WIlly Nilly List

Wow, no post in a almost a week is crazy to me! A few factors are it is the holiday season, we have traveled over this time, and well... my words between yawns (thanks to exhaustion from busy kids and to do lists) seem mundane and unworthy of blog love. Especially when I write deep, profound things like this, that I received more mail that I have ever had, and really hit home to my own heart. I am not about to top that, nor write anything heavy looming on my mind, I am lucky to have two eyes open at this point. So I bring to you my willy nilly list of things to say in regards to the past week:

• Traveling with kids just stinks sometimes. Although we haven't been to Rhode Island in quite some time, and it was great to reconnect with family, ...man.... my kids are still trying to adjust. It wasn't the ride there and home (both slept a great deal of it), it was more of the not sleeping in their own beds, and off schedules. Normally this wouldn't bother me so much, except now Addison is waking up at 4:30 thinking it is time to party (except of course, today when I had to work and couldn't sleep in --SHE slept in until 7:30!), and Rylan has been off of his rocker--so much so I got a phone call from school yesterday after his first day back to school from the holiday. A phone call home from school is never a good thing. It always means A. someone is sick or B. they sprouted horns that day and the teacher had her patience tried so badly she had to call Mom! So yeah.... it's been a long, long "Thanksgiving break".
• I have no regrets not attending my high school reunion. In fact, oddly enough, there wasn't an ounce of me that felt I made the wrong choice while sitting at a cocktail party that night. Time is precious, and I have Facebook. For those I want to use my time on outside of a Facebook reunion, I will do it.
• Substituting has lit my career heart up. However, it still has not equaled my Mom one. I am perfectly happy working a day a week. I absolutely love to wear the teaching hat, but have been feeling more blessed then ever that I also get to stay home with my kids when I want to. It has been a perfect fit, and oddly enough, I could see myself doing this for a long time.
• Like many, our tree was cut down this past weekend, and our house is rocken out in Christmas decor. Now, all we need is our first snow.... and then hopefully it will be our last for the season. No seriously... I am really not a snow person. I like it the first time, and then I am good for the season.
• My son is drinking chocolate milk! I know, totally mundane, but hey it is HUGE to me. That boy has had a cup of milk since he was 1! He is also (while I type this) eating pasta and meatballs without complaints, and I keep waiting for him to tell me he wants something different. Is there a chance Mr picky eater is changing?
• I am so sick of Christmas shopping! Mainly because I have been doing it since October. I am so close to being finished I can taste it's glory, yet can't find it in me to actually do it. I am now focused on Christmas cards --which by the way peeps--anyone with a Costco membership--HOLY DEAL BATMAN. 125 cards for $33 with 7 FREE calendars (and they are the cheapo cards!) I am in heaven!
• All I want is pumpkin pie. I didn't eat enough pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving, and since it is my favorite part of the Fall and we are entering Winter, tomorrow is make pumpkin pie day!
• I told you. Nothing earth shattering, and certainly not a post people will be writing to thank me for writing! :-)

I will try something profound soon. AND a post with pictures!

Ringing In Holiday Tradition

Every year we have made it our tradition to kick off the holiday with attending the awesome Macy's pre-parade. This year was Addison's first year, and although she enjoyed parts of it, she liked her snack in her stroller and the bands the best. Rylan liked the Scooby Doo balloon the best. We enjoyed it, as always, with good friends.

Addie chillen with her snack
Super Grover
She likes it
What is that?
"Mel-moooo" She says
Waiting patiently for the next balloon to arrive
Thankfully it was one he enjoyed
HURRAYYYYYY for Scooby
Rylan's pic for "best"
The Girls
The Boys

Being Thankful

I love when I open Rylan's book bag to find a handmade goodie that expresses so much love. He made us a card with a hand print turkey that had a message inside that read: "Dear Mom and Dad, Thank you for buying me cookies and playing with me and my trucks. Love, Rylan". Earlier that day I indeed purchased Christmas cookies that at first I didn't want to purchase thanks to the price. After Rylan begged and pleaded with a "but they are my favorite in the whole world". I sucked up the $6 for the small assortment. Little did I know, he'd be thinking about those cookies later in the day being thankful I bought them. I giggled when I first read this, and then I realized, a child's mind really has gratitude for the small things in life. This is a hard concept for us adults. We aren't thankful for cookies because we feel we deserve the cookies, that the cookies aren't a blessing, they are a necessity. Rylan, although there is part of him that feels deserving (hello age 4), is thankful for the cookies.

When thinking about blessing and what to be thankful for this year the list could go on for eternity. Isn't every day a blessing? Even the bad ones we learn from. Isn't it a blessing even when your kid wakes up at 4 am ready for the day? Because your kid is alive, healthy, and yours. Isn't the ability to buy cookies when we want them a blessing? Way to many people on this earth do not have this luxury. The fact is, there is always a blessing, even if it is disguise, in everything that we do and who we are. Sure there are times you have to dig deep, and it could possibly take years to find, but where there is God there is always a silver lining. Always.

