The Sky Is The Limit If Only You Have It Within To Grab It

It is true that I spent my entire year in fifth grade staring at the corner against the wall. My teacher told me I had no self control (and in fact failed it on every report card). I could help but talk. I talked to anyone willing to listen. Heck I probably could have been found talking to that wall I stuck next to all year.

The other factor to my willingness to talk to anything, was I had little to no investment in my education. After being held back, and brought to the "stupid room" for extra services, I was often told (maybe not by words but actions), that I would never amount up to much. I guess somewhere in my head I thought--ok if I am stupid I am stupid, at least I can talk and get attention that way. Besides my first grade teacher that told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up, not one other adult ever breathed an ounce of hope for me while growing up with and IEP. I was just known as that pain in the ass kid. What they lacked doing was scratching the service, and realizing this pain in the ass kid a) wanted attention and would seek it --good-bad-or indifferent, in any way possible , and b) had dreams. It was just another span in my life I felt so completely alone.

Not much changed as years went by, except I learned that advocating for others filled me up where I had lacked. I learned that I could do great things and be noticed for it. I could make a real difference and come out feeling like the "good one", instead of the kid having to sit in the corner for a year. I still had many nay sayers in my high school career. I loved when the school Social Worker told me I didn't have any business going into her field! So supportive after I had co-ran our school anti-drug program, helped pass a state law, did a number of local sting operations, won a massive scholarship for community work and another in honor of a child who died from a drunk driver, and learned how advocacy makes a difference in real lives. But... I had no business being a Social Worker. Imagine if I told some of my teachers back then I would be a teacher someday? I might have been tarred and feathered. Heck even the guidance counselor told me I shouldn't assume I could make it through college. He told me I should settle at community college and getting a job. He recommended McDonald's.

Where were the adults to inspire my young, easily molded life? How many times could one person be told you will never make it? And yet I did.

A comment a while back had implied that I love to boost about how overly educated I am. This is not true. What seems like boosting is actually me telling the world sometimes the underdog can win! I am a perfect example of how someone in the low scoring classes and seemingly unimportant can rise above it. And that some of those high and mighty honors kids, are now in puny jobs doing nothing with their lives. It wasn't my inability to get straight A's that determined my life's purpose, drive, or outcome. It was my own willingness to make it happen.

At the end of the day when I look in my school aged kids eyes, I need to remind myself to tell him he can be anything. He can do anything. There isn't a label, a paper, a report card, a person, that can prove this fact different. It is my job as his parent and advocate to fuel his fire.

We had a rough week this week. Rylan didn't have his best week at school. We over came it. His teacher assured me what a joy he is in her class, and how sweet he is even though he disrespected a fellow teacher this week. From Rylan's point of you I am sure it seems his parents have been hard on him this week. From my point of view Rylan starts his educational legacy now! He needs to make wise choices, be his best, and do his best.

Sometimes we have to give kids the chance to be their best before assuming they will choose to be their worst. We need to model by example, follow through, and not laugh at their dreams but show them the way.

This is why I became a Social Worker, a Teacher, and most importantly a MOM!

Giving Back

Just wanted to share with you a guys a post I wrote on Seeking Up that I wrote with 100% of my soul! I hope all of you savor a moment like this you might of had, or try to make one happen!

I DID IT!

Here is the thing. It is so darn easy--to darn easy to be your own worst critic/hater. It is so easy to give in to the "I can't"s. It is so easy to live in your predictable safe world that you are 100% being successful at, then putting yourself out there.

As I wrote a few days ago, I am trying really hard to give my self a chance. Instead of surrendering to my own worst critic, what kind of life can I lead as my own biggest cheerleader? Imagine the potential when I actually believe I can do it. Or at least TRY. I am starting to realize if you aren't willing to try, you aren't really living up to your best potential. And shouldn't we be?

So not only am I going to BlogHer's Writers conference alone next month. I also jumped a major hurdle for a girl so sensitive and down about her own body image. I ran my first 5K:

Pete and Sporty Spice had my back throughout. They ran with me, told me I could do it over and over again, and didn't get mad when I was hella pissy towards the end. I didn't stop! I never stopped! My inner fat girl so desperately wanted to stop and say "I CAN'T". However I finished. Even with the amount of hills I had to endure-I did it. Not so bad time, and I WASN'T last! I always assumed I would be. I didn't train for this --unless you call eating chocolate and counting down to this day. I maybe ran a mile a week but this was totally poor planning on my part. Next time I know better, next time I'll do better!

