Happily Ever After

Almost two months ago Pete and I stood silently in the very aisle that made history today. We stood there alone thinking how often do people actually get to stand where we were standing--alone, in silence. I turned to him and whispered: "It is crazy to think this is the very place the Royal Wedding will go down. We are standing, alone, in the very place!"

We got up early that day to attend communion. We had thought it would be a regular mass. It was quite a surprise when Pete and I got there and entered through a side entrance (which so happens to be the entrance of the church the aisle began in today's festivities--not the main entrance!), and the service was in a small chapel within the Abbey. There we stood with four other people. It was an experience we had never had, nor expected. On our way out the priest that gave us our communion was so kind, and thanked us for coming. Afterwards is when we snagged our time in the main area of the church. It was dark and early in the morning. A pretty church, but nothing grand like we had expected. The history of it is overwhelming, and breath taking, and would only gain meaning once this day arrived.

The side entrance on an ordinary day looks like this:
In comparison to what it looked like today on tv was insane. Our shock didn't start and end at that side entrance. We watched the priest who gave us communion just a few weeks before, greet all of the royals, led Kate down the aisle, and did parts of the ceremony. We watched the spot we stood in during that cold, dark, morning, turn grand. The boys choir we stopped in to listen to, sang today at the wedding. This all made our experience watching the Royal Wedding all that more exciting.

I woke up today at 5:30 a.m. with excitement. I could not wait to see this fairytale unfold. Apparently Addison didn't want to miss it as well, since she woke up fifteen minutes later which is completely out of character. She sat on my lap pointing to the screen saying "princess--pretty" over and over again. She could not keep her eyes off of it. I kept thinking how I was experiencing history with her, and that someday I hope I can bring her there.

Visiting a place with such rich history and recounting something you only witnessed on tv is one of those once in a lifetime moments. I had that while standing first in St Paul's Cathedral while remembering Charles & Diana's wedding, then in the Abbey thinking about when I watched the sad funeral service for Diana, and then what it would be like today.

I can't believe I ever thought I could "skip" London in my travels. London ended up being a diamond in the rough. I can't wait to go back. It was an exciting morning, filled with reminders on why I adored it there. So regal, so timeless, and ending with a couple I believe will have their "happily ever after".

Internal GPS

Women's intuition is a beautiful thing. I'd hate to go anywhere with out it, so I am glad it was designed to be the best internal GPS/accessory a girl could have. My "gut", "feeling", or whatever you would like to call it, never stares me wrong. It is my free will that chooses to ignore my internal GPS, and drive freely into turbulence and dead ends.

It has only been finally in my 30's I realized, "Huh-when I made that choice to date that sleaze bag years ago, my gut felt wrong about it" or "That job I took and ended up hating--I remember losing sleep over it because something wasn't sitting right with me internally" or "I became quick friends with her but somehow I knew she would let me down or hurt me". DUH... I wasn't listening to the most important person to guide me through my life choices-ME.

I have also learned two lessons I try to live by now a days:

• When something seems way to good to be true, it probably is
• When something doesn't seem quite right, it probably isn't

Why am I sharing this with you?

Sounds sort of negative and pessimistic doesn't it? Actually it had helped me positively in many, many ways. It has helped me to avoid people, places, and things that just didn't sit right. It has settled many nights of anguish and worry. It has helped me to rule any and all situations, in parts of my life.

I am usually so good with my "gut" when it comes to my kids. There have been more times then I can count that Rylan showed no systems of anything being wrong but my gut told me to take him into the doctor and we would walk out with a prescription for a double ear infection. Since it is so trustworthy, I wonder why I don't trust it as often as I should when it comes to things directly involving me.

Most recently I lost about a months worth of sleep over a job position in an entirely new field that was being presented to me. A job that was pretty much being handed to me on the silver platter. At first I thought this was great, and the perfect fit for being a Mom and a part-time professional. Then as things unfolded I started to realize that squeaky clean picture that I had painted in my mind was to good to be true. The entire time I lost sleep over it and worried about "what the right choice" is, I had the answer. My gut just flat out said "no". NO NO NO --(internal screams)--and then I would rationalize it, and think well maybe I am missing on a great opportunity or the "we could REALLY use the money". In the end I went with my gut, and although I had to turn down a perfectly good job in a crap economy, I realized I can't live as a fraud, and my professional passion is for only one thing: teaching. The job I passed down just didn't fit completely, it had a huge commute, and it seemed to be partnered with a supervisor that could have been a nightmare. So it goes, and I am back online looking for teaching jobs full time. This was my big reveal: I realized I would rather return to the working force full-time, then have a part-time job with commute that I wasn't passionate about.

