13,867 To Do In 48 Hours

13,867 things to do before we leave Saturday.

1 bag packed. 5 to go.

A sick kid. A sick Mom.

A house in need of organizing before it is left.

Primping LOTS of primping to get ready for "the shoot" of a lifetime.

Exercise.

Ipod uploading.

Sun block buying.

What are we eating for dinner tomorrow night?

Who do I have to call?

P.S. tell the bus driver Ry won't be in school next week

Get an adjustment. Not attitude but a chiropractic one. (although some may think the other is more feasible)

Comfort crying almost 2 yr old while she hacks up a lung while thinking about the 50 other things to get done today.

Pay for renewing of my certification with the state.

Tweet for paid tweeting.

Clear out shopping cart on Amazon.

Send out kids birthday lists on Amazon.

Go over party list to see who we are still waiting for an RSVP from.

Call Floor guy before exiting to airport.

Oh... and Blog--because this is what I am doing instead of all those 13, 867 things.

If you haven't heard from me in awhile I apologize. I have been a little bit up to the eye balls, and in great need of some beach time.

Endings

So many endings lately.

First the end of the world. Oh wait THAT didn't happen.

Then the ending of Oprah. Which sadly did happen.

And lets not forget the ending of Idol for the season (Go team Scotty).

OH and how about the finale's of Grey's & Private Practice? Yikes.

(Clearly I watch to much tv)

Rylan is on the verge of closing house on being a preschooler.

I am on the verge of closing house on being a full time stay at home Mom.

We continue to be on the verge of peacing out of Connecticut.

Addie is on the verge of becoming a full blown toddler.

Luckily with every ending comes a new chapter in life (or a new tv season!).

Lately I have been feeling really overwhelmed by the week that is coming straight at me. I have battled, questioned, prayed, ran, talked to people, cried and so on and so forth. What do I want this to turn out to be? ...An ending.

After next week my truth will be told. I will never again have to "skirt" around the subject of near death experiences, or shyly say only "um yeah I saw the light". The details I have held in for years will be released. The nagging need to share it will be set free. Honestly. With all that I am, I can tell you that I have always felt this was meant to be shared. I am not sure what form, or how, but I have always felt it was bigger then me. My hope is that it helps someone out there watching, and help those in my life "get me" a little better. I am not anti- religion. I just know God. After this show airs I will never again have to justify this, or uncomfortably try to explain myself without telling the entire story.

I am so over keeping this secret or worrying about judgement. I just want to do right by the man upstairs. In my heart I know it wouldn't stop there. This thought brings a great amount to joy to my heart but what exactly this means I am not sure. All I know is, with this ending, nothing but good is ahead of me.

I think I am finally exactly where I am supposed to be, and about to do what I have always been meant too.

Love It!

I have had this song playing in my head for what seems like weeks now. I couldn't figure out who sang it or what exactly the lyrics meant, but it spoke to me.

Luckily I found it on itunes today, and now an official addict. It makes me want to jump around, and feel so exuberantly hopeful about life. Tell me what you think:

Lights Go Down

So the world is still here. Sure you are all surprised about that. I guess this gives me PLENTY of time to prepare my Apocalypse party, tell people off, eat great food, and comb this earth for a chance to meet Oprah.

Ah Oprah. Don't even get me started or my flood gates are going to open and I will be a HOT virtual mess. I am literally sick over the fact she is breaking up with me this week. Seriously, and you may think I am totally deranged saying this, am dreading Wednesday arrival just because of this. I was supposed to go out and treat myself to a mani/pedi during the time her last show airs and I realized today I just can't do that. I need to watch it LIVE or I will be weeping in the nail salon. I wish I was Oprah's long lost sister just so I hear her say "When you know better you do better", and some of her other inspiring words on a near daily basis.