This year I am thankful for God. All that he is, all that he is given me, and all that he plans to bless with me in the future. I am thankful he gave me the moment I always dreamed of with Sylvia Browne, and that my spiritual path is my own and unique.

I am thankful for my kids. I have met, and/or read about, way to many people that have either have lost a child, or can not conceive one. This seems to be a blessing we all forget on the dreaded days our kids are haywire, or when the newborn is up all night long. We forget when we are 7 months pregnant and feeling like complete crap, that there are women in this world that would literally die to be in our place. We forget that bad things, very bad things, happen even to the greatest of Moms. Moms that had dreams for their kids, and anticipated watching their child grow into an adult, just like us. Moms that instead, had to bury their kids way to early, way before even seeing a sign of adulthood. Moms that are bloggers just like me, and are deserving of all the good in Motherhood, but now is left minus the 4 am wake up blessing of their beautiful little girl.

I am thankful for loving family and friends. People that love me no matter what type of day I am having, what my pants size is, or how many pimples I might have on my face that day. People that can make me laugh to tears, and who have the ability to bring me from tears to laughing. People who have supported me no matter what I wanted to do in life. I am beyond blessed.

I am thankful for the ability to be able to put food on the table. For husband who works hard to do this, and for the economy not to have swallowed us whole. I am thankful we can put gifts under the tree this year, that we can travel, and that $6 cookies won't break us. Even though we all have our financial struggles with a bad economy, and in my case, a parent at home, there are still so many people out there that don't have what we do.

And lastly... I am thankful for .... cookies. And pie. And NYC doughnuts! Without the small joys in life what is left?

And this list goes on...from here to eternity!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am lucky to have have this blog, loyal readers, and the freedom to write exactly what I want when I want to. God Bless!

Souls Don't Come In Sizes

My favorite NYC dress consisted of a pale pink satin dress from French Connection that fit like a sexy nighty and was a size 0. I felt beautiful in it, and felt as if I could take on the world. Looking back I realize it was less about my size and more about the dress. Size does not matter when you find something that fits you the right way and compliments what you want to compliment. It just so happens that at a size 0-2, pre-baby, and a city girl that walked miles of miles day by day, I always felt good in clothes because rarely did I ever feel like something didn't "fit right" or "look right".

Ahh the good ol days. When I could purchase clothes online, or off the rack, and never ever enter a fitting room of any kind. When I didn't worry about muffin toppers, or scales, or calories, and I just thought fat people were fat because they made themselves that way. I never even considered metabolisms or body after babies. I was ignorant since I had been a skinny girl all of my life and had NOT A CLUE about the struggle us "fat" girls have. I am willing to bet you skinny girls for life that never ever had to battle weight, will never get what it is all about.

Imagine the shock when I dropped a baby out of my body and was a shocking size 14. Pre-baby I was about an 8/10 since I moved to the suburbs and stopped walking the miles of city. Driving really changes the art of exercising when you don't realize you are exercising (the supreme bonus to city living). I also got married and got comfortable. I was also aging which meant that metabolism that always gave me the benefit of the doubt decided to doubt me.

14 was shocking to a skinny girl. Especially to a skinny girl for life that was also battling Postpartum Depression. It easily would set me off, and made me embarrassed to face the world. What would people that have known me all my life as the skinny girl think? They would laugh behind my back about how hilarious it is to see Aimee fat now, and how I "let myself go". My family would rejoice in "I always hoped this day would happen", while not realizing I had lost all of who I knew was me. Traumatic to me, seemed oddly victorious to the rest of the world.

The truth is I "let my self go" the moment I was born. I never lived life to worry about what went in my mouth or how much activity I was getting. I never had too. My size 0/2 was not a mere gift of self control, but one of genetics. So truthfully, honestly, I never had to care until I was 29 years old with in infant in my arms crying about my size 14. My only gym experience up until then was when I signed up at the 92nd Y in NYC to use their hot tub, and their pool in the Summer time. I never once, ever, had to consider a diet, nor consider portion size, or monitor ice cream intake. I got a friggen F in self control throughout Elementary School, and people.... some things never change.

I have no self control in some cases, even at 33 years of age. None with food. None with exercise. Why? because I lived most of my life (29 years to be exact) not having too. To teach yourself this so much later on isn't easy. I continue to find myself back in this spot wondering is it worth it? Is living life to it's fullest mean changing everything you ever were or knew because your body reshaped? Should happiness, sense of self-worth be suddenly completely embodied into a pants size?And most importantly, was I in fact happier a size 2 then a size 14/16?

No.

