Re-solving Resolving

After a month of visiting La Salette Shrine, cutting the Christmas tree, shopping, cards mailed, decorating, wrapping, attending Christmas parties, building gingerbread houses, donating, baking cookies, exchanging cookies, light show visited, outdoor lights out outside, hosting a holiday party, a visit to Santa, and three days of different family Christmas gatherings, I am sure to have time on my hands to blog now.

This time of year is exhausting. Although there are so many things I love about it, I just can't help but to be thankful we made it through another season without fail. I am always worried I will forget to buy for someone, or Santa won't bring the gift to light up my kids face. I worry that there won't be enough time and I won't make it all that I was meaning to do. And, well, that part actually happened. I didn't do my yearly cookie mason jars, I didn't set up some of my normal house decor, and I didn't make peanut butter blossoms this year. We barely made it to Santa at the mall, and we almost missed the cool house with a thousand lights, but in the end it was another perfect Christmas.

Now the hard part of what to do with all of this stuff! My house is looking bigger as I put away all the Christmas decorations, but the mounds of toys eyeing me for a place in it is overwhelming. Where do I put the stuff? The obvious solution seems to weed out the things the kids don't play with, and replace it with the new. The bad thing is when I have done this before, the toys I donated ended up being the toys I re buy. Rylan didn't like puzzles. I get rid of puzzles. Addison now lives for puzzles. Santa brings puzzles. Mommy brings puzzles. Aunts bring puzzles. And now I have puzzles out of my you know what! Puzzles I GAVE AWAY to donation a year ago! Now I come full circle trying to find a place for them.

It is a guessing game of what should stay and what should go. Will Addison start to like little people again? Will Rylan ever play with that learning robot? How many buses could one family own? And what about books? How can I store hundreds and hundreds of books that will still make a kid want to read them? Right now they sit in big ugly piles and the bottom ones never get read.

Ah. Just when I thought the stress of the holidays were over.

And so this weekend marks another new year. 2012. I usually have some laundry list of resolutions that usually include losing an ungodly and unrealistic amount of weight. This year I am switching it up and resolving to be more focused on being less judgmental, and better at organizing. Both cause me a great deal of clutter (one in the mind, and the other in my house). I need to declutter. I need to simplify. I need to be open to whatever 2012 has in store for me. Even if that means more puzzles.

The things about goal setting is although it can be completely great to have on paper, you have to be willing to let it go when life brings you another way. I feel resolutions often set people up to fail, and feel like a failure. What if we just turned it around to small things we know we can do, but do it better. Like, I know I can easily see the women in the grocery line with an out of control child and make many assumptions about her as a parent, while forgetting that of course has been me many times. I know I can be more focused on instead of in my mind making judgments, trying to help her out. Maybe let her cut me in line, or try to engage her child with mine to make time pass more quickly. Point being, huge goals can be motivating, but it is the small ones in life that can change your day to day. Why is it only January 1 that people focus on making big changes when a year of small ones could easily lead the way? You can only plan so much.

For now I stare at the pile of toys and know I have the power to at least plan on where they shall go. Everything else in my life there after involves wherever 2012 wants to take me.

Happy New Year!

Birthday Eve

In another 24 hours I turn the big 3-5! Half way to 40, yet smack in the middle of my 30's. It still sounds so old to the inner 15 yr old in me, since growing up I thought 40 was your last good years before the nursing home. My, my how 40 seems so darn young when you are in your "mid-thirties".

I declared a few years ago that I would look better at 35 than I did at 25. Obviously people physically this isn't happening unless Pete purchased a major plastic surgery birthday surprise in the next 24 hours! Even if I was down to the size 0 I once was at 25, my life all around is much different than the girl I was then. I no longer walk 10 miles a day at a high-speed in the greatest city on earth. I am no longer in my twenties, and that chick didn't have babies coming out of her body either! She also ate Ben & Jerry's for dinner--often and never gained a pound (I WISH says soon to be 35 yr old).

The good news is that chick was also a little psycho, and I'd like to think I seized her ass. I know I am not alone when I say early twenties are made for young women to be insecure, drama-loving beasts. I had not a clue who I was, what I wanted to be, or where I was going. I might have "looked my best" then, but I absolutely can say--I now FEEL my best at 35. I am no longer guessing who I am, and I hold no apologies for it.

Granted it is true--women are interesting species. We are strong. We can make mountains move, but.... ladies let's be honest---we also never graduate from the high school mentality. I imagine being white haired, and wheel-chair bound someday still getting my panties in a bunch because someone didn't include me in something, gossiping, and wondering if my cane matches my outfit. We grow up, mature to a point, and still in the end realize parts of who we are never seem to change! This makes great sense when comparing ourselves to boys and their sick obsession with fart noises, and Beavis and Butthead.

And so another year is passing, and new one's a go. I have come to a realization about a lot of things this year-- a) telling your truth-your story --should not be held back because of others judgements b) I am done having babies (and now I probably get pregnant stating this) c) it is easy to be taken advantage of when you are a "yes" person--I need to learn "no" d) There is always a silver lining. When you look at life that way--you are always thankful for everyday blessings. e) I might not be a size 0 but I a no longer psycho!

So long 34 ---you have been good to me. 35 my expectations are exceedingly high! Let's dance!

My Inner Tween

I am about to turn 35 in another week, and the number almost offends me. More often then not, I have to remind myself of my age. At heart I often still feel like a teenager, and wonder how my life thus far has flown by so quickly. How can I possibly be a MOM when in my heart I am 15? Then suddenly I realize I am in my 30's and to old for things. Like tween stuff.

I have never read Harry Potter or the Twilight series. There was something about the books aiming to tweens that made me think it would be like a middle-aged women driving with the windows down screaming her heart out to a Justin Beiber tune. It just didn't feel right in my old bones.

People kept telling me I was missing out. However, I kept thinking really Twilight Moms REALLY--you are going to drool over a teenage boy? I was also attending 9 year old birthday parties that were Harry Potter themed and thinking-- why is this so "in" in the adult world. When your book says Scholastic on the back of it--honey it ain't for the 20 and older crowd. So yes, I secretly rolled my eyes and couldn't imagine myself doing such things.