Along side this I have been working on being on a particular (can't share right now) tv show. I am not sure if it will pan out. I have passed the screen test, and they love my story, but the people to back up my story seem to be in the air. There is this nagging feeling that something isn't right. I am not sure what it is, but tv or not tv, I am sure the hell going to find out.

Lastly, when meeting new people I have learned to trust what the inner GPS is showing. This is much different then my first "judgement" of them. Being in my thirties has gifted me with the realization that many people don't deserve my time in this world, that you will never be liked by everyone, and that not everyone will do for you what you would for them. With this I have declared to focus on those that matter. Making new friends and letting new people enter my world is now looked at as more of a privilege, then of desperation or to be liked.

Go with your gut. You were given that inner GPS for a reason. When life seems to give you choices in which seem impossible to decipher, look within. The answer is always already given.

Easter 2011

This was a busy Easter season for us! So busy I forgot to bring the kids to the mall to have their annual photo with the Easter bunny (#6548 parent FAIL). I almost didn't have the time to dye eggs, but luckily we squeezed it in, along with two Easter family gatherings!

The kids Easter trees:
Dying Toy Story Eggs or as Addie call everything Toy Story --"Toy Story twooo"


Easter a.m. was a blast:
Addison admired her princess books and blurted out: "I got princess!"
Rylan's favorite was his massive King Cobra he says "Is just like M.I.A from the Bronx zoo"
Us as a family of 4! I quickly turned into Summer wear after this picture because it was a hot & humid one!
Rylan with is "take your darn picture already" face
One of the cutest pictures I think I have ever got of her:
Bro & Sis
egg hunting

Easter Palm Sunday in Rhode Island!

Addie was happy to open every egg
Rylan always seems to find this one every year
All the kiddos ready to run for it
fashion bug

Sugar Free Easter?

I know you will all be SHOCKED and possibly horrified to know that the "Easter Bunny" isn't giving any candy out at my house. Why? Simply because my children received about 5lbs of candy from our Rhode Island Eas-tah last weekend (reasoning for war with Rolos 2011), and I am pretty sure-in fact I can bank on it, that my Mother in-law won't buy a ton of candy but will buy Lindt and/or Godiva. This means trouble for me in the days ahead. Focus Aimee focus--I must repeat: "Aimee you LOVE nuts & dried fruit. Godiva tastes like bunny feces". Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Anyway, my dear friend and former roomie asked me to guest post on her healthy ass/funny blog. Which is sort of funny in itself since I haven't exactly been the picture of health--but she has faith in me. I think it was a pretty funny post and hope you will go on over there and check it out!

No Rolos = GREAT Success

• Woke up at 7:15 a.m., fed kids, and ate a whole grain blueberry waffle with sugar free Smuckers Jam
• Dressed three people, packed for the day, made a list, and dropped the kids off to my in laws all by 9:30 a.m.
• Started my kid-free day with a trip to Target to buy a few well needed items. Items like a bigger sports bra, which normally would sound great if not followed by bigger granny "hello I am a mother of two c-section babies", muffin topper cover ,panties. The biggest cotton panty I think I have ever seen, but I am sick of wedgies. I am pretty sure Pete will love me anyway. Bought NO snacks, and nothing with carbs even though I held them in my arms and sang a love song to them in the aisle.
• Went to Big Y supermarket to buy chicken and veggies for dinner. Left without buying ice cream.
• Went to Starbucks (real shocker here). Except without kids I got to go INSIDE (enter angels singing), and not have to deal with half ass made coffee from the drive through barista.
• Came home and wrote an awesome, funny, fun blog post that does not appear here but somewhere else. More of that to come.
• Didn't eat rolos. Not 1.
• Had a salad for lunch-a real shocker for REALZ
• Indulged in a mad-crazy expensive Spa pedicure with a friend, while not knowing it was mad crazy expensive. Left with beautiful feet, and a soul filled with guilt.
• Blared Dave Matthews (instead of Laurie Berkner) with windows down, thinking maybe, just maybe, Summer will come soon.
• Went home and snacked on some sissy-p*ssy snack like dried fruit & nuts. Gag. So not a snack, but maybe one day I will think so.
• Still no rolos.
• Cleaned my house. Actually got to dust things that haven't been dusted in months (like my treadmill). Organized toys so the order can me disorganized when children return home. Sat in silence. Watched Dr. Phil (NOT Scooby Doo) while putting laundry away.
• Ran for a mile and half . A true miracle. My mams totally digged the new sports bra.
• Called my sister to announce I had not eaten a single rolo today
• Listened to Indigo Girls while cooking chicken & veggies for dinner
• Took a hot shower with a CLOSED DOOR (this never happens with Addie around!), shaved my legs (yet another miracle of the day), and put on my new sexy underwear which feels like sweatpants to me. Is it odd to love thy granny panty?
• 7:30 p.m waiting for kids and husband to return.