I didn't have two kids that reflected all the goodness in the world, and my soul. I didn't have a family to enjoy ice cream cones with, or make cup cakes and lick battered spoons. I no longer had the time to join a gym to lounge in a hot tub, and I barely have time to worry about if I did enough exercise today to count for this bowl of ice cream I am devouring after a long and hectic day of Motherhood. Nor do I think I should have to, because people, that isn't LIVING your authentic self.

My authentic self right now happens to be a size 14/16 and my peeps, I couldn't be happier. I have great friends, great family, my health, and blessed with so many blessings that can't be counted in comparison to calories.

I refuse to apologize for my age, or that fact this body has given two people life. I won't excuse myself from the luxury of dessert, or the taste of a good juicy hamburger. What I am willing to do is embrace my fluctuating sizes. I want to feel good about me in a size 10 or a 16 (because lets face it, I am never seeing my size 2 days again). I want to run miles when I am in the mood too, eat healthy food when I feel like it, give myself the gift of doing for me (which means my Zumba class once a week), all while letting go of the frantic need to be smaller. The frantic need to be my old body, my old self, that somehow I think people liked better. Realistically, though, people that can't stand me now, wouldn't have liked me then. My body is a vessel that is ever changing. However, (this is important) who I am, the soul that lingers, is, and has always been, just me.

Just me doesn't come with a size.

and p.s God made me that way.

What's Up With The Kids You Say?

I haven't done this in an embarrassingly long time! Here is one of those boring updates on the kids:

Addison

"Hi" she says exuberantly,"Where's the baby?". These are the words most, if not all, of my days begin with when I open Addison's door. She does not stop from that moment, until the moment she hits the hay for the day. The girl can seriously talk a dog off a meat truck, even if it is in baby babble 99% of the time.

She is 17 months, and she amazes me. She can say: Dog, Cat, Where's the kitty?, eye (one of her favorites while poking you in the eye), wa-wa (for water), Quack (for duck--in particular Donald Duck), Baa (which doesn't only mean a sheep in her book--apparently horses say it too!), Papa, Grandma, Ry Ry and Rylan, Momma, Dada, Daisy (my inlaws Dog), mmmmm (means "I want to eat), Minnie, Shoe Shoe, mwah (for kisses), hug, Roar (lion or tiger), Nanna (for bannana), Anta (for Santa), ut-oh, ball, applesauce, and probably a ton of things that just aren't coming to mind. It is insane. I have never heard a 17 month old talk so much, and/or scream (she has a very high pitched screech of a scream when she wants something or is upset and can't express herself. It is deafening and hard to divert). She has also learned how to use a straw, undue and take off her shoes, put things on and off her head and around her neck (this one scares me a little), uses a spoon, colors with a crayon, climbs, and has the amazing ability of operating the DVD/VHS player (can you hear me groan?).

She (as you saw in my last post) is madly attached me like no other. She loves to eat. Gets horribly scared and concerned when her big brother cries, and gives kisses dead on the lips. She loves to play buses, trains, cars, and planes appropriately (sounds and all). If it were up to her though, she would spend all of her day outside. She fights me every time I go to put her in the car because she just wants to run around (even if it is bone cold out). She could also spend the day pushing a stroller, feeding a baby doll, and watching Barney or Yo Gabba Gabba. Books and music are her two best friends, and she still can not waver the love for her beloved lovies and paci's.

My little baby is turning into such a true toddler. Time has once again slipped so quickly away.

Rylan

I have in my head that you should always start with the good, so I will. Even though the "not" seems so much more ever so present and pressing.

He loves to help others. He is deeply sensitive and mushy. The other day he said to me after I came back from Zumba, "Mommy you are back? How was your dance class sweetie?" and approached me with a hug and a kiss. He warms my heart with the amount of over runneth love he is willing to give and show in a moment.

Rylan isn't afraid to tell anyone what he wants or likes. He is a straight shooter of the mouth, which often gets him in a bit of trouble. He also loves to impress people and make them proud of him (just not particularly his parents :-) ).

His imagination has grown tremendously. The way he is playing seems so intense, and always has a story line or theme. This imagination has also cost him the ability to sleep alone. He can not stay in his room alone even with a night light. Even after we sneak out of his room, he awakes in the middle of the night to retrieve a sleeping partner, as his fear seems to overcome him.

Since he sees his sister get baby love often, he regressed to enjoyed being held like a baby, and getting similar love. He isn't jealous of her really, but sees her more like she is his age, and doesn't get she is still a baby in a lot of ways.

He still loves space and planes. He just started a fine love for trains. He is a mad crazy lover of books, and I have been told, it is his first choice at preschool. His new favorite sayings are: "______ is my favorite thing in the whole entire world", "What's the big idea?", "Awesome", and "That is a great idea!". He loves little boy fart and poop humor.He eats about 4 things for any given meal. Can watch Scooby Doo and Toy Story 3 for hours on end, and likes to think he is the boss of the universe (which of course leads us to the negative).