Until a few weeks ago I had the windows down and I was singing Justin Beiber's girlfriends new tune on the radio! It has ridiculously crap lyrics, but surprisingly catchy. Suddenly I was digging Selena Gomez's new song, and even find myself gitty that it is on the radio again for the 50th time today. Ok the "beep beep beep" can get a wee bit annoying, but the beat of the actual song reminds me of my own teenage world--enter THIS song from Stacy Q! Isn't it a little similar or am I just a weird old women blasting Selena Gomez in my car?

Just when I thought I had enough tween sensation going on in my life I saw this:

My husband recently read this trilogy (as well as others mentioned above), and he claimed it was great, but I had brushed it off until watching this. This little snipit of the movie made me read it---AND FAST!

I could not put it down. No matter what I did I was thinking about how I could get back to it. For a good 48 hours I lived the first book. I would go to sleep at night even thinking about it, and what could happen next. I could not remember a time I had ever been so sucked into a book like this before.

I am half way through book 2 and I spent today literally telling myself I had to pace my reading. I still have a life to live, and can't get lost in a book for days on end even if I want to. It is just THAT good.

And so here I am THAT old Mom digging the tween thing. I am now a lover of a Selena Gomez song (and Stacey Q still for that matter), and I am a CRAZY addict of the Hunger Games. And so Harry Potter adult fans, and Twilight Moms, I apologize. When something is catchy, written or made well, it is easy to love at whatever age. Scholastic on the back of my book still makes me cringe a little, as does the song I am gitty of hearing being from Justin's girlfriend, but that book and that song make my soul happy. And so, just like in life, we have to look past a few facts in order to enjoy something we never thought was possible.

While I patiently await the Hunger Games on the silver screen, I pace myself, and end this blog thinking, "I waited almost the entire time (now almost 8pm at night), I think I can allow myself to read" (my bet it will be another night I am turning the light off at midnight cursing it so late and wanting more!).

Texan Tonsil Takes A Hike

My tonsil the size of Texas kept getting in my way of eating, and --oh that important thing we need to do... breathe. And thus I was left with no option other then to cut thing out. I was at the point of wanting to do it myself--it got just that bad. Sort of reminded me of when I was 9 months pregnant with Addie and totally over it, and nearly begged any party goer at a friend's birthday party, to extract her while I lay on the ping-pong table. Everyone I shared a glimpse of my tonsil with the past few months, could not believe I have lasted thus far with that thing in my mouth. Luckily it's days were numbered.

Yesterday my Texan tonsil was surgically removed. (which is WAY better then what my at home version would have looked like) I was less nervous about the actual removal, as I was getting knocked out. To my surprise being put under might have been the highlight of the entire experience. In fact I sort of wished they let me sleep a wee bit longer since now I am just shuffling around this joint grunting in pain.

In post opt Pete tried to do a stand up comedy show for me, but I so was not in the mood to play. See I was still high as kite, and trying to focus on this: "Put spoon in cup. Get ice chip on spoon. Put spoon in mouth" over and over again. The idea of trying to listen to a joke from point A to point B was nerve wracking. And so, my sweet husband, turned in his zest to curling up on the seat beside me and sleeping. No really he was! The nurse came in and I was wide awake while Pete was in la-la land. On his defense, we did have a 4am wake up call, and he was worried about it going smoothly and not voicing it to me.

So here I am. Unable to speak because everything is so swollen. Unable to eat, because everything is swollen. And I am pretty close to being miserable. Luckily I am home alone to be in such a state. I am just roaming from sliding a cup of soup down, going to a short nap, taking pain meds, using the internet as my voice, and watching the Food network. Yeah--I know I am a genius watching that when I CAN'T EAT! But the silver lining--there is always one.... is in a few weeks I will be able to swallow and breathe better than I ever have before.

Now back to my slushie.

Unexpected Thank You's

A few years back I found myself in a dark place. Post Rylan's birth I was hormonal, and sunned I was no longer a size 6. I found myself acting out on this blog, making fun of myself, and feeling less and less confident in who I am. I didn't realize how much body image had impacted mind image. It was a rough time.

You may recall (if you have been around here for awhile), I was blessed with a blog reader who attended my local new Mom support group at the time. Sporty Spice --as I nicknamed her on this blog-- went out of her way to help me. She saw through reading this blog, that I needed help. She went out of her way and delivered me hope.

Suddenly I could no longer say I did know how to exercise or eat well. Sporty literally showed me everything I needed to know without asking for a thing in return. I got myself in a good place (like when I wrote this post), and watched how not only my body changed, my spirit changed, I also became blessed with a new friend that truly believed in my worth.

I am the first to admit I have fallen off that very driven road many times since, but the great news is what she taught me can never be untaught. When my motivation is on a rise, I am suddenly rewinding all that she said to me.

Recently my dear friend and old roommate featured a contest on her blog. She asked contestants to write an essay that featured out healthy mentor. In return she was giving out a $50 gift card to Massage Envy. I felt compelled and pulled to write about Sporty. Somehow while writing it, I knew it was a winner. And guess what IT WAS.

So you probably think I am off to a fantastic massage, when in actuality I am not. I knew when writing the essay where the winning had to go. Sporty if off to get a massage, because when you go out and do self-less actions like she did, the world provides you with a thank you.

More Then Just Poop

When I picked up and moved to suburbia much about my identity would fall into a New York City ditch. I had lived nearly a decade as a city girl, and now I would need a car, and hear birds outside instead of ambulance sirens. For me, it was like moving to a foreign land.

The transition wasn't so bad since I was still working in the Bronx, going to school in Manhattan on the weekends, and moving close enough to be in the city in under an hour. However, I shed an outer shell I had worked hard at building around me as a city girl. I missed the hustle-bustle, the literal beat of the city's heart is in it. I missed walking everywhere, getting any type of food anytime of day, and being up with fashion by just looking around me. I missed being a career oriented person by day-a Manhattan citizen by night, a church person that could go to which ever she'd like in a matter of footsteps (every kind of religion every block!), an exerciser that didn't know it (walked miles at HIGH speed daily), and a person perfectly comfortable with sitting in Central Park alone meditating while thousands flew by me.

