Yesterday I snuck out onto the deck to find my sweet boy sitting in a patio chair looking up in the sky and relishing in it. I found it funny since this is often what I would be found doing if someone where to sneak up on me when I am alone and soaking it all in. I just wouldn't have expected it from a kid living his last day on earth as a five year old. Just in a moments time a butterfly landed on his knee. He didn't know I was behind him, nor did he say a thing. He just looked away from the sky to the butterfly admiring it, and being in silence. I would have guessed he would have called out for me to see, but instead it took the moment in for himself. Little did he know I took it in too.
I think about the moment I first held him in my arms and the way my world shifted. I went from selfish to selfless in a matter of minutes. I could not gather in words the amount of emotion that flows over you when you suddenly become a think called Mom. Your only wish suddenly becomes to carry them through life in a way that is safe and happy. Once out of the womb the easy part of the safety is over, and suddenly you are forced into a lifetime of worry.
I worried about him a lot thus far. I worried when he was 3 months and stopped breathing on me and I had to resuscitate him. I worried the amount of vomit that came out of him from birth thanks to a severe case of GERD and allergies. I worried about his consistant ear infections that led to hearing loss for a while. I worried about lack of speech, and milestones. I worried about special ed programs and labels. I worried--I worry... it is my life.
I will always hope to be a better parent while doing my best. Even in the moments I know I can turn scary or ugly--I hope there comes a time I can find myself rise above it. I hope no matter what kind of day we are having that my kid can go to sleep at night feeling loved, and safe. I hope someday they will be able to hold their child in their arms for the first time and know exactly the meaning of this post.
I started this blog with the soul premise of documenting Rylan. Little did I know that years later it would become an all encompassing one that included not only my journey through Motherhood (and two other babies!), but also the steps of my own personal journey.
My eldest turned 6 today. The child that was born blessed to us, and made us the best of who we are: Parents. He is the most loving, old-soul, sensitive, kid I know. He worries about others before him, and takes care of the world around him without being asked to do so. He questions life, he seeks out God, and he relishes in the little things that makes ones journey a special one.
There is only one him in the world, and I am so blessed to have "grown" him, birthed him, and raised him thus far.
Happy Birthday Rylan. Our love for you is endless.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Milestone
Today might have seemed just ordinary to most but to me it was stirring with new beginnings for me. I was having one of those days where my head danced in the clouds thinking about the future and how far we have come.
My beloved first born completed Kindergarten. The same son I wrote about countless amounts of time on here full of worry. In the early stages of birth to three I was not only scared about what might come, but I was wreck about guessing my "skills" as a parent. Was I doing enough for him? Was I enough? I worried about labels he may be called for the rest of his life, and things not working for him. I worried I gave him the "bad gene" of being held back in school and battling learning disabilities as it was an uphill battle for me as a kid. Like any Mother, I just wanted to see him go unscathed.
Kindergarten is a big hug deal now a days. It is no longer coloring a picture of the letter A, it is writing the A, it is A sight words you need to read, and so on and so forth. The memory most of us have as Kindergartners are now what our 3 yr old preschoolers are doing, and even that is more labor intensive. Kindergarten is now the foundation to everything that education stands on. It is where our kids are learning to read, write, and learn the foundations of math. It is also a place for us parents who have a kid in the special education, that they gain a full out diagnosis in order to continue in the program.
I loathed the idea of a diagnosis since the moment birth to three came in and mentioned this day would come. It hung over my Mothering heart like a big weighted paper weight. The number of times I had diagnosed people prior to kids was endless. Never once did I consider what that diagnosis meant to a close family member. The lump it leaves in a throat, and the definition that is suddenly incaptures someone you love.
Lucky for me his diagnosis wasn't anything worrisome, surprising, or any of those "scary" words all Moms worry about hearing. However, let me tell you, after experiencing this journey on my own I will never "label" anyone without careful consideration about all the facts, and the appropriate way to deliver it. I also have gained so much more respect for sitting those of us sitting on the other side of the table from the team of people that make that call. For whatever the diagnosis is, big or small, we are all in the same boat. Worried. Scared. And a Mom.
My son struggled, fought, and worked hard to get where he is today. He still does. So when today came --the last day of Kindergarten-- and he met his first grade teacher, I could see in his face the pure joy he had in himself in his accomplishments. I dug through his bag of stuff and came across a reward he won at school that was for "Most Improved Writing", and I wanted to sit and sob over it. To the school it might just be a piece of paper and a nice way to recognize a kid. To me it is years of work and worry. A moment the school did not let me into to see him receive it. A moment I rallied for the kid since age 2 and missed. I never in my greatest dreams thought I would be omitted from something so vital. Regardless of this never ending fight... he did it. I am so proud of him.