It was for an awesome cause. Near and dear to my heart, and in remembrance to a friend of a friend that passed on September 11 on one of the flights. How could I not do it? How could I excuse myself from trying for such a great cause and for a beautiful life lost on a horrible day? Or for the amount of September 11 kids who will reap from the money raised from this?

I did it. And I didn't use Rylan's illness as an excuse to excuse me. I put my big girl pants on today after being up all night with a sick kid. AND.... I DID IT!

I also joyfully went home with winning 3 out of 30 raffles! 3 gift certificates to great eats around town!

Sometimes going out of your comfort zone is some of the best life lessons. The only person stopping you from your greatest YOU is YOU!

School Days

This past week was "the big day". Addie went to preschool all by herself. I prepped her in the car that I was leaving her and not to cry. Luckily when I did leave she turned to me and said "Addie no cry, Mommy come back". Although the report was there were a few slip ups of sadness but over all a great first day!

I had to take a picture of her that day (even with my very sleepy face):
Here she is ready to go in and happy about it:
We can only hope it continues this well!

As for Rylan, it took no time for him to acquire the down side of Kindergarten-THE GERMS! Poor kid has spent the past 48 hours with a sore throat, vomiting, and a grand finally of a head to toe rash. He has a nasty case of Strep. We are hoping after 24 hours of antibiotics he will feel 100% better. Poor kid keeps asking me if today is the day he will feel better.

Overall the transition back to school has been a wonderful one. Rylan's teacher called this week to see how he was feeling and to ask me to be room Mom. Not sure what that entails, but I agreed since I want to be part of his experience. I am still pretty shocked he is a Kindergartner-buying lunch, and going to real school. Time flies.

Dreaming Big

BlogHer Writers '11-I AM GOING!

I am not sure how this came about other then prayer and the fire in my belly telling me I should give this a try. I do not think that being a blogger makes me a writer by any means. I am also aware of the enormity of people wanting to publish a book. However, if you don't dare to dream then they never come true.

It take a lot for me to go. As I get older I am more anxiety prone, and worrisome (or that could have come from being a parent and NOT about age). I am going to this solo. With nothing written on paper, just an idea deep in my soul. I might go and think it was the worst money I ever spent realizing it is not for me, or it could be the best money I ever spent and a dream come true. Either way, isn't life all about grabbing the proverbial balls?

I am stepping out of my comfort zone here. Doing what I do best: being a student. At the end of the day if I learn something new either about my self or the subject of writing, it is well worth it. Plus this gives me a great opportunity to meet new bloggers!

I am going for it! At the end of the day I will never have to question the "what if's" after trying.

What To Expect When You Get All Food Cocky

It would have been easy to call today a wash by 10 am.

I gave in to eating the bagel sitting on my counter for two days, and it happened to be weigh-in day. Something told me this wouldn't be a good idea. It tasted super yummy, and in the midst of it's cinnamon-y goodness I realized the person I was a month ago would have never given in.

Sometimes my self-discipline just plain out sucks. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Can I just call bullshit right there? I did over a month of none stop food tracking/journal, exercising, attending WW meetings, and making a huge adjustment to what I purchase in the store. Then suddenly out of no where I am almost at doing none of these.

I rationalize it with excuses. "I'm busy" "It's back to school with new schedules" "I have a cold" "I am tired" and so on and so forth. However at the end of the day when I am on the scale and wondering why it isn't working with me, my thumbs point to ME. There are no excuses that are excusable. It you want something bad enough you will work for it, which gets me back to today.

At weigh in I assumed it wouldn't matter. Even though I haven't consistently tracking my points in weeks, nor make a meeting, I lost every week. Why would this one be any different? Well my cocky ass got a dose of "DUDE you don't eat BAGELS to lose weight". May I just add, this was my SECOND BAGEL this week and it's only Wednesday! D.U.M.B

1.4 gain. I was pissed at myself in the car ride home. I gave myself a humble talking to in my head. What did you expect? You are tired from not being active! You are running your very first 5K this weekend for an AWESOME cause and have done nothing to prepare for it. You tracked/journal maybe half a day in a matter of two weeks which is not making you accountable. QUIT YOUR BITCHING and DOOOOOOO something about it.

Alas, I am signing off this blog, putting Addison down for a nap, and seizing the day. I will be on my treadmill, after I log in what I ate today. Including the 13 point bagel with cream cheese. I need to stop co-signing my own bull-shit and taking moments like these (that can so easily turned into woe-is-me lets eat cookies) and OWN them.

I OWN today. I choose how this day will end. And today I plan to end it with being a less cocky, more motivated, back on the bandwagon self.