It took a long time for Connecticut to feel like "me". It was a new layer I was forming, and one I still am not so sure on what it will look like when a decade in the suburbs passes by. Since I moved here I not only gave up my city girl status, I got married, started driving, became a Mom, bought a home, gave up my career to raise my kids, and had to make new friends in order to stay sane.

Becoming a Mom was hands down the best thing that ever happened to me, but it, as it often does, came with a long list of sacrifices. I hadn't ever thought of motherhood like this until recently when I attended a party, and I witnessed the shift.

For more than five years I have found myself talking about poop, tantrums, and the best buys on sweatpants with anyone and everyone I consider a friend in this place. They are all Mom's with kids my kids ages. This always seem like a great bonus, but just this week I realized it also works against the core of who I am. Now don't get me wrong, I love and adore my good friends here, but having mom-friends often lacks depth of who the people truly are, and everything circles around the kids. I don't know about you, but I am sick of talking about poop.

I stepped out of my comfort zone this week and attended a dinner party filled with women I have never socialized with before. I have been doing Zumba for 2 years now, and my Zumba teacher (an uplifting burst of bright light), decided to have a gathering of all of the devotee's. We had shook it like a Polaroid pictures next to each other for 3 years now, and yet we still weren't on a first name basis. So over wine and meatballs we were. The beauty for me was I was with a bunch of women of different ages, different backgrounds, and many who are Mom's, and I never talked about my kids. I probably mentioned I had them, but my conversations were 100% all consumed by who I am. I was being seen as a person. I talked with seemingly strangers about my career, my hopes and dreams, my background, and my beliefs. This party came on the heels of my show being debuted in which a few had watched it. This led to a fantastic discussion about God! God at a dinner party with STRANGERS! I couldn't have loved it anymore.

The key lessons to this night came down to two things: 1. I am still someone other than Mom. I need to nurture that someone. 2. Going out of my comfort zone twice since living here has delivered big time to me as a person. 1st I TRIED Zumba and loved it (something that took a lot of guts for me to give a whirl to), and 2nd I went to a dinner party without a right-hand man. I am not someone who can "work a room" well. I don't like small talk, or drinking lots of wine. I do however like women connecting to women. I would have never known that happens at said parties if I hadn't tried!

I am still a city girl at heart, but my suburban girl has softened it a bit. The chips on my shoulders are going away, and I am actually enjoying knowing my neighbors (you don't do that in NYC). Driving everywhere doesn't mean I can't still use my two feet. Giving up my career for a few years doesn't mean I am less of what I once was, or that I can't return to it. And most importantly, .... being Mom doesn't mean I have to be all consumed by them and through them.

City or suburb, Mom or teacher/social worker, I am still ME.

For Your Viewing Pleasure :-)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/298158/i-survived---beyond-and-back-amanda-matthew-aimee

Welcome!

If the show I Survived Beyond & Back has brought you here, thanks for stopping in! This is more of my "life/Mommy" blog-- the good spiritual stuff & my full story is featured on another domain. www.seekingup.wordpress.com Make sure to come visit me there!

Thank you for all of your comments, e-mails, and over all love. Not only had the actual experience been a true blessing, the ability to share it has been just as great.

I Survived...ABOUT TO AIR

TODAY IS THE DAY! I couldn't be more excited! Literally, I am jumping out of my skin! Hope you have your DVR's set, or watching it LIVE! Please go over to SEEKING UP and leave me a message about how you felt the show went!

Seriously Floored By My Tivo

AND...completely honored for eternity to be part of such an awesome show!

This weekend my peeps! Bio channel --10pm est!

Happy Haloweenie!

Thankfully Halloween wasn't canceled in Rhode Island! Rylan got to dress up as a hot dog, and Addie was Abby Cadabby without devil horns (like she had in my past post). More pictures to come when I am up and running at home!

On The Official Line Up

So I might not be able to see this LIVE from my home this weekend seeing as the outlook of power is grim--but.... I am on the official line up! Check it out:

http://www.biography.com/tv/i-survived-beyond-and-back/episodes/08-amanda-matthew-aimee

Am I Dreaming? Or Is It A WHITE HALLOWEEN!

Isn't the song supposed to go "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas?" and yet we have a white Halloween!

A freak snow storm hit us up here on the east coast and it SO wasn't kind! 14 inches, and power/heat out has led to major hysteria! 20 degree evenings in unheated homes has really worn it's wear on people. Word is power won't be restored for up to 10 days! The kids of our town have already racked up 2 snow days (plus another from the hurricane a few months ago) BEFORE HALLOWEEN!

At the start of the madness we did go to our downtown trick or treating! When planning on the costumes months prior, I really didn't consider snow being a factor! Here are the kids ready to rock it:

Hours later it became over a foot of snow, and candy was the least thing on our minds while in a cold, dark house. Luckily we sought out refuge at my sisters home in Rhode Island, and we are staying put until we here good news from home!

Never in my life did think that snow we could turn our trick or treat plans upside down, or that I would have to shovel out my pumpkins! Certainly a Halloween to remember!

Note to self: time to look for a job south STAT!

TV SHOW CHANGE

Just and FYI if you are planning to check my debut out on I Survived Beyond And Back I have been pushed back until Nov. 6th 10pm on the BIO channel! NOT this weekend the 30th!

This WILL make you smile! Happy Halloween!

I saw this on the news and had to look it up!

http://youtu.be/UfcNoMnKjrY

Fall Florida Fun

Every time this year I post the same looking Florida vacation photos. The only difference is the little people in then keep getting bigger!

You would think with the amount of time our family spends at beaches, Addison would be a lover of it. However, she waited until the last day to embrace it and look like this (she cried all the other days pleading to go home):
Rylan however looked like this the entire time! Even with rough seas!:

Here is our very favorite outdoor mall City Place! Pete and I enjoyed a date night that included the ability to eat near the bar, and watch Carlos Mencia live!:
One of the days wasn't great weather wise so we ventured off to the local science museum:


Many of the local places to eat offer on site water fun --and so my kids never really sit in their seats:


The beaches were flooded with jellyfish this year. It made it a little worrisome for swimming but pretty cool to see none the less:
This beats ALL New England weather:
We haven't even ventured into Winter in New England yet, and we are seeing SNOW in our near forecast! After looking at these pictures and thinking about how horrible last Winter was to us, I keep thinking--WE MUST MOVE!