4. Age 4 really stinks.

We are at constant power struggles. He loses his temper easy (gee I don't know ANYONE like that--ooops). His favorite thing to do is get the last word, talk back, and to do anything, and everything to try to get his way (again--could be a family trait).

It has been hard, but his good heart out weighs so much of the trying times.

I Just Want To Wash It In Peace

I dream of a day when I can shower with the door closed in silence. Just a shower, without someone yelling "Mommy", or opening the shower curtain trying to pull me out. All Mommy wants to do is wash her darn hair, and instead I find a time line of about 5 minutes and 30 seconds to wash all parts, skip the shaving legs (yeah they look super sexy these days), and try to stay warm while the cool air drifts in from the open door. All I want is 10 stinken minutes to my self. Just 10.

Addison is so insanely attached to me it is scary. Every now and then I find it endearing and sweet, but everyday when it is a shower time I loathe it. For awhile I let her scream at the door while I tried to tune it out and give myself the time. Then, I thought, maybe if I let her in she would not cry like someone is killing her, or that she just watched her Mom get kidnapped (seriously she cries THAT hard, and wheezes trying to catch her breath). So I let the door open, and all I get is a crying baby at the side of the tub, pulling the curtain away, trying to get my hand to pull me out, while the cool air from the open door swooshes in, and the crying baby is getting panged with the shower head.

It is just not working.

I tried getting up earlier then her, but then she decided she would trump me and get up even earlier. I tried to distract with videos and snacks. I even gave a hearty attempt to put her in her crib. However, I can not trust that she won't throw herself out it, seeing as she is so distraught. I even went as far as not showering for a few days, which drives me crazy. I am one of those people that needs a shower not only to feel clean, but to awake and be motivated. I am one lazy ass Momma when I don't shower (and I smell with hair legs!).

I am not sure of the solution. Everyone keeps telling me this will pass just as the night feedings did, but man, I am feeling like she will be college aged crying at the side of shower. When there is no solution to a problem except time..... Lord it feels like eternity.

I love that she loves me so much. I love that she feels like I provide her with security, and comfort. However, my sweet 17 month old needs to learn a little independence. Her Momma also needs a little bit a space, even if for 10 minutes of body part scrubbing.

Showering is not an option, crying is. Sorry kid, you lose, and so do my hairy legs.

Need Help Organizing/Hiding Gifts?

Last year I came up with this Christmas organizing idea that has now turned into this years expansion of making my life so much easier. I wanted to share it in hopes that I can help some of you out there who are stressing about the holidays, and hiding places. Last year I took two garbage bags and filled one from "Santa" and the other from "Mommy & Daddy". Although this was an efficient way to keep these items hidden from the kids, it still left me with a room filled with other gifts and feeling overwhelmed and in disarray.

This year I was determined to do something different. Less stress, more ease, and way more organized. So I came up with the idea for a big black garbage bag labeled with each set of people I had bought for. So this meant each kid has a bag with their name on it, both sides of our family has a last name label, and so on and so forth.

So the down side is my guest room now looks like it has a ton of trash in it, the up side is it is organized, hidden from snooping eyes, and makes it WAYYYYY easier to wrap:
Also, I can't use my treadmill since it is housing this mountain. (awww shucks) What's a girl to do with a doughnut hangover and no treadmill?

Doughnut Hangovers With NYC Love

I am still in a New York state of mind with a doughnut hangover.

Wow what a weekend. What did we do, you may wonder? (besides the obvious from the first sentence). We did this, even though we said we would never, ever do it again. Why would we return after that horrid experience last time? Well because we are a little Dave Matthews crazy. Plus, we found out they weren't touring this Summer, and we decided we couldn't wait until the Summer after that. It also gave us a fantastic reason for an overnight in my favorite city of all times.

Surprisingly the show was way better then anticipated (thankfully). We didn't have any urine in cups sitting around us, I saw nobody whip out their penis in the stands, and Dave was shockingly stone cold sober. Sure he has lost his voice a bit thanks to the night before, but I personally, would take a hoarse-sober Dave, then a high one. The best part was I got to see him sing the Christmas Song LIVE! Surely, if that doesn't put you in the holiday spirit nothing will!

The subway ride home was less then desirable. As, since it was past midnight, many of the local trains ran express, which means we went on two trains that almost landed us in Spanish Harlem at 1 am. Luckily I was successful in talking my husband into a quick/cheap cab ride across Central Park so we could avoid such diversions. The other part of the night that took us for a turn for the worse was the paper thin walls of the hotel. Our neighbors thought it would be fun to speak at the absolute loudest voice one could possibly make in Chinese at 1:30 am, and then again at 4 am. Our sleep away from home was actually worse then at home with kids.