Moving on to first grade wasn't the only life changer today! Today I found out the exact day we will be welcoming our next boy into this world (if all goes as scheduled). How far we have come since baby #1 to baby #3. It is immeasurable. What I know for sure is the worry never goes away, but your skills to be your child's advocate, and point person just get refined.
I will always have my head in the clouds dreaming big for my kids. Since having them, I will always have the same for others children as well.
My beloved first born completed Kindergarten. The same son I wrote about countless amounts of time on here full of worry. In the early stages of birth to three I was not only scared about what might come, but I was wreck about guessing my "skills" as a parent. Was I doing enough for him? Was I enough? I worried about labels he may be called for the rest of his life, and things not working for him. I worried I gave him the "bad gene" of being held back in school and battling learning disabilities as it was an uphill battle for me as a kid. Like any Mother, I just wanted to see him go unscathed.
Kindergarten is a big hug deal now a days. It is no longer coloring a picture of the letter A, it is writing the A, it is A sight words you need to read, and so on and so forth. The memory most of us have as Kindergartners are now what our 3 yr old preschoolers are doing, and even that is more labor intensive. Kindergarten is now the foundation to everything that education stands on. It is where our kids are learning to read, write, and learn the foundations of math. It is also a place for us parents who have a kid in the special education, that they gain a full out diagnosis in order to continue in the program.
I loathed the idea of a diagnosis since the moment birth to three came in and mentioned this day would come. It hung over my Mothering heart like a big weighted paper weight. The number of times I had diagnosed people prior to kids was endless. Never once did I consider what that diagnosis meant to a close family member. The lump it leaves in a throat, and the definition that is suddenly incaptures someone you love.
Lucky for me his diagnosis wasn't anything worrisome, surprising, or any of those "scary" words all Moms worry about hearing. However, let me tell you, after experiencing this journey on my own I will never "label" anyone without careful consideration about all the facts, and the appropriate way to deliver it. I also have gained so much more respect for sitting those of us sitting on the other side of the table from the team of people that make that call. For whatever the diagnosis is, big or small, we are all in the same boat. Worried. Scared. And a Mom.
My son struggled, fought, and worked hard to get where he is today. He still does. So when today came --the last day of Kindergarten-- and he met his first grade teacher, I could see in his face the pure joy he had in himself in his accomplishments. I dug through his bag of stuff and came across a reward he won at school that was for "Most Improved Writing", and I wanted to sit and sob over it. To the school it might just be a piece of paper and a nice way to recognize a kid. To me it is years of work and worry. A moment the school did not let me into to see him receive it. A moment I rallied for the kid since age 2 and missed. I never in my greatest dreams thought I would be omitted from something so vital. Regardless of this never ending fight... he did it. I am so proud of him.
Moving on to first grade wasn't the only life changer today! Today I found out the exact day we will be welcoming our next boy into this world (if all goes as scheduled). How far we have come since baby #1 to baby #3. It is immeasurable. What I know for sure is the worry never goes away, but your skills to be your child's advocate, and point person just get refined.
I will always have my head in the clouds dreaming big for my kids. Since having them, I will always have the same for others children as well.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
3 Years Today=Addison
Three years ago I sat holding the new life that help bring into the world wondering what name fit her. The name we originally planned on just didn't fit her, and so she lived a few hours of her life nameless. Luckily this is not your typical Jane Doe story as she was so well intended and so loved. We just couldn't find the name that fit her.
Finally it came to us. A name that was on our short list but hadn't expected it to jump to the top. I Facebook statused her name with a disclosure that it might change. Even in a moment of naming her we questioned it. Yet someone three years later I couldn't imagine having named her anything else.
The road to her life was a tricky one on my part. Fertility issues were an uphill, lonely, battle that would secretly whisper the "your broken" in the middle of the night. My insecurities convinced me I would only be a Mom to one. Although blessed with one, I so wanted more. Lucky for me in those dark hours my prayers were answered and she was created.
I couldn't have made her better. She still makes me weak. She loves life on her own terms, and isn't one that I will have to worry about needing to be taken care of. Watching her in frilly girl outfits never grows old, and her pigtails define exactly who she is. She is Addison. Today Addison is three.
Three years ago I sat holding her and thinking this would be the last baby I would bring to this earth. Jokes on me--as I sit here 29 weeks pregnant with her baby brother. It is hard to believe my sweet Addison soon will no longer be my baby, but my middle child. My middle child that will always demand to be heard, and valued.
I couldn't love her more. I am so lucky to be her Mom.
Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl! It is hard to believe it has been that long since the first moment we met!