Why My Ovaries Hurt

I thankfully had the pleasure to scoot off to RI to meet my new nephew before he was even a week old! I also got to do this WITHOUT MY OWN KIDS! (Heavens open -- angels singing) It was so lovely that I may leave the kids every time I go to visit my family! (ok ok not every time)

I held that baby for 10 hours straight. Or at least until he cried for his Momma's kisses. He is such a GEM of a baby that he makes my ovaries hurt... and it also may include this reason to:
He is so darn cute! It is a miracle there is a non-reflux/ non-colic baby in our family! A MIRACLE! The chances of this ever happening again is like winning the lottery! Which is why my sister and I are calling it quits now!

The Devil Wears Abby Cadabby

I know what you are thinking--What an angel! Cutest Abby Cadabby on earth! Such a sweet girl.
The reality is, about 5 minutes after this picture was taken, this child was the devil in an Abby Cadabby/Sweet Girl disguise.

We were attending her local library group for 2 year olds today. She was excited to wear her costume, and sang the songs happily and calmly. Until suddenly she decided Halloween books were boring. She stood up and started yelling at the top of her lungs. She wouldn't sit. I tried to wrangle her in with quite whispers, and using terms like "criss-cross applesauce" to que her. She looked at me with disgust--"Like really Mom?-I'm in control now". I was losing my patience and losing her more each minute that passed.

Who is this kid? I thought. She is always the kid sitting still listening. She is always the kid quiet and whispering. Now she is THAT kid in a public place.

As if it couldn't get any worse--it DID!

She sweetly caressed my very favorite necklace that I earlier in the day questioned wearing. I was happy it calmed her down and she whispered to me "Mommy it is so pretty". Just as I was saying thank you, homegirl stood up and grabbed it with both hands. She flew back and put all of her weight on pulling my necklace. My very favorite necklace broke open, and hundreds of beads fell to the ground.

I was about to cry. I barely could look at her. I calmly stated "That wasn't very nice Addison". I feverishly followed every bead that fell to the ground to gather them. And this is where I learn a mighty lesson.

I'd like to thank the fellow Moms sitting near me that pretended they saw nothing. You know the ones that SAT on the beads, and proceeded to watch me try to pick all of them up while wrangling my out of control toddler. Just when I thought there was always a non-verbal "I got your back" as fellow Mommies. Not a soul--not ONE soul picked up a bead, or offered any encouragement to the moment. Actually the only thing I did receive was looks of disgust, and a non-verbal signal that it was time for us to leave.

And so I did. With more then half of my favorite necklace sitting under judgmental Mommy asses. If Abby Cadabby's wand really worked I would have changed them all into toads!

Addison learned her lesson. All day she reminded me "I broke it. I wasn't nice. I didn't listen. I sorry. I a good girl now". I love her up, and remind myself, although it was my favorite, it was a mere necklace (plus I bought one similar to it afterward at Kohl's!--that soothed the pain a little).

I learned a heavy lesson to. Never assume others will help you in any given situation. Always assume regardless of that fact, that you would.

Moms of the universe: I got your back.

Fall FUN

Leaf Pile Fun:
Addie in our "Graveyard":
Pumpkin Cheese:

Halloween Jammies:

Words

I always had a great love for writing.

At a young age I remember writing songs after listen to very inspiring Debbie Gibson albums. I also wrote a captivating short story in fourth grade about my life being married to Jon Bon Jovi (sorry kids it is a personal manuscript that I am unwilling to sell).

As I got older I learned the power of the written word. How one simple sentence can impact another human being, and how words could free oneself from our inner most feelings and thoughts. It really is a blessing. I also learned how reading can help you not only escape, but also relate to other human beings. Written words are the inner most part of the soul. For me that is so freaken cool.

I never thought I would make a living as a writer. Especially after a nasty college professor eluded to my need to "buy an editor" for my college papers, and that clearly I had the money (if she only knew). She followed that statement up with, "the only way you got here anyway is from being white and cute". This broke my soul at the time. I wondered if she were true. I gave up on my ability to write. While being unaware of her reversed racist statement would later be a blessing.

There will always be haters. Someone right now is reading this very blog thinking "oh now she thinks she can write a book--pleeeaassee". My revelation after thinking about all the hurdles I had been given is, my own worst critic is writing this very post. I am the girl the guidance counselor told to go to community college and get a job at MacDonald's. The same girl that holds two Masters degree's following his sad statement. And the same "white girl" that is no longer a size 2 that the college professor referred to, but considers herself being successful professionally.

I am not taking this blog and making it into a book. This blog was my debut blog. It helped me practice writing, vent, and be my authentic self. It is a platform of my life including a few hidden gems that may or may not be great use for a book someday, but over all a free non-edited version of my life. I never re-read it--hence the grammar. I never sensor it (unless I worry someone I am close to will read it and be hurt by it). This is who I am.

So why did I attend BlogHer Writers? because I had a strong feeling about my other blog. When I began to write it, words flew out of me from places I never knew I had. It was raw, and I saw immediately how the meat of it permeated others. It inspired me to seek out this writing thing further. We shall see what comes of it. Maybe all that I gained from a fantastic writing conference is a more purposeful blog.

Lesson learned yesterday while sitting with a major editor was regardless of what people say, you have to believe in yourself. You need to turn off the critic and turn on the believer. There isn't one of us who would be anything if we didn't put ourselves out there, and try.

It only takes a moment to dream up a dream, and a lifetime to work at making it come true.

ps. for you loyal readers! No need to worry--Mommas June Bugs is staying alive! I still get to chat with you about muffin toppers, sweat pants, and of course...Starbucks.

Work It Gurrrrllll

My pants are baggy. People are mentioning I am looking different. I am feeling good and in control of my eating habits. And I even seem to be adding some extra exercise in when I least expect it.

The part of Weight Watchers I keep failing at is food journaling. This is sort of funny since I have no real excuse for it (seeing as I am on the Internet all day), but just the mere fact it is tedious and a pain in the arse. You can't cheat to yourself. Everything on there is 100% true to what choices I made that day. Obviously this helps weight loss and is meaningful, but it is so time consuming.