A little tid bit you might have never known about me. Oprah was the reason I figured out what my experience was when I was eight years old. I didn't have words for it, just memories. Vivid memories I held on for dear life in my head and heart with fear nobody would believe me, or would think I was insane. Then I watched her show in the early 90's that featured Betty Eddie who wrote Embraced By The Light. The more I watched, the more in awe I was with a feeling that lifted me of the tremendous weight I had carried thus far, that I was NOT alone. That I had encountered the very words she had used. I had a near death experience. I ran out and bought this book, and it forever changed my life. This is just the tip of the iceberg of things Oprah gave me through her show that changed my life, but this one spoke so personal, I felt as if it was made for me.

Today I went into Sephora in hopes to buy some "tv make-up". I figured my $12.99 cover-up I normally use wouldn't cut it. I was perusing the Bobby Brown collection when I finally asked for her. She directed me to an "expert". Sarah was delightful. When discussing why I was going to be on tv I suddenly became so incredibly shy. She kept asking questions and I kept think this person doesn't even know me, she MUST think I am out of my mind. Then I realize the millions of people that will have access to my tv debut that will have all the gory details. I tried hard to tell her what I could, but it was SO hard. When you keep something inside for so long because you worry of how others will perceive you, it sort of feels like you are jumping out of a plane. I am panicked thinking about it while I type this. Anyway, sweet Sarah hooked me with the most AMAZING MAKE-UP I think I am sold for life on. She also told me I didn't need to buy concealer (which I thought I needed and was about to buy for an extra $25). So happy she was so honest with me and didn't sell me stuff I didn't need. I walked away with an awesome, flawless face, and a small bag that had new foundation and a big brush (Did you know you are supposed to put foundation on with a big bushy brush so it looks airbrushed?). It was the first time in a long ass time, I can say I walked away feeling amazing.

I have been having another "get me out of the hole" funk lately. I have no motivation to do anything healthy--like AT ALL. I just want to eat. I actually told myself the other day I didn't care how fat I got because eating is worth it--exercising is not. I am feeling like crap. I am in more of a pissy mood then a happy one lately. Partly because I know I am anxious about the shoot next week, and the amount of pressure I am putting on myself to make God proud. I mean how horrible would it be if I sell him out, or disappoint him with the way I tell my story. LOTS OF PRESSURE. Another part is watching 25 years of my life come to an end with Oprah. Sounds so stinking trivial, but it means a great deal to me. I don't like endings. Thankfully the world is still standing and I still have time to make many more beginnings. Plenty of time to jump back on the healthy trail, and plenty of time to feel amazing while doing amazing things.

This week I watch the lights go down on Oprah. Next week I see them shine on me.

God help me.

God willing.

In God's grace.

A Theme Song For The Occasion

I wish I could take credit for this, but a fellow blogger & FB friend posted it and I thought it was BRILLIANT!

The Rapture Is Messing Up My Plans

So supposedly the world is ending tomorrow and I am so not ready.

1. I haven't eaten all of my favorite things (this is so typical of a foodie for putting this as #1).

2. Told off the people that have been mean or rude to me that I should REALLY put in their place (it is good to go to heaven without pent up pissdom)

3. I haven't met Oprah

4. I haven't met Oprah (clearly this is mighty important).

5. I need to do more sinning (devil on shoulder)

6. I need to do more loving (angel on shoulder)

7. I can't go back "Home" wearing this size jean... I need time to diet before dying!

8. I can't possibly think about the "last doomsday" outfit to wear in 24 hours time

9. Supposedly if you believe in Gay Marriage you will be stuck in the Apocalypse here on earth for the next sixth months while the rest go to "heaven". I need to make plans for the next 6 months then! Pete and I need to get all of our friends "stuck" here and have a big sinner party with endless Indigo Girl concerts!!!! This takes time to formulate--not 24 hours.

10. For one day I would like the freedom to inappropriately say what is on my mind in public --Someone cuts me off I line and I say WHATEVER I am thinking, or those freaken cyclist in the middle of the road all the time--how I would LOVE to give them a piece of my mind!

11. I would have played all of our money at the casino last weekend in hopes to win big and do crazy ass things like buy a Birken Bag, fly to Fiji first class in a weeks time.