We didn't let a little subway mishap, and some load peeps ruin our NYC time. Heck not when there is that much amazing food all within a short distance. We happily ate our way through NYC. This is the highlights that nearly blew my socks off:

*Victors Cafe This is a place I have frequented a lot in my days. Awesome Mojitos, and fantastic Sangria. This weekend I had one of those awesome Mojitos, and I am sorry to say I could only drink a 1/3 of it since I wouldn't be able to stand if I furthered in this venture. It was so darn good though, and even better that I had a husband there to finish it! Then I had the "Taste of Cuba", which was a little bit of everything on the menu (apps, main dish, and dessert). It was so phenomenal I couldn't help but make "hmmmmm...yummmm" noises every time I took a bite. It was sort of When Harry Met Sally 'ish. It could also have to do with the fact I was tipsy as well. In my book that meal was an A+!

*Creperie NYC Pete loves crepes. He never gets excited about food so when the man has a food request I listen. So I knew we would be heading down to the East Village for doughnuts (since some friends of ours raved about it), so I googled "Crepes East Village NYC" and got this place. I had NO idea that this tiny hole in the wall would be so famous. It recently was featured in "Throwdown with Bobby Flay", and has a huge following. Not to mention it has by far the best crepes I have ever eaten, or imagined to eat. Seriously--we had one with tiramisu, nutella, strawberries, and whip cream--can you get better then that? So good, so worth it, and YEYYYYY for google!

*Doughnut Planet If you don't know about this place and have never been you must put it on your bucket list. No I am completely serious. Like SUPER serious. You MUST have a coconut creme, and a creme brulee! I nearly cried and dropped to the ground to thank God for letting me witness such goodness. And... might I add, I am not really a doughnut person. If you think Krispie Kreme is "the best"-- homey you have NO IDEA! With all that is good and holy in the world, this place is up there with this (St Patricks) (and yes I am actually comparing doughnuts to a massive awesome church because people--God has made all things--thus a doughnut can in fact be holy):

And although St Patricks literally takes my breath away every time I walk into it, it equally happens when I am in the heart of Times Square at night. It is just amazing, overwhelming, and something you can not dream of unless you have witnessed it.

Every time I get to go back to the city and revisit my other "home" I start to long for those good old days and wonder what life would be like raising a family there. I want to yell at my old twenty something self about how much I took for granted and all the things I shoulds, coulda, woulda, done.

Thankfully my home is not so far away from my old home. I can continue to enjoy both places for the rest of my life, while secretly hoping one (if not both) of my kids get a chance to someday live there.

NYC and Dave Matthews are in a new romance. Two things I will forever love.

Sticker Shocked Worthy Of A Kanye Smile

I had dreaded the day I would have to surrender and bring my son to the dentist. He had a mixture of oral sensory concerns, and a memory of the dentist office in Nemo, that could make a kid actually want to let his teeth fall about before entering that place.

In preparation I decided to show him more "positive" dvd's that including images of non-screaming patients in the dentist chair. I also purchased a spin brush so that that noise and feeling wouldn't startle him. And then I made the appointment and held my breath.

I carefully warned the dental hygienist, I nearly vomited when she asked him to sit in "the seat". I had envisioned having to hold him down, console him, or him entering into his irrational state that would include him not ever wanting to come back. Except.... he sat in the chair. He opened his mouth. She picked his teeth. He let her use various treatments in his mouth (which absolutely SHOCKED me, seeing as homeboy has gone through about 15 toothpastes in the past year). He didn't move when his teeth were being polished, and he agreed to x-rays as long as I was in the chair with him. He never raised his voice, and although a few times said he didn't want to do certain things, pressed on and did them anyway.

I realized in the moment that I had been blindsided by the fear of taking him and his reactions, that I forgot my camera in case it actually went well. I never thought it would go well. Somehow, it went well. There I was standing feeling like a big ol' Mom terd because I didn't bring my camera to capture his first dentist visit, and that I assumed he couldn't do this, that he hasn't made enough progress to be here. Yet here he is, showing me up, and I am shocked. When in reality the only thing I should have been shocked about is the price of the bill.

$378.

Um yeah. For his BABY teeth. I thought for sure while I wasn't looking they knocked out his teeth and must of put diamonds in like Kanye West. That would be the only way $378 would be acceptable for his half hour visit of teeth picking.

Alas, Ry has no Kanye bling, instead he was merely sent home with a special toothpaste ($20 in the smallest tube of paste ever made) to use at night because the x-rays showed homeboy is started on some cavities in his front chompers.

Thank God for dental insurance that will reimbursed us some (if not all) of it. I still think that was an unbelievable amount of money for kid teeth, even if this was in fact the best pediatric dentist known around this town.