I have been a WW slacker the past few weeks and need to giddy up on that skinny horse. Even when I am feeling great and control, it is important that I a) make use of the program I am paying for b) take note that I could feel and be even better! So just so we are clear, instead of logging in and counting points, I am here writing to you. (soon after logging points--for realz)

I went on my scale this morning and raised the roof. 2lbs down. You got this sista---work it. Two hours later I basically strutted into the Weight Watchers office thinking my bad ass self would make my 10lb loss into a 12lb loss. Except the joke was on me! On their scale I was up 1.5 lbs. I wanted to so badly to make excuses (I ate before hand, water weight, different scales--yada yada yada). Truth be told--for as good as I am feeling I am not doing the program like I should.

Alas I grab the reins. Wake up Aimee! If you don't do it now--Winter will come. Snow up to your ears will mean baked goods and cocoa! You must get this fully under control now before you are wearing size buffalo like last Winter.

And so my friends I am signing off to count points and dive into the smallest piece of chocolate you have ever seen.

I am still raising the roof, because even without doing the program fully--I have made some vital changes in my life--and for that a solute me.

Work it gurrrrllll.

Input Over Load

I know what you are thinking? Where are the cute newborn pics? I of course have plenty (he is lovely, and snugly), however, I have to do the tedious work of making room on my computer for more downloads. Apparently my computers brain is full, and is about to have a mental breakdown. Get in line computer--get in line!

Not that I am about to have a mental breakdown per say--but lord do I have a lot of "input" swimming around in my head. For instance--I have been thinking about a blog post here for a week now! I hate being neglectful in any aspect of my life, especially an area I do for the pure enjoyment of fun!

I have been anxiously awaiting my tv debut coming Oct. 30 at 10pm on the BIO Channel. I was taking a small break the other day and watching an old episode of the show I am on, and low and behold, I WAS the sneak peek of the season! Which floors me really, because I always thought people on this show had WAY bigger-more meaningful stories to tell--and they choose me? My anxiety isn't coming from my authenticity but from my worry of people receiving it. I know it will all be ok because it is my truth, and my purpose. Which also brings me to--have you been watching Oprah's Life Class? WOW. Best tv I have ever seen hands down!

I have also been dealing with the inability to swallow correctly (which I am sure lends to a number of jokes out there--hardy-har-har to you!). My tonsil is growing in size by the day! I have yet to eat something in weeks that doesn't get stuck! So off I went to the ENT Dr. and of course, his recommendation was to get it out ASAP! So I will be evacuating the tonsil of Texas in November. I am worried about it on many levels. Including the one that it might cost me the Dave Matthews concert I am planning on seeing that weekend! YES I considered rescheduling around it--because I already missed seeing him this Summer! Then the other level---Cancer. Scary word. I am sure it will all be ok, but it is still worrisome.

In the meantime I am off to BlogHer' Writers this Friday! I am so excited! I love that I am trying something new, and that I won't look back on this "I Wish ..." with regrets! I am going in and giving it my best. My book proposal is iffy since I haven't a clue what it should look like, but it is honest. All I can hope is that it is received well. I am also so excited to be in my favorite city all by myself for the day--regardless of the 4:30 am wake up!

There is a load on my plate right now, but I wouldn't change any of it--except for the tonsil maybe. The up side is I will be able to eat Thanksgiving dinner without food getting caught, and by then my tv show will be aired and out!

Focal Point

I received a text on my phone that read "I like drugs I can't wait to get some". Normally this would be a concerning text but I responded "Don't worry alcohol is in your near future!".

My sister was in the early stages of labor and I needed to do what I could to assist from afar. Naturally the mention of wine seemed like answer (9 months plus -a week over due would do it to you too!)

The next text read something like "I love epidurals" and my response was I am sure was key. Everyone needs a focal point they say so I responded "Keep your eye on the prize--a margarita! OH ..and a baby too". I can just picture my sister pushing out my nephew focusing on the idea of a margarita in her hand. Who needs classical music or a picture when you have a party in your head! I am positive it helped!

I waited. Waited. And waited some more. I probably should had a margarita myself while waiting to calm my own nerves. See my sister didn't have the best first labor/delivery experience with my niece, I just wanted this one to be smooth sailing for her.

I talked myself into going to bed, but wrapped myself around my cell phone in hopes of some news.

Next text read at 11:39 "Here's Ian". I couldn't open up the text quick enough--because it meant a picture of my first ever nephew in it! And there he was so cute with my happy looking-calm sister. Even if she doesn't admit it--I am positive it was because of my eye on the prize text. She can thank me later.

And I am blessed to be an aunt again! Now that is something to cheers about!

What Does It Take For Quality Care?

We started out annual Florida trip with a bang! My poor kid was so sad when I picked him up from school early to grab our flight out. I thought he was anxious about leaving, which sounded GREAT in my head, until he was suddenly puking in the security line at the airport. Thankfully we were in suburban NY and not urban NYC, as I am quite positive the reaction to a child puking in the security line wouldn't have been so well received.

He was totally out of character and almost lethargic the entire flight. On the way down I had a garbage bag practically wrapped around his head, and when he threw up as we were landing I declared "stomach bug". This was an utter-vacation-bomb to declare, as we were envisioning 5 days of taking turns to the bathroom at the family home in Florida.

The next day Rylan broke out into a head to toe rash--AGAIN. Two weeks prior he had this and perplexed doctors when they couldn't figure out what he had. He tested positive for 1 strep test and not another. Well a HUGE sum of $$$ to a walk-in clinic in Florida which we attend EVERY SINGLE TIME WE VISIT (I wish I was kidding or at least exaggerating but it is true) determined just that. Rylan had strep and he was mis diagnosed by our doctors back at home.

This did not sit well with me. Especially since we are brand spanken new to the the practice, and just got out of 5 years of crap care from our old pedi's office. I continued to have somewhat of hope until Rylan had a allergic reaction to one of meds (swollen/drooping eye) and the after hours pedi nurse (no doctor on call WHAT?) didn't know a thing nor was she even associated with the practice. She did however tell me the pedi office made a huge mistake by not re-testing Rylan when he tested for strep originally and told me to call his doctor in the morning.

I was hugely disappointed. I didn't get any clear answers until I called the walk-in clinic yet again.