12. 6pm I will be at the church carnival in town... something to do with church during the Rapture should make the transition a little easier no? What shall I pack with me? Clean underwear? Gallon of Water? Tylenol? Hemorrhoid cream? Not sure. All I do know is that my kids will be laughing and happy to be on the carnival rides, and if we gotta go --then at least we will all be smiling.

I am just picturing those crazy freak people in the subway stations with "Doomsday" sign's spewing their gospel about how we are all going to die in a hellish way, having a GIANT meeting today. They are probably having a lobster and champagne reception somewhere, toasting each other because they get to go to heaven tomorrow. While the rest of us have less glorious plans apparently.

I am sleeping with one eye open tonight. May I extend my virtual hand and say "peace be with you" my friends.

A Squashed Bird Loser Dinosaur

Just when I thought my luck was on HIGH, it went oh so low.

First we went to the local casino this weekend and lost everything but our underwear. This may not surprise the average person who doesn't know the fact about team Dos Santos. The fact is team Dos Santos NEVER LOSES. NEVER. For the billions of times we have been to casinos --Las Vegas, Florida, Aruba, here... we always at least break even, and more often then not, walk away with more then what we came with. I guess there is a first for everything, and thanks to that f'n purple dinosaur, my luck had been messed with. Luckily the night ended with Seinfeld who was worth every single shiny penny he costs to see live. If you haven't seen him, and you like to laugh, you have to put it on your "to do" list.

Today we were back in the swing of the things, in our ol' tiresome hum drum of the work week. The only difference was I had to go to the radio station I won the Barney tickets from and collect my winnings. It was rainy, and a crappy day to drag the kids around the city with little parking. I did it, and I got my winnings--well---I THOUGHT I did.

The radio station told me to call the venue at a nearby campus that is holding the event tomorrow night, and tell them which show I plan to attend. I do this, and the women puts me on hold for what feels like a million minutes. Suddenly she gets back on and says "just come. They will let you". "With no real tickets?" I ask. She said "if it makes you feel better, bring the vouchers into the box office and you can get "real" tickets". I was irritated that the radio station hadn't already acquired the "real" tickets, but I talked myself down off the ledge reminding myself this was FREE and for my kids.

So this afternoon we stood in the rain infront of the venue that was tightly locked. I dared to take the kids out in crap weather yet again, and here we were shut out. As I wondered what to do next something catches my eye on the ground. It was a deceased baby bird. I never saw one with so much detail. I looked close as Addie says "yuck" and squashes her foot ontop of it. Baby bird guts burst out and I feel like swearing. Rylan asks me what it is on the ground and tries to touch it. Here I am in the rain, with no people in sight, giving a lesson on dead birds falling out of nests and going to heaven. Not quite the day I had in mind.

The genius in me realizes I have the number to the box office on my phone. I call and ask for their location. The kind man says "Oh you are right around the corner from the student center where we are located". I pack the kids up in the car yet again on the quest for these freaken Barney tickets that are going to be the soul reason I have a break down.

I get lost (shocker). I find my way to the building and find no parking (double shocker). I park way out in eastnowhereIamsupposedtobe, and drag the kids out in the rain. We walk what feels like miles. College kids wiz by us wondering what two little kids and a frazzled Mom are doing on campus dazed and confused in the rain. I get in the building and look around.

"Box Office" reads a SHUT door. A college kid has mercy on me and asks if I need help. I ask him where the Box Office is and he points to the gated closed door. "Right here but it's closed". I want to swear LOUDLY, and tell the purple dinosaur where he can find his God damn tickets. However I focus on being a put together Mother, and curse under my breath. Back out to the cold rain, trecking back to eastnowhereIamsupposedtobe, and Rylan starts to cry. The golden egg out of this entire nightmare was the promise of leaving with REAL tickets. I feel like crying too.