Sometimes Moms just need a break. This day was a (must say with Borat accent) "great success" because normally when I "take breaks" this translates into eat crap and watch tv. I convince myself I "deserve it", when really I don't deserve that. I deserve to be healthy, and give my self a chance. It is a miracle what can get done in one day when not focused on food.

Bringing Sexy back with one granny panty at a time.

Great Shots

provided by my awesome brother in-law! HOLLA!

Starts With Change, Ends With Easter Candy

I am thinking that the stars are aligned right now. I am sitting here getting ready for my next post and the #1 trending thing on Yahoo is Nutella. You will understand why this is so damn funny by the end of this saga.

So this weekend was sort of big deal for me. My husband wanted me to get a short haircut for years, and I always bowed out of the drastic change and came home with a short bob. This weekend I embraced change and came home with this:

BIG BIG FREAKEN CHANGE. Honestly I am still not 100% used to it. I keep getting compliments while wondering if people are just amusing me. I am pretty sure my grandfather who saw me this weekend thought I was trying to become his grandson. Never the less, change is good. Even if I don't even up loving it, it will grow back, life will go on, and I will never say I didn't try a dramatic hair change. Half the beauty in life is taking chances, and excepting change. Which leads me to something else I am hating these days..... the scale.

The scale has become my enemy. The number floors me. It is way worse then I suspected. Winter really did me in. I keep going through waves of feeling ok about being overweight, and suddenly feeling like a fat pig. I keep going in waves of dieting, eating whatever I want when I want, and convincing myself I can tweek here and there and get results.

My 34 yr old self is so freaken pissed at my 24 yr old self. The chick who never cared about what she ate, or level of activity she is getting. The chick that had NO kids, NO husband, and plenty of time to go to the gym. Instead that old, skinny, twig- NYC self, made bad habits, super bad choices, and never ever thought she would see the day she would be putting on size 14/16 jeans. I'm peeved I didn't realize how cute I was, and how great clothes fit on me. I am mad I took what I looked like for granted. Maybe if I knew what was to come post housing babies in my belly, and my metabolism slowing down, I would have made better habits in preparation. I would have wanted it more, and the scale would have been less.

There isn't an option. I need to pull myself back in and get on the healthy horse again. I am still reading a ton of fitness magazines, and healthy food mags. It is funny. I will sit ripping new exercises out of a magazine while eating rolos and washing it down with hot chocolate. It reminds me of Sesame Street: "one of these things is not like the other". I even signed myself up on Self.com for a program Jump Start Diet designed by Jillian Micheals to give me a little motivation. It has been three days and I read it, take notes, think "this is great", and then eat my kids Easter candy and feel like a failure. I also have been LOVING reading my old roommates blog (who can be my witness that I did in fact eat chicken nuggets & Ben & Jerry's for dinner in my NYC days). She can also be my witness that I was once fashionable, and didn't wear sweat pants everyday like my frompy Mom self does right now. I always thought CrossFit people were total NUT JOBS --little did I know my dear friend Katie was one of them! Her blog makes me laugh out loud. Lots of humor, lots of food for thought (literally), and lots of making the person within want to break out and make dramatic change (like my hair!). If you are looking for a major healthy change, and some laughs, go over there and show her some love-She is new to the blog block and homegirls got it down.