I feel like we are back to square one again. I am in search of a doctors office that actually cares for their patients. I want to be heard and validated at the parent. I want top notch care and not to be blown off. I was apologies when things aren't done right, and for my kid not to suffer with strep for almost a month after being seen more then once.

And I am searching yet again.

Where I Am At Yo

Wow this world is swirling around me.

Deep breath Aimee deep breath.

There is a lot going on. Even more to take in. And I am just trying to wrap myself around the things that matter-like my smiling daughter asking me to go push her on the swings.

Watching the commercial the other day on BIO was humbling and scary. It reminded me that this big reveal of my deepest secret was about to be shared with the world. Vulnerable much?

I am feeling really emotional about it. Plus the fact I am a hormonal/PMS mess and my sister is about to deliver new life sort equals me being a hot mess. Plus--don't even get me started with the camera adding 10 lbs, or the fact I wish the show had a make-up artist. OH and why exactly did I cut my hair so short RIGHT BEFORE taping!

I am occupying my mind with the "how I look" stuff, when really what I fear most isn't someone from my past thinking "look how fat Aimee looks" but more "Aimee has gone off the deep end with her "I died" story". When in fact it isn't a story, it is a fact. The fact of my being. Discounting it almost feels like discounting me.

I am breathing.

It airs Oct 30 on BIO! I hope you will tune in!

The second layer of all of this is the "what now". I keep asking myself what is the next step. What do I want to do with this now that my secret is out? I am still not sure about that. I am sure what matters is taking in the moment. Remembering why I told my secret in the first place.

In the meantime I will be figuring out the big question while at BlogHer' Writers, and in much prayer. I also will be hugging my kids more often and reminding myself of all the glorious things that matter in life. Worrying about what others think should not be one of them.

Big things are on the horizon. I feel it in my bones and in my core. I have this never ending feeling of vomiting, and an insane amount of insomnia.

The good news is, I have never felt so alive.

I Survived... Beyond and Back: Aimee - Web Exclusive: I Survived Beyond and Back Full Episodes and Videos - Biography.com

I Survived... Beyond and Back: Aimee - Web Exclusive: I Survived Beyond and Back Full Episodes and Videos - Biography.com

The Sky Is The Limit If Only You Have It Within To Grab It

It is true that I spent my entire year in fifth grade staring at the corner against the wall. My teacher told me I had no self control (and in fact failed it on every report card). I could help but talk. I talked to anyone willing to listen. Heck I probably could have been found talking to that wall I stuck next to all year.

The other factor to my willingness to talk to anything, was I had little to no investment in my education. After being held back, and brought to the "stupid room" for extra services, I was often told (maybe not by words but actions), that I would never amount up to much. I guess somewhere in my head I thought--ok if I am stupid I am stupid, at least I can talk and get attention that way. Besides my first grade teacher that told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up, not one other adult ever breathed an ounce of hope for me while growing up with and IEP. I was just known as that pain in the ass kid. What they lacked doing was scratching the service, and realizing this pain in the ass kid a) wanted attention and would seek it --good-bad-or indifferent, in any way possible , and b) had dreams. It was just another span in my life I felt so completely alone.

Not much changed as years went by, except I learned that advocating for others filled me up where I had lacked. I learned that I could do great things and be noticed for it. I could make a real difference and come out feeling like the "good one", instead of the kid having to sit in the corner for a year. I still had many nay sayers in my high school career. I loved when the school Social Worker told me I didn't have any business going into her field! So supportive after I had co-ran our school anti-drug program, helped pass a state law, did a number of local sting operations, won a massive scholarship for community work and another in honor of a child who died from a drunk driver, and learned how advocacy makes a difference in real lives. But... I had no business being a Social Worker. Imagine if I told some of my teachers back then I would be a teacher someday? I might have been tarred and feathered. Heck even the guidance counselor told me I shouldn't assume I could make it through college. He told me I should settle at community college and getting a job. He recommended McDonald's.

Where were the adults to inspire my young, easily molded life? How many times could one person be told you will never make it? And yet I did.

A comment a while back had implied that I love to boost about how overly educated I am. This is not true. What seems like boosting is actually me telling the world sometimes the underdog can win! I am a perfect example of how someone in the low scoring classes and seemingly unimportant can rise above it. And that some of those high and mighty honors kids, are now in puny jobs doing nothing with their lives. It wasn't my inability to get straight A's that determined my life's purpose, drive, or outcome. It was my own willingness to make it happen.

At the end of the day when I look in my school aged kids eyes, I need to remind myself to tell him he can be anything. He can do anything. There isn't a label, a paper, a report card, a person, that can prove this fact different. It is my job as his parent and advocate to fuel his fire.

We had a rough week this week. Rylan didn't have his best week at school. We over came it. His teacher assured me what a joy he is in her class, and how sweet he is even though he disrespected a fellow teacher this week. From Rylan's point of you I am sure it seems his parents have been hard on him this week. From my point of view Rylan starts his educational legacy now! He needs to make wise choices, be his best, and do his best.

Sometimes we have to give kids the chance to be their best before assuming they will choose to be their worst. We need to model by example, follow through, and not laugh at their dreams but show them the way.

This is why I became a Social Worker, a Teacher, and most importantly a MOM!

Giving Back

Just wanted to share with you a guys a post I wrote on Seeking Up that I wrote with 100% of my soul! I hope all of you savor a moment like this you might of had, or try to make one happen!

I DID IT!

Here is the thing. It is so darn easy--to darn easy to be your own worst critic/hater. It is so easy to give in to the "I can't"s. It is so easy to live in your predictable safe world that you are 100% being successful at, then putting yourself out there.

As I wrote a few days ago, I am trying really hard to give my self a chance. Instead of surrendering to my own worst critic, what kind of life can I lead as my own biggest cheerleader? Imagine the potential when I actually believe I can do it. Or at least TRY. I am starting to realize if you aren't willing to try, you aren't really living up to your best potential. And shouldn't we be?

