Defined

We define ourselves so many things over time.

Along time ago I was a college student in Boston determined to never leave that city. A few years later I was young twenty something grad student living in NYC passionate about being a New Yorker for the rest of my life. I worked incredibly hard to define myself as a social worker in drug rehab that soon went back to school to become a teacher. I taught like my life depended on it in the Bronx. My paychecks helped define living as a single city girl would- filled with new outfits, endless amounts of Starbucks, and many nights of city outings. I saved not a dime. I lived freely and effortlessly in the city hustle and bustle. I did not own a drivers license until I was 25 years old.

Then I became a Mrs. in the suburbs. I became a Mom and broke up with my careers. I then became a blogger and survived on keeping my sanity in tact by writing instead of only interacting with "Ga Ga's and Goo Goo's". Most of the time I survived writing this ol' blog unshowered, with Cheerios stuck to my behind, and a kid wrapped in my arms. I was a Mom of two June bugs until my third came in August. As I grew into motherhood my need of blogging seemed to waver. I realized blogging for me is more of leisure now and not therapy. And so I gave up the ads that gave me a handsome $30 every year, and decided I no longer needed a company to define what me being a "blogger" meant.

A month or two ago I wouldn't have considered myself a current blogger as I hadn't done it actively in quite some time. A month a go I wouldn't have considered myself a social worker, a teacher, or a city chick either. Then life shifts and tosses you around to make you remember you are all of these things that you took pride in, it just looks different.

So here I am blogging.

Recently I became a Christian. Which seems funny to me to write because I was always a believer but never let a faith define me. I am well defined now. Since that moment doors have swung open that I had never anticipated before. Sad things have finally been closed, healed, and forgotten. And suddenly part of my definition is --dare I say-peaceful.

Coming up this September I am making the move from stay at home Mom to working Mom. The beauty is I am teaching at a place that not only includes God, but also care for two out of my three kids. Daycare AND Preschool are included and I could not say no.

And so I start on a new journey of taking who I have been and using to help the future me be the best I can.

I may not be a student any longer or a city girl. However those two former parts of who I am absolutely have made me the Mrs., Mom, social worker, teacher, blogger, Christian, suburb living Aimee I am today.

After all, we are defined by what we allow ourselves to be defined as.

Over The Top

I had everything planned out thanks to Pinterest. Everything was so detailed oriented and well thought out. I knew this would be seemingly over the top when it came to the little things I was investing in. One being, the time I was taking to hot glue gun red roses to a paper yellow table cloth. However, I knew what would be returned to me as payment for it.

Addison turned 4 yesterday. The baby I once thought I would never have. The one I wrote on this blog countless of times about longing to have her. It is hard to believe it was four years ago!

Addison loves Beauty and the Beast. Naturally this was the theme this year. I made the enchanted rose, Lumiere the candle, the clock, Mrs. Pots, Chip, and of course this grand table cloth. When she saw it pulled together she squealed saying "Thank You Mom. This is the best birthday ever. I love you". Yes, that is payment.

While I was setting up for her big day filled with littler friends, a wave of emotion came over me. I could not help but think of the homes in the town over that was once filled with this type of payment, that are now silent on their birthdays. Almost six months later, the raw reality and pain of the Newtown community and it's surrounding towns, continues to bellow in such unexpected places. Here I was about to host my joyous 4 years olds party and I was weeping. Crying for those others Mom's who no longer hold these moments with their child taken from them so violently.

I was thinking about sweet Joey Gay who was supposed to be celebrating her 7th birthday the day after she died. I couldn't help but think about what efforts her parents had done for preparing for a great party. I couldn't help but think of how they unknowingly didn't expect they wouldn't see that memory follow through not only for their daughter, but for their daughter's classmates.

During the party I kept thinking about the future and what it might hold for her and her little friends. When her first grade brother came home from school early to take part in his sisters birthday, she beamed. He beamed. I just couldn't help but say in my head "Thank you God for this moment".

This is what happens when you live in a community stricken by such horror and grief. The world goes on having millions of kids party's unaware of the precious payment of smiles and thank yous from their kids. And we literally stop in our tracks, riding the wave of sadness, thinking I better take this in. Parents here are still talking about putting their kids on buses worried about not seeing them again. Police cars are still patrolling our schools. Instead of huge shrines on the corner streets of Newtown people are now whispering in grocery markets, and grieving at home. It may look like the community has moved on, but it couldn't be farthest from the truth. You don't forget with 20 first graders were murdered at their school 6 months ago. You just don't.

I didn't imagine when I was pinning Beauty and the Beast birthday ideas that it would bring be to this place. A place of wonderment, sadness, and sincere empathy. Could those parents spent their spare minutes on Pinterest pinning their hopes and dreams for their kids parties, crafts, teacher gifts etc. ? So when someone tells me I went over the top in hot glue gunning red roses to a table cloth, my answer is "good. It was meant to be".

I am trying to live over the top in love.

Love wins. Still. Always. Forever.