So back to my hair. Honestly my first worry wasn't "do I look like a boy?". It was the typical women line of "Does it make me look fat?". Sadly I am a women that gains weight first in the face, and I feel like short hair has just written a memo to the world that "p.s. Aimee gained weight".

I feel like crap. I look like crap. I need to pull myself out of crapdom.

I am sick of not fitting into clothes. Not knowing what to wear. While I have been feeling like this for a while, and recycling the same maternity sweat pants in my weekly wear, I saw this blog today! First off, how cool is it to have a blog filled with awesome ideas in your area. I don't know this blogger personally, but as a blogger I think she is a genius! Anyway... while I read her tid bit about her experience with Analogue Chic , I kept thinking this was an answer to a prayer. Someone with fashion experience coming in to go through my closets, and helping me figure out what my style is. SOLD. This is going to be my Mother's Day gift people. Analogue Chic doing this type of "What Not To Wear" business in my area=genius times a million. Sweat pants loven at home Mommas all over Fairfield county are going to go bullshit over this!

I am hoping new hair, new body, and a new usable closet will make me feel like a million bucks. I won't think twice about that 24 yr old twit I used to be.

I am starting to crawl out of craptom.... after this rolo (Easter candy can BITE ME).

ps. I also have a face of zits. I am so bringing sexy back.

My Toddler

Potty Talk

I am not one of those crazy Moms that lose sleep over potty training. When every Mom around was potty training there kid, I let Rylan do as he pleased. This just happened to be in his diaper and not on the toilet. It took him longer to decide he was ready, and for me that was a-ok. This is why it took a matter of days when he actually was ready to give up the diapers.

I assumed the same idea with Addison. She has shown interest in sitting on the potty, and had announced since 18 months when she wet her diaper. Some Moms might see this as "it", and go running with it. I saw it as interest, and rode it out.

Earlier this week I was on the phone with a friend that is in the abyss of potty training. I thought of sending her the dvd that Rylan loved, but second guessed myself on what time frame I may be looking at for Addison. I guess it was a safe choice because she is charging right ahead.

We had a playdate yesterday that stirred her thinking a bit more. Her little friend that is turning two this week has tremendous potty interest, and is really ready. I had heard girls are quicker at this then boys, but was still waiting for my child to be like this child, and accepting nothing less then the potty. After we hurrayed for her friends joyous man made gifts in her plastic pot, Addie's interest began to rise. She must have thought it was awesome and cool because she went home and sat her potty.

I thought it would be like any other time. Normally I actually let her sit there with her clothes on. This time was before bath and suddenly we were hurraying HER! She actually peed on the potty! I cried because I am a sissy Mom. I wish I could share the pictures of her proud on the potty, but thanks to slime balls in the world, I must keep them safe at home. She was beaming, and has spent the entire time since that pee, obsessed with her potty.

Just another sad reminder my baby is no longer a baby, but a toddler.

Weekend With Pals

It's finally starting to feel like Spring here, and we couldn't be happier.

Last weekend we spent some time at the park with friends:

We also went to the towns Easter egg hunt which was pretty much a flop with the accumulation of eggs, but the hit was the Easter bunny!:

I love that we have entered into the time of year my kids can enjoy time with friends outside!

He Made Me A Soccer Mom

Uprooting Roots

I always loved the feel of New England. Living where our country was founded, and the old feel to it sort of felt fitting to live in as an American, as eating apple pie. It is where Pete and I grew up. Where our roots lay. No matter where we have traveled too, we always returned here.

I particularly love Connecticut. When I first moved here I loathed the winding roads that didn't have street lights, and the miles and miles of woods. Now going on six years, I actually love this part of it. I love that it isn't over crowded, that it isn't rare to see deer in your back yard, and that it isn't over populated with running highways everywhere. Even though I grew up a Rhode Islander and saw my share of New England beauty, nothing beats Connecticut in the Fall--NOTHING. In our little town we not only have a cute little town center that run American flags all down the main street, we also have an apple orchard. Could this place get anymore New England?

The down fall to this place comes down to two things: taxes and SNOW. Holy white Christmas for months snow! Feet and feet of snow. As for the taxes, they aren't the only thing with high in the sky price tags. We are talking pretty much everything here is over priced in a craptastic economy. What do both of these things have in common? Depression. Being a shut in during the dead of Winter and longing for the sunshine is horrible here. Worrying about finances, trying to get a job, and counting every blessed penny is exhausting and anxiety ridden.