So not only am I going to BlogHer's Writers conference alone next month. I also jumped a major hurdle for a girl so sensitive and down about her own body image. I ran my first 5K:

Pete and Sporty Spice had my back throughout. They ran with me, told me I could do it over and over again, and didn't get mad when I was hella pissy towards the end. I didn't stop! I never stopped! My inner fat girl so desperately wanted to stop and say "I CAN'T". However I finished. Even with the amount of hills I had to endure-I did it. Not so bad time, and I WASN'T last! I always assumed I would be. I didn't train for this --unless you call eating chocolate and counting down to this day. I maybe ran a mile a week but this was totally poor planning on my part. Next time I know better, next time I'll do better!

It was for an awesome cause. Near and dear to my heart, and in remembrance to a friend of a friend that passed on September 11 on one of the flights. How could I not do it? How could I excuse myself from trying for such a great cause and for a beautiful life lost on a horrible day? Or for the amount of September 11 kids who will reap from the money raised from this?

I did it. And I didn't use Rylan's illness as an excuse to excuse me. I put my big girl pants on today after being up all night with a sick kid. AND.... I DID IT!

I also joyfully went home with winning 3 out of 30 raffles! 3 gift certificates to great eats around town!

Sometimes going out of your comfort zone is some of the best life lessons. The only person stopping you from your greatest YOU is YOU!

School Days

This past week was "the big day". Addie went to preschool all by herself. I prepped her in the car that I was leaving her and not to cry. Luckily when I did leave she turned to me and said "Addie no cry, Mommy come back". Although the report was there were a few slip ups of sadness but over all a great first day!

I had to take a picture of her that day (even with my very sleepy face):
Here she is ready to go in and happy about it:
We can only hope it continues this well!

As for Rylan, it took no time for him to acquire the down side of Kindergarten-THE GERMS! Poor kid has spent the past 48 hours with a sore throat, vomiting, and a grand finally of a head to toe rash. He has a nasty case of Strep. We are hoping after 24 hours of antibiotics he will feel 100% better. Poor kid keeps asking me if today is the day he will feel better.

Overall the transition back to school has been a wonderful one. Rylan's teacher called this week to see how he was feeling and to ask me to be room Mom. Not sure what that entails, but I agreed since I want to be part of his experience. I am still pretty shocked he is a Kindergartner-buying lunch, and going to real school. Time flies.

Dreaming Big

BlogHer Writers '11-I AM GOING!

I am not sure how this came about other then prayer and the fire in my belly telling me I should give this a try. I do not think that being a blogger makes me a writer by any means. I am also aware of the enormity of people wanting to publish a book. However, if you don't dare to dream then they never come true.

It take a lot for me to go. As I get older I am more anxiety prone, and worrisome (or that could have come from being a parent and NOT about age). I am going to this solo. With nothing written on paper, just an idea deep in my soul. I might go and think it was the worst money I ever spent realizing it is not for me, or it could be the best money I ever spent and a dream come true. Either way, isn't life all about grabbing the proverbial balls?

I am stepping out of my comfort zone here. Doing what I do best: being a student. At the end of the day if I learn something new either about my self or the subject of writing, it is well worth it. Plus this gives me a great opportunity to meet new bloggers!

I am going for it! At the end of the day I will never have to question the "what if's" after trying.

What To Expect When You Get All Food Cocky

It would have been easy to call today a wash by 10 am.

I gave in to eating the bagel sitting on my counter for two days, and it happened to be weigh-in day. Something told me this wouldn't be a good idea. It tasted super yummy, and in the midst of it's cinnamon-y goodness I realized the person I was a month ago would have never given in.

Sometimes my self-discipline just plain out sucks. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Can I just call bullshit right there? I did over a month of none stop food tracking/journal, exercising, attending WW meetings, and making a huge adjustment to what I purchase in the store. Then suddenly out of no where I am almost at doing none of these.

I rationalize it with excuses. "I'm busy" "It's back to school with new schedules" "I have a cold" "I am tired" and so on and so forth. However at the end of the day when I am on the scale and wondering why it isn't working with me, my thumbs point to ME. There are no excuses that are excusable. It you want something bad enough you will work for it, which gets me back to today.

At weigh in I assumed it wouldn't matter. Even though I haven't consistently tracking my points in weeks, nor make a meeting, I lost every week. Why would this one be any different? Well my cocky ass got a dose of "DUDE you don't eat BAGELS to lose weight". May I just add, this was my SECOND BAGEL this week and it's only Wednesday! D.U.M.B

1.4 gain. I was pissed at myself in the car ride home. I gave myself a humble talking to in my head. What did you expect? You are tired from not being active! You are running your very first 5K this weekend for an AWESOME cause and have done nothing to prepare for it. You tracked/journal maybe half a day in a matter of two weeks which is not making you accountable. QUIT YOUR BITCHING and DOOOOOOO something about it.

Alas, I am signing off this blog, putting Addison down for a nap, and seizing the day. I will be on my treadmill, after I log in what I ate today. Including the 13 point bagel with cream cheese. I need to stop co-signing my own bull-shit and taking moments like these (that can so easily turned into woe-is-me lets eat cookies) and OWN them.

I OWN today. I choose how this day will end. And today I plan to end it with being a less cocky, more motivated, back on the bandwagon self.

Silverlining

It started with the inability to move fast enough to take a shower today. I felt as if I was carrying an elephant on my back, and all I wanted to do was sip tea to soothe the porcupine in my throat.

I hurried in time to get the kids dressed and fed. I had exactly a little over a minute to make myself look presentable enough for bus stop greetings with the neighbors. I did so thinking I was a step a away from looking like I jumped out of bed in my pj's. Thankfully I-spied someone that wore something particularly interesting that I just about posted here and yelled at myself "SENSOR-Aimee- SENSOR ", (I am totally one of those chicks that talk to herself), after all I do live in the neighborhood and this itty blog it easy to find. Although you need to know my name to do so, and I am willing to bet maybe 3 possibly 4 people on the street actually know it. I like it that way (although I am soften up to suburban Sesame Street feeling and letting go of the New York chip-on-the-shoulder chick).

I can not breathe. I was about to complain about this, and the fact I sound like Kermit the Frog when I urged myself to find a silver lining to this all.