I want to hunt down the "friendly man" on the phone that told me to "come on over and get the tickets at the student center". Why the hell couldn't he tell me he was closing house in 5 minutes!!!!! Why the hell couldn't 98Q taken care of this to begin with? What happened to the good ol' days when you won something and it came in the mail and you had to go NO WHERE to retrieve it? I thought maybe it had to do with matching an ID to the winner name--NOPE they didn't even check my ID. Any Joe Shmoe from Facebook that saw my name could have walked in and said they had won it!

At the end of the day all that is vivid on my mind is Addison squashing that dead bird. It was that kind of day.

Tomorrow we have to get to the show early to retrieve "real" tickets. You know, because little kids do AWESOME with early. They will sit like perfect angels, and not complain at all.

Hold me.

WINNER WINNER Barney & Dinner

It is rare I ever win anything. Ok... I am fairly a good winner when it comes to the casino, but when it comes to contests I am always a loser! Except for this month when I won 20% off a closet/style make over thanks to 365 Danbury blog.

Just when I thought my winning streak was over for the year, I saw that tickets for that big purple guy that kids love, were being scooped up by our area radio station. I went to the local party store to fill out an entry and drop more money on the kids Safari theme party then I should have. I walked away feeling like that wasn't enough.

I heard on the radio they were also giving them away through there facebook page. I am already "friends" with them, and decided while home today I would stalk the sight. Well low and behold.... don't be jealous.... I won the chance to see the one and only --a 4 pack of tickets!!!!

You would have thought I won the lottery with the way I was jumping up and down! Listen I am not a huge fan of the purple guy but my kids are. They will LOVE this, and it will be FREE! Sometimes you have to enjoy the "I love you--you love me" song, simply for the love of your children. PLUS---I AM A WINNER!!!!!!

Owning My Truth

It's so easy to knock yourself down, be your own worst critic, and question if you are the person you have always intended to be. Human nature is created to make faults, but for a perfectionist, a worrier, a person that constantly reevaluates, failure never seems like an option, yet inevitable. I am always second guessing, wondering if I made the right choice, said the right things, or living with real purpose, as I believe we all should.

As the days move closer to the end of the month of May, I am worried about my tv debut. Sharing such a vulnerable story of mine that I have barely revealed in detail my entire life, I can not help but worry about judgement. Will people think I am lying, or crazy? Will they think I am going to start hanging up celestial signs in my home and own a crystal ball? While carrying this worry, I also think about being authentic. My memory has evolved over the years and I am over thinking all that I want to say on camera. I want it to be authentic, my truth, while not offending others and doing justice to other survivors of near death experiences.

At the end of the day the critics can't be as harsh as I am to myself. The bar is set high by no one other then me. The glory comes after the fact when I can free myself of holding such a huge life event, and hopefully help others who have lost love ones and worry about their passing.

I was blessed with this experience. I know in every cell of my body that I am meant to share it. I have been to a place all humans wonder about. I have a first hand experience on what experiencing death is like, and spiritually I am not only forever changed, but hope to forever inspire and change others. To do this I must do it perfectly, purposely, and with a great amount of passion. To do this I am trying to give myself some breathing room, to accept the fact I might not win everyone in my life over with this, and to focus on the most important thing and that is ... this story is who I am. It makes me the friend, the mother, the wife, sister, daughter, student, thinker, dreamer, blogger, who I am.

Ode To Motherhood

I used to own a small set of draws made out of cardboard that became home to all of my doll clothes. I specifically loved my Cabbage Patch Kids, and my handy sewing Grandmother would whip up cute outfits from nightgowns to dresses for them. I brought them everywhere with me, and I even remember a time I wanted my favorite "kid" to be part of the dinner table. My Dad had turned down this idea and I wrinkled my nose asking, "How is Eric going to eat Dad?". He answered "by osmosis". The table roared with laughter, and I was just confused on what that meant, and pissed my doll couldn't get a proper meal. Motherhood to dolls was hard with parents around.

I was made for this.