So yes, I seem to have underestimated a lot of things that day. My kid's behavior AND the price.

Saintly Dress Up

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Mother Teresa

This Time Of Year

As I was driving and listening to my all time favorite Christmas cd (Sarah McLachlan-Wintersong) in all of it's glory, I looked in my rear view mirror at my sleeping one year old. This music, so soothing, had rocked my baby to sleep. It was clear her soul loved this music too. I started to think about all I have done for Christmas thus far (lists, shopping, wrapping, digging out music), and thinking about what my sister had said is disgust over the fact that she saw Santa roll into her local mall: People are forgetting Thanksgiving. Ahh that sister of mine, so older and wiser, she had me thinking, should I be playing this cd and part-taking in Christmas joy this early?

Here is the thing, I can't only have this cd for a month, it is just to good. So my promise is NO other Christmas music until Thanksgiving night. I have to shop because I can not deal with December crowds, and the lists.... the lists need to be made thanks to impatient family members that need answers now (unless of course you want a holly berry sweater, some reindeer antler thongs, and some of that impostor perfume you can by at the local drug store that claims to smell like the designer ones).

However, while driving and thinking about all of this in my light bulb above my head, I couldn't help but think about how this is the month we are supposed to be focused on being thankful. It is not the month we should making lists of things we greedily want. I want less tackle from my four year old when a toy store catalog comes in the mail with a list of "I want Santa to bring me ________(insert entire catalog--homeboy is going to be so disappointed his Santa is po-po poor). I want more of the four year olds pure excitement when he notices a candy cane in the aisle at the grocery store. When purchased he looks at me and says, "Mom isn't candy canes awesome. Thank you so much Mom for getting me this. It was really nice of you". It is hard for a comment like that not to make you smile from the inside out. It is moments like these I think to myself, I can't believe I made that kid. He is awesome.

Just as I went into Internet rehab to "smell the roses", I think I am suddenly part-taking in a life lesson class that includes being thankful the roses grew. And in honor of my sister thinking the world has forgotten Thanksgiving, and for our rushed days that seem to slide quicker together each year between Halloween and Christmas, here are a few things I am thankful for in the month to be Thankful:

• Rylan looking through my soul, with his arm around me telling me "I love you Mom". He finally gets what the saying means, and I think he finally gets how much he means to me.
• The smell of pine in the Winter, sweet flowers in the Spring, ocean in the Summer, and pumpkin in the Fall
• laying on my back floating in the ocean wherever we are while on vacation. It is my moment to pray, bring it back home, and focus.
• The feeling of watching you child participate in a performance, a rave teacher conference, seeing them smile, or my personal favorite of this fall: watching the Disney parade in Magic Kingdom in absolute amazement that it breaks me down in weepy Mom tears.
• Addison adoring me. She is stuck to me like glue. If I leave the room, or leave her to go somewhere she has complete melt downs. She is my shadow, and she would be perfectly happy living her life on my lap. It is as if she knows how much I wanted her. How badly I fought fertility, and grieved the loss of life before her. It is as if she knows how "meant" she was, and that she will forever be the baby I thought I would never have.
• A husband that could careless about how much my pant size changes, loves me even when I am cranky or being to liberal, who takes on laundry, bathtime, dishes, and anything else (plus more) asked of him. A man 100% involved and invested in his children, and who lives his days to makes sure the three of us are happy and loved.
• A latte just the way I like it. Extra foam makes me want to sing out loud. You would not believe, for as much as I hit up Starbucks, how little I get a latte this is literally perfect for me.
• Fleece-mother loven--sweat pants. I have bought these for the kids before, but never did I venture to think a fleece over my ass would be so gratifying. I should have known since I love fleece blankets. Now I have one wrapped around my privates, and although I might look like a sloppy, slugish Mom, I am feeling oh so good in that lazy Mom wear. If you haven't bought yourself a little something to love your behind in awhile, run to the Gap!
• Hot tea on a cold day.
• Oprah. (even if she got my motor running about her education special, I still big puffy heart love her)
• The only other person that lived my childhood and knows my roots: my sister. Yes that means we are both messed up for the same reasons! We are also awesome, because that is what happens when you grow up on a street called Boulevard Avenue.
• Loyal friends. There aren't enough of them, and when you find them--HOLD TIGHT
• Borat. Still the funniest movie ever made in my mind. I am so thankful for Borat.
• Watching my kids kiss & hug, or play nicely together.
• that almost all the Halloween candy is almost eaten and gone, because at this rate I will be 500lbs by the new year if I kept at it
• teaching kids. Getting back in the classroom, even if for a smidge, was a great gift for my soul. It reminded me who I was before Mom, and who I still am.
• Great lotion.
• Pumpkin Pie.
• Dave Matthews
• New York City
• Indian Food--the best spices! I love that you can have a taste and feel like you are eating from the earth. Indian food moves me, and I MUST learn how to make it.
• diapers. Yep diapers. Why? because my wee one has had diarrhea for more then a week now, and if diapers were not invented I imagine I would: a. be spending my days following her around picking up Hersey squirts from the the floor, or b. gating her into the bathtub all week which surely would land me a children's services visit once a week. Lets me thankful for diapers shall wee?
• Modern Family --need I say more?
• my blog. At the end of the day, even if I am trying to step away from being on here all the time, it has brought me so much joy and growth. It has reconnected me with people I haven't seen in a long time, made new friends for me, resolved painful times, and was there in moments I could not dread or let anyone in.

