Ever

I keep imagining the day when the police car roaming the elementary school parking feels normal. Will it ever? And should it? For as thankful that I am that they are there, I also feel the pit in my stomach reliving over and over what just happened in the community one town over. Every day I drop my daughter off to preschool I feel like vomiting. Every morning I wave to my son as he gets on the bus I pray it won't be my last memory of him. This is our reality in this are of Connecticut, while the rest of the nation seemingly fights over political stances on gun control.

Quickly I am learning that there will never be a day our community forgets. Ever. The difference is the rest of the world that does not have a direct impact has stopped talking about it, while we are still grieving. Never in a million years would I have imagined this would take place here, and so other naive people continue to think that way about their own places they call home.

While shopping at my local Trader Joes I couldn't stop thinking about Lauren Rousseau and the latte she made me weeks before the end of her life came. A sweet smiling Starbucks barista made me a latte' while on my way to go Christmas shopping, and days later she was taken from this earth while trying to save children. How will I ever not think of her when returning there?

I watched Katie Couric's show "Katie" about the aftermath of Newtown. I hear sweet Ann's Mom talk about her child who loved to dance inside the stores at the local mall. My local mall.

I see a sweet picture of sweet little Jessica on Facebook getting a pedicure. A pedicure at the same place I frequent.

I visit Addison's old preschool she attended last year that lost a number of alumni that day. All I can think about is their laughs that used to fill the walls, and how trusting their parents once were to leaving their kids to responsible adults fully expecting to always pick them up again alive and well-forever.

The list goes on and on and on.

I do not even live in Newtown and this is the impact this has had on my life. A daily, breathing, heartbreaking, impact. Imagine how those that live in that town feel?

When the 26 random acts of kindness came out and the nation chimed in playing, it seemed up-lifting. However, part of me knew that it was a matter of time that this fade to would die out. When you aren't living it and breathing it, you move on. During the height of it I participated by buying some nice unassuming Starbucks customer their order. I did this with the intention of thinking about sweet Lauren who made my latte weeks ago. I did it without any expectation other then giving love. Moving forward that is all I could think to do...pour unassuming love everywhere. And so I did.

I don't always have gleaming redeeming qualities about me or my nature. But the one thing I am confident in is that I am a giver. I am a giver to the point that often it becomes harmful to me. I have always enjoyed making others feel good, even if it was at my own expense sometimes. I always thought of this as negative quality to carry with me. After 12/14 I realized it is in fact one of endearment, and I have since embraced it.

Today while driving through my local Starbucks to get my latte things took an unexpected spin. This is not the Starbucks Lauren worked at, but the one I frequent, and the one I now know to give a proper good morning to each and every barista. I wonder if I was kind that day to Lauren. I wish I would've tipped her. I wish I took the time to tell her how I enjoyed her smile.

Today my Starbucks random act of kindness was returned to me. As I pulled up and greated my normal baristas with a good morning, they smiled. "The car in front of you paid". I could not help but get choked up. I was on my way to drop off Addison to the school being surveillanced by local police, and I could not stop weeping. She asked what was wrong with me. I assured her I was happy and that people in the world can be very, very kind.

I am usually the giver. I never in million years expected to be the receiver. Ever.

I will never stop pouring love. Ever.