As the sun is shining today and the weather in the mid seventies, I relished in the fact Spring has finally sprung. I filled buckets of water for the kids to play in after school/nap. I opened the windows for fresh air. My smile could not get any bigger. The bonus to that long Winter is when Spring does arrive it is like seeing an old friend you haven't seen in years. Most years this is enough to get me to stop thinking about a move. However, this year, that Winter knocked me over the edge and into "I must leave" motivation. It sort of ended up being like childbirth--you remember the good, bad, and the ugly, regardless of people telling you that you forget "the pain". You never forget the pain.

Our trip to Florida in January confirmed it for me. Our family was in a state of constant smiles. Sure this is common on vacation, but it was deeper then that. The sun fills us up with something four feet of snow can not. We also realized the entire family is happier near the ocean. Pete and I haven't stopped thinking about the polar opposites of Connecticut and Florida in the month of January since that trip.

Now I am also not one for humidity. I equally hate being overly hot as overly cold. I literally get sick when over heated, and I am super cranky when forced outside to long in thigh sticking weather. So when considering a new place to live, the grass is in fact only sometimes greener, and there is no happy medium really. However, to see the sun, I am willing to go to Costco and purchase massive amount of deodorant in bulk, and possibly get sick more often. Hell, I think I might be willing to put ice packs in my bra and call it a day on long humid outings.

The hunt is still on. We are still planning on visiting South Carolina in the upcoming months. I am sure if we actually move down south we will miss snow, and the excitement of the changing seasons. I am sure I won't be filling buckets of water for play in seventy degree's weather since down there it will be considered a "cool" day. It might not make our family happier as a whole. We might not save as much money as we think by moving down there. We will miss the quaint New England town, our roots, and our family & friends. Yet the lasting thought in our minds is we will never know unless we try. Isn't that the lesson in everything we encounter in life?

I have a hard time living life on "tries". It takes bravery, courage, and the willingness to try something new. I have two very dear friends of mine that went from New Englanders to Southerners. They both don't seem to have second guessed their choice at all. I admire their willingness to uproot their families and try something new. I am sure there is some things they miss about being up here, but nothing they can't visit.

We aren't sold either way. I am still looking for potential jobs up here in the North (interview tomorrow! Send good vibes my way), and we are also checking for cheap flights to go and visit our friends in Charleston. Where ever we end up, for whatever reason, we are more mindful after that January vacation, on being in the mindset of the betterment of our nuclear family.

(Plus flip flops all year seems like a good reason to check things out)

In the meantime, the sun is out, my kids are giggling while playing with water, and tonight for dinner is grilled steak! The best part is, there isn't even a speck of snow left on the ground. Gone are the days we thought we would never see our grass again (until next year!).

The Lucky One

Every year I sit in the same seat. I watch them roll the wheelchairs in, and think about the people sitting next to me and the news they might hear today.

This yearly appointment seems pointless. Every year I am told my blood is still wacky, but has been consistently wacky. The hematologist says not to worry about it, and to return in a year. I return to sit in the waiting room longer then the visit, and be told the same thing. I am the lucky one.

Every year I am reminded how this visit isn't pointless. Sure my blood is odd, much like the rest of me. I get it, and the need to follow it. However the real lesson here is in the waiting room.

I was never diagnosed with cancer. When my blood disorder was first noticed I remember them saying it could be my bone marrow, and the worry set in about that overwhelming "C" word. Then it was completely ruled out. I was relieved, yet left with no explanation. Today there is still no explanation for wacky blood counts, but there is one thing for sure, it isn't cancer. Sitting in the Oncology section of the hospital filled with those less fortunate reminds me every single year to date, I am one of the lucky ones.

Since I am there I always worry the doc is going to come in and say there is a chance. Will this time be the time he delivers bad news? It never is. We always end with cheek kisses and a "see you next year"!

I listen to the receptionist tell a lovely and young, couple to "enjoy your day". How do you do this when you have just left the Oncologist office with grim news. They looked sad, and my heart ached for them. Today most people were at work at 2 in the afternoon. Others were having lunch, or maybe on vacation. I was in the waiting room waiting to be seen by the hematologist in the Oncology department witnessing a family leaving with a grim reality. I would leave with the exact opposite.