There is so much more I could go on and on about. My list of things to be thankful for would surely out weigh that greedy one that has designer bags, pearl studs, and a raincoat on. As we enter this time of greed filled with the "I wants", lets try to refocus a bit on what life has given us. What we NEED (not want). Thanksgiving shouldn't be forgotten about, and Christmas should not lack God.

Take time to smell the roses, pick the roses, dance with roses, fill the entire house of roses, because just like anything else... they will not stay and be in the same place forever. Nor will they live eternally.

Be thankful.

I am for the that sleeping baby in the backseat, and the soothing music that fills me up with over flowing joy. For me Christmas joy is the same as being thankful, because it is a season, for me, about loving God and being grateful.

I love this time of year.

Never To Late To Make Amends And Learn Something

I have never been compared to a bible beater before, until my husband stood in the kitchen and said it with a loving smile.

I was discussing my last post with him, and all the drama to follow. I was telling him about high school, and how I could not understand why my fellow class members could not understand that the things I stood for was to keep them safe. I literally remember thinking that it was my job to make sure they were all safe, and when people said or did stupid things, I felt let down, betrayed, and a cast off as usual. I never once felt like I was preaching, but after my husband stood there telling me I could have been like the bible beater of high school, I wondered. Did I overdue it a bit?

Nah not me? I mean I am never strongly opinionated, nor do I stand for much. I am certainly as quiet as a mouse, and never say much about anything right? (insert sarcasm) Apparently I could be parallel to a bible beater at many, many moments in my life, I just hadn't ever noticed, because I was to busy talking my talk.

So listen. We all learn things, even if they are 15 years too late. Not sure if you guys caught the comment left on my last post, but I got a public (and private) apology from a guy I went to high school with that I have carried tremendous betrayal from over these many, many years. Sounds sort of stupid for most since we were kids, it was one incident, and well...it happened 15 years ago, but for me it was one of many times that I felt like an outsider looking in.

I guess I always assumed he would never change. That he grew up to be some asshole that lives to relive high school over and over again. Apparently I was wrong, and I judged a little to quickly. As his adult self seems to be quite different, and his words sincere. I was grateful for our private e-mails the other day, it put a lot of closure to my teenage self, and it taught me a few things I hadn't learned yet in my 33 (almost 34) years on this planet.

This is what I walked away with:

*you can not always assume that people stay who they are forever, that what people seem to be on the outside might not match the in, and that teenagers--- all teenagers-- are just trying to figure out who they are and fit in.

*sometimes you have to stop and think about what your part in it was/is. Was it right for some jerky teenager to throw empties on my lawn? no. However, was it --could it--have been annoying that every time Aimee entered a room or a party I was "Just Saying No" and not doing it quietly? ummm yeahhhh.

*You can stand for something. You can stand LOUDLY without even saying a word.

*People can assume things of you that are farthest from who you are. I hope he doesn't mind, but homeboy called me "conservative". ME --conservative? I nearly fell off of my seat laughing. I seriously do not know a single soul that is more liberal then I am. And yet his vision of who I am was--conservative.

*Many are still in fact stuck in high school. Although I am grateful for our interaction, I think it is so damn lame that someone I went to school with and obviously reads my blog, thought to forward it to him. I mean--people--we have been out of high school for 15 years. With this I can safely say-- that lacks growth.

And lastly...

*You can find common ground with people, even when all of your beliefs don't meet up. You can find common ground with people you thought you would never like. And then suddenly, you are friending them on Facebook.

Needless to say my 20 year reunion I am buying the "toss the empties" boy a drink, because lets face it, we have all done crappy things to others. I did LOADS as a teenager. Kids ARE MEAN. I never was women enough to reach out and make amends, and him, to be man enough to write it on my very public blog, I owe him this post to say: THANK YOU.

This gave me just another reason to love my blog.

Facebook IS The 15 Year Reunion

It was 15 years ago that I could not wait to leave most of these people behind me. What everyone said should be "the best years of my life", were actually the most painful. I hadn't a clue of who I was, and I struggled to find me. All that I knew for sure, I was made fun of for. I walked a fine line in high school, one that consisted of friends that were brave enough to stand by me even if it came with the consequence of possibly being made fun of, and others that easily left me behind.