From the moment I was born, til the day I was 29 years old and giving birth, I had dreamed of being a Mom. I practiced relentlessly on not only dolls but on people. I was an avid babysitter as a teen, and a nanny as a young adult. I learned encyclopedia's worth of information from other Moms that were entrusting me to take care of their kids. I learned how Moms need to take time for themselves, often sacrifice things they worked hard for (from careers to freedom), and one thing I am personally failing at now... how to look presentable although neck deep in poo all day (NYC Moms did this particular one best!). I stored every ounce of knowledge these amazing ladies could give me.

The day Rylan came into the world and made me a Mom, all of my experiences helped but could not prepare me for what this word meant. I always thought I knew what love was, and that I would willingly sacrifice myself for another. Really I had no clue until I held that baby in my arms. When you are expecting your first child you have no idea the depth's of this love, and how your life is about change. Your life suddenly is full of unconditional love, and worry. You want to give all of you to them, and while you do, you struggle to find a sense of the old you. The truth is who you are before babies isn't the same you after babies.

All I ever dreamed of was being a Mom. A gift only God could grant. I am so blessed to look at Rylan and Addison and think about how they grew inside of me, how they will always be a part of me, and how they have exceeded every dream I ever dreamed about Motherhood.

I was made for this, even on my worst days, especially on my best. It is by far the only thing I wanted to do in life, and thanks be to God, I have.

Now I have sets of draws made of wood that house clothing that belong to the most important people in the world to me.... my kids. Mommy loves you.

ps. I took such great care of my favorite doll "Eric" that he continues to be loved and played with by Addison. I think I deserve an A+ on doll care!

Margaritaville

It's true I purchased a very large margarita last night. If you know me, you know this doesn't happen often, especially on week days! However I was husband free for most of this week, and it was Cinco De Mayo, and for both reasons (especially the first), I think I deserved it. I sipped that Mango love all the way down to its last drop:

Can I just say in honor of Mothers Day coming up, that behind every great Mom is often a great Dad. Man did I marry the right guy. You know how us Moms always say to our husbands if only you had the kids for a few days all by yourself YOU would understand how hard my job is? Well, having my husband away this week made me realize how much he does after his long days working and commuting. Picking up the slack while he was gone almost tossed me over the edge of insanity. I seriously felt as if I had a newborn again. I walked around in zombie-survival mode. Thank GOD I had the ability as an at home Mom to wear pj's all day if I wanted. Thankfully survival mode ended early, with an earlier arrival of Dad on Cinco De Mayo, and a reason to celebrate (and to get out of my Pj's). Now I can sleep better, and not worry about doing all the baths, laundry, and dishes--yes ladies my husband helps out with all of that! How lucky am I? Wicked freaken lucky--especially when considering going back to the workforce.

Come September I think our lives will be changing a bit. I officially need, and want, to return to the work force. I miss the career hat. As much as I will miss being home with my kids, having flexibility, and living on my own schedule, I think a little more predictability will be good for all of us. The question is will there be jobs! If not the plan is to sub more, while continuing to find an opening locally. If the Bronx was just a wee bit closer, I would beg for my old job back. However, there has to be a happy medium between teaching, and parenting. They are both extremely HARD jobs, that take an exuberant amount of extra time then the average 9-5, and adding a huge commute onto that just isn't practical. I tossed over the idea of going back to my Social Work roots since it had more regular hours, and fulfilled my passion to help others, but nothing seems to compare with my love for teaching.

It's a lot to think about, a lot to plan, and a lot of change on the horizon. This means there mostly likely be a lot more margaritas as well as living in survival mode for a bit. Thankfully, I was blessed with an awesome man--together we always make it work.

It's A BOY!

So it has been confirmed: My sister has a penis. Ok not exactly, the baby she is carrying does. And I couldn't be happier! In honor of this occasion I thought I would write a post to my nephew (who will be born in September) with some advice from his fav auntie!

Dear Baby Carlos (named after the earth shattering, historical film The Hangover--in which you will watch when you are a teenager and probably wonder who the hell is Mike Tyson),

Auntie wants the very best for you, and so I thought I would share with you some key things I think you will need to know for surviving this world as a BOY!