Why?

I am not sure.

The hematologist and I make small talk. We talk vacations, and kids. He tells me he is afraid to go into the ocean to swim because he doesn't want to come face to face with a shark. I find this funny seeing as he faces the biggest killer in our country daily: Cancer. He tells people they are in "stage 4", he watches people die, and yet home boy is afraid to swim in the beautiful ocean God created with the off chance of 1 in a gazillion that he might face a shark. It struck odd to me.

The receptionist told me to have a good day too. Grateful I was lucky to walk away with the ability to have one. I kept thinking, why was I the lucky one? Something quite opposite as something being pointless. A lesson that even the minor things in life are meant to have a reason.

Switching The Focus

A silent house on a Sunday morning rarely happens around here. When the sun is shining, and the day is young, it must be seized!

Part of me wanted to curl up on the sofa, drink coffee, and enjoy an episode (uninterrupted) of Teen Mom 2 on TIVO, but the other part of me new this would be wasteful. The list of things you can not do while in the presence of small children is a very long list. My freedom "to do", now, on most days, is freedom to do plus two. So I decided to pick two things off that list that I never get done: exercise at home, and waxing the floors (we have all wood floors so to wet all of the rooms at the same time isn't feasible with little feet around). Plus at the end of the day TIVO is always there, but your health and your dirty floors just progress to worse status.

FACT: I love to run to Jay-Z. On a sunny day, with Jay in my ear, and the freedom to be kidless, I am invincible. My mind starts to refocus on something it seems to never have a moment to do: ME. Oh right, there is someone there other then "Mom", "Wife", "Daughter", "Sister", "Teacher", "Friend". There is some chick named "Aimee"--I tend to forget her a lot. I get mixed up with my ever lasting need to be the best at everything, that I forget if I don't take the best care of myself, then everything else is pointless. Days before being married and having kids this concept would be easy to merge into my life. However, when "Mom" & "Wife" enter into the picture, much of "me" time, and focusing on "me" fails. I am 99% sure this happens to most dedicated wives and mothers. It felt good to have a moment, in the fresh air, doing something healthy for me, to think.

I still stand by the post I wrote months ago about feeling comfortable about who I am. I might even venture to say that was my best and most honest post yet to date! However, I also realize other then the outside of the body, there is an inside you have to keep healthy too. Winter was a harsh on me this year. All that snow made me a shut in that longed for sunshine and ate baked goods to cope. I don't feel like I look any different then I did last Summer, nor do I feel different, but the scale doesn't lie.

Fact: Food and I are forever eva BFF'S. I will always be a "foodie". Nothing will ever change that. I am not looking to eat plain chicken breast and some greens in order to have a dramatic unveiling of a size 2 me. I am only willing to be mindful of what is going in my mouth, portion size, and making sure I am active. If this method only shaves off poundage that is unseen to the human eye so be it.

This is what I am thinking about while running to Jay-Z. My truths when it comes to getting in shape. What I am willing to do, and what I am not willing to do. I still want to lick battered spoons with my kids, and devour ice cream on a hot Summer day. I also want to be able to run and jump with them at ease. I want to climb stairs without hyperventilating. I want to live to see my kids grow, and their kids grow. In order to do all of these things I need to be willing to make scarifies while allowing myself to still be who I am. I made a commitment in my head that I plan to stick with. A commitment that ended with a --if I do it, then I will celebrate with a big end of the Summer adults only party. Since on that list of things we never get to do with kids is parties. Every party or BBQ that seems to exist when being a parent goes back to being "family friendly" or a kids birthday bash. I want an old school-no kids aloud gig. One that will probably mean going to bed by 10pm because what parent of small kids can really hang past midnight now a days?

I wrapped up my 2 mile run feeling like an old lady. I knew I would pay for this motivation the next day with a gaggle of aches and pains. I woke up today as predicted. Everything hurts. Tonight Zumba calls, and so does homemade meatballs. A happy medium: willing to ache for meatballs.

The best part of the motivated morning sadly wasn't about clarity and focus, but my clean floors. It was great to have that time without distractions or kid toys running over my wet floors. Now, today, we are back to reality. There are crumbs everywhere, toys everywhere, and .... a cookie jar filled with cookies luring me in. BUT... GOD I want a kid free party!

Focus. Must stay Focused.