At an early age I found myself feeling part of a whole when attending leadership conferences for youth. This is where I realized the only thing I was sure of. I wanted to make a difference, help people, and take a stand for my fellow youth. I stood firmly against underage drinking/smoking. So much so, I helped to make a law, and participated in sting operations. This wasn't exactly the "cool" thing to do when practically everyone else in your class is "experimenting". It doesn't seem like you are making that much of a difference when a classmate tosses their empties on your front lawn, or when a group of immature boys make a pipe out of the "Prom Promise" pens to smoke some weed out of. During that time I felt so out of place, and old for my age. If I wasn't in a room filled with teens that stood for the same thing, I felt out of place, uncomfortable, and as if everyone was looking at me thinking "why is she here?". I was so very insecure.

Initially I thought I would absolutely attend my reunions. Especially when I was in my twenties, living in NYC, completely dressed to the 9 in current fashion, and looking my best. These also were the years before Facebook. When people had "normal" reunions that consisted of "Hey I haven't seen you for 10 years, what do you now?". Not, "Hey how are your kids feeling? I saw they were sick last night on Facebook. And hey it was great seeing your face again after 15 years in person instead of online!". It is weird and awkward, and as if Facebook took all of the "reunion" out of the "reunion". This is why I believe attendance is low, and one of the main reasons I am 98% sure I am not going to our 15 year reunion scheduled this month. Curiosity is gone, and the few I found and reconnected via Facebook, I will make time to see or meet. However, a large majority, and many of whom I am still not "friends" with on Facebook, I could care less about drinking a martini next to because now we are well over 21. According to the list the "boy" the tormented me with his empties is going (shocking right? I mean isn't it always the people that a. can not get past their high school years, or b. were total and complete geeks and need to strut their stuff, that are begging to go to these things?). Plus do I really want to go to a BAR for a reunion? This is so classic in my eyes, as this might have been cool for our ten year, but people we are well in our thirties, can we grow up a little?

For the few people on the guest list I want to see so bad, is the reason I am feeling the 2% guilt of "should I go". For as much as I would love to reconnect and have a love fest, would I: a. be able to at a BAR b. focus on them, and not resort to my insecure teenage inner self and worry about what I am wearing and who is talking about me c. really want to put myself in a situation where I would like to see a few people but the majority I don't? A situation that makes me want to vomit thinking about it, because they were not at all the best years of my life, and filled with people that made it that way.

I got Facebook. Do I really need anything else?

If the attendance were bigger, and the place more adequate for reconnecting, and our age, I would 95% going. If I had to match a high school picture to a person, instead of a Facebook profile pic, and genuinely wondered what happened to so and so, I would totally go. Since I only get to see my side of the family, and close friends of mine when in my hometown in Rhode Island rarely, it just isn't worth it to me to free up time for a sexy club shirt, some shots (because I would need many to get through it), and pretending I am something I am not. The difference being, between now and then, I am completely sure of who I am, and for those haters, they can suck it! Or they can read my Facebook page, or blog, and roll their eyes and call me a "goody two shoes" or something (which would really make my real friends laugh since that couldn't be further then the truth).

And so, in five years I will reevaluate my need to revisit high school. In the meantime, looking back and thinking about those years makes me SOOOOOOOO damn thankful they are in my past, and I am out of them.

Do you still attend reunions even though there is Facebook? Do you resort to the your inner teen self and start dieting, needing to find the perfect outfit, and worry about fitting it prior to going?

Halloween Fun 2010

Halloween season has been filled with back to back activities. We are all pumpkin'd and candied out. Now we are gearing up to be thankful and for that fat guy with a beard to come down the chimney! Here is a breakdown of our "Halloween" season in the past two weeks!

We had an extra bonus this month when Addison's Godma, my dear friend, and Ry's auntie Kim, came in from Bermuda on business and came to spend some time with us. We brought her to the apple & pumpkin farm since you can't exactly do that in Bermuda.






After the squirrels ate about six of our pumpkins prior to this one! Here is our yearly carve:

"ewww":


Yey for pumpkin carving:
Doing the skeleton dance:

Hooray for a jack o' lantern






Rylan's school Halloween Parade:

<

The town's Trick or Treating started out with a Curious Creature show! Addie LOVED IT! She could not stop touching the animals and yelling at the guy for more. Rylan was in snake heaven!


waiting for the show to start:

Trick or Treating downtown in our hometown:


Halloween night trick or treating in our hood with friends! Here is Ry and one of his fav friends! Buzz and Buzz:
Watch out for your wings BUZZZZZ:
Ready to trick or treat in our wagon:
Addison's friend Luella excited about her wagon ride:
Two wagons, Two Fathers, Two Buzz's, and Two 1 yr old's with cold hands: