by him? That trusted adults will care for him the way you would want him to. That you do not have to, God forbid, see your kid shaken with fear, and wonder why.

The past three days I have seen Rylan struggling with something. He has been on edge, and has asked repeatedly at home and at school, to no longer take the bus home. When asked why he kept saying, "because I want Mommy to pick me up". I thought this was just simply a request and brushed it off as such. Until here we are on day three, and the entire day was spent with him saying: "I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to take the bus" (visibly shaken, visibly filled to the brim with anxiety).

Naturally I sat wondering who did this to my kid while feeling sick to my stomach. Someone had broken the good old "circle of trust", and my four year old was now afraid to go to school.

I tried to pry all day. Asked probing questions, held him in my arms and assured him he could tell me anything, and listened intently while he played with his beloved school buses for "clues". Then at the end of today Rylan asked me with watery eyes, "Mom can you pick me up from school tomorrow. I can't go on the bus. I can't. I don't want to". I asked him why. He said a child on the bus yells and screams and that the bus driver screams back. This particular child only rides on his bus home, so I asked him if he was ok riding to school on the bus, while I pick him up for the ride home. He looked me dead on and told me: "No more. I don't want to ride (insert bus drivers name) anymore". I asked questions like is she mean? does she yell at you? and so on and so forth, but got no more information except that he was done.

My head is spinning. I want to do all the inappropriate things a Momma bear would like to do--like open a can of whoop and confront. Instead I am listing in my head all the things deemed "appropriate" and "by the book" that needs to be done. This starting with, drop off and pick up Rylan tomorrow. Also on this list: call teacher, special ed supervisor, touch base with other parent with a kid on the bus, and last but not least..change bus or I am canceling bus (bonus to at home mothering).

I don't know the full story (hard to get out of a four year old). I am sure I am being a crazy Momma bear and overdoing things, but this is my baby. The fact is something has happened on that bus that has shock my sons core enough to not ever want to go back, and for me, that is enough to do drastic things.

It is so hard not knowing or seeing what our kids are doing or being exposed to 24/7. It is hard to trust, and to let go. This situation has put me in a state of fury, worrying about what else does my kid see or do that I wouldn't be ok with. My sweet little boy, shaken to his core, anxiety ridden, all because of another adults actions and lack of responsibility.

I want to shrink him and put him back in the womb.