Finally it came to us. A name that was on our short list but hadn't expected it to jump to the top. I Facebook statused her name with a disclosure that it might change. Even in a moment of naming her we questioned it. Yet someone three years later I couldn't imagine having named her anything else.
The road to her life was a tricky one on my part. Fertility issues were an uphill, lonely, battle that would secretly whisper the "your broken" in the middle of the night. My insecurities convinced me I would only be a Mom to one. Although blessed with one, I so wanted more. Lucky for me in those dark hours my prayers were answered and she was created.
I couldn't have made her better. She still makes me weak. She loves life on her own terms, and isn't one that I will have to worry about needing to be taken care of. Watching her in frilly girl outfits never grows old, and her pigtails define exactly who she is. She is Addison. Today Addison is three.
Three years ago I sat holding her and thinking this would be the last baby I would bring to this earth. Jokes on me--as I sit here 29 weeks pregnant with her baby brother. It is hard to believe my sweet Addison soon will no longer be my baby, but my middle child. My middle child that will always demand to be heard, and valued.
I couldn't love her more. I am so lucky to be her Mom.
Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl! It is hard to believe it has been that long since the first moment we met!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Chuck E Cheese Nightmare
It is true. Chuck E Cheese almost did me in today. I am quite convinced that hell looks similar to that place! Imagine being stuck there forever! Total forever inferno.
Rylan loved the fact he got to spend 2 hours feasting on its insanity with his friends. As he is on the threshold of being 6 years old of course he would love nothing more. I was excited that all I had to do was show up, but then once there it felt like 2 hours of adult torture!
Rylan wasn't the only party there and it was chaos! I felt I couldn't leave the table where the gifts and personal items were. After being practically chained to the area, the party was about to come to an end. Phew. I thought--I survived! Until I realized my 2 yr old was roaming the game room without a watchful eye. I should have known better seeing as my husband was busy putting stuff in the car (they pressured us to get out ASAP) and their grandfather was with the birthday boy. So I rushed to her, and she was fine. Lucky for me Chuck E has tight security with their stamps. However--being unleashed from the booth that held the rest of our belongs and 5 minutes past the final hour, I noticed a few employees taking my stuff away to TOSS! I had to then LEAVE Addie alone again (with a don't move a muscle from here look) and RUN my pregnant butt back to the table I had been chained to all day. They barely apologized, and since I had already paid the bill apparently manners did not matter! I had to stand in the corner waiting for my husband to help, carrying a cake and a bunch of goodie bags because they couldn't give me a place to put the stuff. Are you freaken kidding me?
So there is my rant. I am going to complain. I should note this came on the heels of me complaining (pre-bill) to the manager that I called a few days ago with questions and never heard back. His sweet apology included "It is my fault I never checked my voice mail". Stellar Chuck E Cheese stellar.
Needless to say I am relieved to be home. Even more so that the central air is pumping, and bedtime is nearing. Somehow I have visions of a big party rat dancing in my head. Starting tomorrow I am going to be a better person with the intention to never have to return to that place again.
Rylan loved the fact he got to spend 2 hours feasting on its insanity with his friends. As he is on the threshold of being 6 years old of course he would love nothing more. I was excited that all I had to do was show up, but then once there it felt like 2 hours of adult torture!
Rylan wasn't the only party there and it was chaos! I felt I couldn't leave the table where the gifts and personal items were. After being practically chained to the area, the party was about to come to an end. Phew. I thought--I survived! Until I realized my 2 yr old was roaming the game room without a watchful eye. I should have known better seeing as my husband was busy putting stuff in the car (they pressured us to get out ASAP) and their grandfather was with the birthday boy. So I rushed to her, and she was fine. Lucky for me Chuck E has tight security with their stamps. However--being unleashed from the booth that held the rest of our belongs and 5 minutes past the final hour, I noticed a few employees taking my stuff away to TOSS! I had to then LEAVE Addie alone again (with a don't move a muscle from here look) and RUN my pregnant butt back to the table I had been chained to all day. They barely apologized, and since I had already paid the bill apparently manners did not matter! I had to stand in the corner waiting for my husband to help, carrying a cake and a bunch of goodie bags because they couldn't give me a place to put the stuff. Are you freaken kidding me?
So there is my rant. I am going to complain. I should note this came on the heels of me complaining (pre-bill) to the manager that I called a few days ago with questions and never heard back. His sweet apology included "It is my fault I never checked my voice mail". Stellar Chuck E Cheese stellar.
Needless to say I am relieved to be home. Even more so that the central air is pumping, and bedtime is nearing. Somehow I have visions of a big party rat dancing in my head. Starting tomorrow I am going to be a better person with the intention to never have to return to that place again.
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