• I know it isn't fair you got squeezed and pushed out of your home and into this mean cold world all naked and wanting a breast. Then to top it off you have to get your boy delicates sliced and diced. The good news is you will never have to be a pregnant Mom squeezing and pushing a baby out. Therefore, at the end of the day, a little circumcising isn't so bad. And... well... you will always want breast (hey they say it's best!)
• Never ever bring home a snake. Your Mom will seriously be sent to the mental institution. If you are anything like your cousin Ry, you will adore them. Just realize your Momma will only allow rubber ones, because she hates them more then anyone could ever hate those slithering things. Ask her about the BIG one that used to be in her garden! She might start rocking back and forth, and saying "not the snake not the snake", but it is still a good story!
• Ladies love compliments ("you smell like feet" isn't one of them), they don't find farting noises to be AWESOME, and when all else fails flowers work (as well as wine post 21 years old of course).
• When going potty make sure to hold it down so that it goes INTO the toilet. This is important--very important.
• Don't scratch in public. If you need more details ask Mom.
• If Mom, or any women, asks if something she is wearing makes her look fat just smile and say "no you look beautiful as always".
• Uncle Pete's favorite advice is: Bros before Hoes
• Lastly, If you need anymore advice listen to Jay-Z especially "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one". DO NOT get advice from Chris Brown!

I love you stinky feet, (fart noise) (fart noise).

ps. Boys rule and girls drool.

pps. BUT us girls have BOOBS!

Truth Be Told

I have a long list of things in my life I have done that I am over the top proud of. Things that if I died today I would want to be remembered by, and I could go on knowing I did what was meant. My life has been full of great moments that define who I am.

Often people apologize to me when they hear I was hit by a car at such a young age. They think of it as a traumatic event, when in all actuality, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. From that moment on, I had such clarity about what happens when we die, what spirituality meant, that life had meaning and reasons, and that this "trauma" happened me not by accident, but quite purposefully. I always knew that although many, many people out there would not believe a word I said, that I was meant to share it. Most of my life since I was 8 consisted of this. I mention this experience, person I am speaking with looks at me like I am crazy, and I walk away holding my truth inside.

I was never clear on what I needed to do with this information. How it could help people, or how I could not look like a crazy "knock on your door and preach it" type of person. I just knew that it needed to be shared. Today I got a phone call to that answer.

You might recall a few months back I wrote about the show I Survived Beyond and Back , and how I found such comfort in it. To me it was like my own support group of people that had experienced what I had. People that would not look at me like I was crazy. People that knew how it felt to walk in a world that doesn't get you because the general public hasn't had a near death experience. On night I was so moved by this show that I wrote to them. I told them my story and the back and forth contact went on.

There are a lot of unknowns to my store. Unknowns I wish I could fill for the betterment of my understanding of why it happened, but sadly most who were involved don't feel like talking. The EMT that was first on the scene has been found, but it doesn't seem as if he is interested in speaking with me. My medical records are in the process of being retrieved. All while I had a screen test vis Skype with a producer of the show, and telling details of my beloved truth that I have held within me for years. A truth I knew was meant to be told.

Today I got the call. I am flying to DC to be on the show! So many emotions have filled my soul today. A major one being "THEY BELIEVE ME. THEY DON'T THINK I AM CRAZY". This is huge when you have walked your entire life thinking people are second guessing you. So much that you second guess yourself, while knowing in every cell of you, that you know what is true.

And so at the end of this month, in the middle of our vacation in Florida, Pete and I will be flying to DC for what promises to be an epic moment for me. A moment I have waited a lifetime for. Finally I get to speak, and hopefully someone on the other end of the tv will be listening. Hopefully that someone will be comforted by it, or will feel supported in their own experience.

God is wondrous. I never doubt his ability to open doors, to make this happen, to lead me where I am supposed to go.

The truth always be told.

Let Freedom Ring

Finally some justice for a day that is etched into my head more then any other I have lived. A day that took away our comfort, our sense of security, our city, and thousands of lives...but couldn't take away our pride.

So proud to be an American. So proud of our troops. So happy the city I love and adore can sleep tonight.