Clearly the silver lining isn't feeling like dog do-do, or the fact I couldn't visit my friend today to gossip and hold her newborn. Then I was doing my usual job requirements and changing a dirty diaper and thought "Sh*t I can't smell that" (pun well intended). Lunch time came and I thought I should eat. A bell rang in my head--I was telling myself I SHOULD eat not I want to eat. Alas my lack of taste buds or ability to smell chocolate (or sh*t for that matter) clearly became the light in the storm. This my peeps would be a fabulous Weight Watchers week with this mega of a cold, and loss of love for food (temporary of course).

The part I plan to complain about comes tonight when I try to lay down and breathe. For now I am continuing to practice the art of seeing the good. Later I plan to practice the art of what medication and knock me the F' to sleep.

And I beckoned Fall to come. What a wench! Soon I will be standing in 10 feet of snow trying to fine a silver lining and telling myself off (literally). Saying to self, "Aimee you can stick it where the sun don't shine with your silver lining finding and your absolute NEED for pumpkin spice lattes. You brought this on b*tch" .

Most of the time I am sane. Put me in a Winter like last years and I am nutty-er' then squirrel poo. This cool air today warns me it is just around the corner. At least there is a chance I could be skinny nuts!

Addie Goes To School

It is amazing how fast time goes by when your kids are little. It is like "normal" life prior to kids on speed. I remember thinking a year went by so slowly when I was only responsible for me. Now I am not sure where the years go.

Addie is a vibrant 2 yr old. She astonishes me almost daily with things that she says or does. It is all to often that I look at her and see me. This clearly means I am in for it when she hits her teen years. For now we have been adjusting to being just "us girls" during the week. Having her brother at school full-time has both upset her (losing her playmate), and made her excited (all the Mom attention is now on her). We are gearing up for a few classes, and while I go back to subbing a few times a week, she will also indulge in one on one Papa time.

Addison has been by my side since the moment she was born. Since she is in the second child she hasn't had the experience Rylan had when he was little with being involved in activities and socializing constantly with peers her age. So as a practice to getting used to being away from me, and gain more socialization with peers, she started a pre-school 2's program.

This is sort of funny coming from me, since years ago when Rylan was 2 I couldn't BELIEVE any parent would want to do this. My first parent mind couldn't grasp wanting to be away from my 2 yr old for even a minute, and I didn't see any benefits he would gain from it since in my new parent eyes he was still a baby. Second time round was the complete opposite. I keep thinking why WOULDN'T a parent want to do this once a week for half a day! Not only will I gain a few hours of freedom to grocery shop on my own or work out--my child will get ready for school! A win-win for us both! She is excited and so am I!

Here she is on her first day:

Introducing: Seeking Up

I have been holding my new blog like a newborn baby. Savoring it, and drinking it into my soul. I have been writing on it letting my soul run free. Knowing it was not yet public or seen by others, there was a sense of security I knew I had.

This new blog is not for everyone. It isn't for people that don't like to speak about God or Heaven. It isn't for people that don't believe in near-death experiences, or that people can be close to God without going to church every week. I am sure some of it's content will not always sit well with people, but I felt as if it was like delivering the very essence to who I am after living 30 some odd years of my life holding it in.

I obviously know there will be skeptics. Heck I even know of some family members that are. I also know once my show airs in the Winter it will bring more people questioning the truth. However, at the end of the day I live with only me, and this is my truth.

My hope is that it delivers comfort to those that need it, clarity to people that seek it, and understanding of who I am to those close to me that I never spoke a word about this to.

At the end of the day (especially this one), it is important to Seek Up and have faith. I couldn't think of a better day to deliver what I experienced then today. I am more then confident that when we die we are not stuck in a ground and forgotten, but more alive then we have ever been.

So for you that are interested...

Seeking Up .... My new spiritual blog.

Never Forget: My 9/11 Story

It was an ordinary dreary weekend day in the financial district of NYC. We had just graduated with our Masters from Fordham, and settling into the "real world" with brand new jobs.

"Isn't this place amazing?" he said. "I can't believe I am going to be working here in a few months". For a business major I am sure this is considered the "it" place to be in the working world, for a social work major, I just shrugged and was supportive. I sat by the water fountain that was shaped as the world and looked around. "It's a ghost town down here on the weekend" I said. (words to forever haunt me)He wanted to take pictures, and knowing it was important to him, we did. I, on the other hand, owned these photos photos we took that day, for months before they would end up being the most important photos taken in my life. To me, on the day they were taken, they were mere buildings in a city sea of buildings. Today one is framed in my living room permanently as a reminder of that horrific day, and that these building were anything but ordinary.

Months later, September 11, 2001 was both our first days at our new jobs. Mine was in Boston as a supervisor for non-profit, and his was at the World Trade Center in New York City.

He was one of the lucky ones.

Here is what I saw a week later when I went to visit the area. The city was in complete silence. The city that never sleeps.

This picture you can see faintly in the background the famous part of a wall still standing:
We were aloud up closer since he worked there. However, out of respect, and out of taking the moment to grieve and be "in it", I didn't photograph what I saw. It was more important of a moment to feel, and pray.

The impact of what happened was grand by seeing the site. However the worst part for me was seeing the hope and desperation that wallpapered the city. One of the main places stood at Saint Vincents Hospital since it was one of the main hubs that day. Although this place took my breath away, and I shed what felt like a million tears, I had to take a picture and remember it's feeling. This is what I saw for MILES:

For many years I sat in anger on this day. This guy I knew that survived was not always kind, and lacked many redeeming qualities. Why would this day have to be a constant reminder of him? Finally, it was this year that I realized, it doesn't. Although my memory of that day was 100% consumed by him, the anniversary doesn't define it by only him. Many times wondering why he lived when I am sure some of the people that weren't so lucky were better, warmer people, I came to a realization I should continue to be thankful he lived. If he hadn't, I would have memorialized him into someone he wasn't. I would have spent my life mourning him. I would have never learned the lessons him being less then kind would give to me in the long run. I would have never married a wonderful man that is completely opposite him. Nor would I have two beautiful kids to wrap my arms around on the 10th anniversary of such a horrible day.

I will forever feel the loss that the city I loved felt that day. I will always feel the loss America felt that day. I will never forget the miles of pictures I scanned over posted by loved ones, or the smell of death that permeated my skin for days after. I will never forget lessons I learned from that day,or ever be so naive again.

Our country lost its innocence that day.

I will never forget.

We, as a country, will never forget.