Silverlining

It started with the inability to move fast enough to take a shower today. I felt as if I was carrying an elephant on my back, and all I wanted to do was sip tea to soothe the porcupine in my throat.

I hurried in time to get the kids dressed and fed. I had exactly a little over a minute to make myself look presentable enough for bus stop greetings with the neighbors. I did so thinking I was a step a away from looking like I jumped out of bed in my pj's. Thankfully I-spied someone that wore something particularly interesting that I just about posted here and yelled at myself "SENSOR-Aimee- SENSOR ", (I am totally one of those chicks that talk to herself), after all I do live in the neighborhood and this itty blog it easy to find. Although you need to know my name to do so, and I am willing to bet maybe 3 possibly 4 people on the street actually know it. I like it that way (although I am soften up to suburban Sesame Street feeling and letting go of the New York chip-on-the-shoulder chick).

I can not breathe. I was about to complain about this, and the fact I sound like Kermit the Frog when I urged myself to find a silver lining to this all.

Clearly the silver lining isn't feeling like dog do-do, or the fact I couldn't visit my friend today to gossip and hold her newborn. Then I was doing my usual job requirements and changing a dirty diaper and thought "Sh*t I can't smell that" (pun well intended). Lunch time came and I thought I should eat. A bell rang in my head--I was telling myself I SHOULD eat not I want to eat. Alas my lack of taste buds or ability to smell chocolate (or sh*t for that matter) clearly became the light in the storm. This my peeps would be a fabulous Weight Watchers week with this mega of a cold, and loss of love for food (temporary of course).

The part I plan to complain about comes tonight when I try to lay down and breathe. For now I am continuing to practice the art of seeing the good. Later I plan to practice the art of what medication and knock me the F' to sleep.

And I beckoned Fall to come. What a wench! Soon I will be standing in 10 feet of snow trying to fine a silver lining and telling myself off (literally). Saying to self, "Aimee you can stick it where the sun don't shine with your silver lining finding and your absolute NEED for pumpkin spice lattes. You brought this on b*tch" .

Most of the time I am sane. Put me in a Winter like last years and I am nutty-er' then squirrel poo. This cool air today warns me it is just around the corner. At least there is a chance I could be skinny nuts!

Addie Goes To School

It is amazing how fast time goes by when your kids are little. It is like "normal" life prior to kids on speed. I remember thinking a year went by so slowly when I was only responsible for me. Now I am not sure where the years go.

Addie is a vibrant 2 yr old. She astonishes me almost daily with things that she says or does. It is all to often that I look at her and see me. This clearly means I am in for it when she hits her teen years. For now we have been adjusting to being just "us girls" during the week. Having her brother at school full-time has both upset her (losing her playmate), and made her excited (all the Mom attention is now on her). We are gearing up for a few classes, and while I go back to subbing a few times a week, she will also indulge in one on one Papa time.

Addison has been by my side since the moment she was born. Since she is in the second child she hasn't had the experience Rylan had when he was little with being involved in activities and socializing constantly with peers her age. So as a practice to getting used to being away from me, and gain more socialization with peers, she started a pre-school 2's program.

This is sort of funny coming from me, since years ago when Rylan was 2 I couldn't BELIEVE any parent would want to do this. My first parent mind couldn't grasp wanting to be away from my 2 yr old for even a minute, and I didn't see any benefits he would gain from it since in my new parent eyes he was still a baby. Second time round was the complete opposite. I keep thinking why WOULDN'T a parent want to do this once a week for half a day! Not only will I gain a few hours of freedom to grocery shop on my own or work out--my child will get ready for school! A win-win for us both! She is excited and so am I!

Here she is on her first day:

Introducing: Seeking Up

I have been holding my new blog like a newborn baby. Savoring it, and drinking it into my soul. I have been writing on it letting my soul run free. Knowing it was not yet public or seen by others, there was a sense of security I knew I had.

This new blog is not for everyone. It isn't for people that don't like to speak about God or Heaven. It isn't for people that don't believe in near-death experiences, or that people can be close to God without going to church every week. I am sure some of it's content will not always sit well with people, but I felt as if it was like delivering the very essence to who I am after living 30 some odd years of my life holding it in.

I obviously know there will be skeptics. Heck I even know of some family members that are. I also know once my show airs in the Winter it will bring more people questioning the truth. However, at the end of the day I live with only me, and this is my truth.

My hope is that it delivers comfort to those that need it, clarity to people that seek it, and understanding of who I am to those close to me that I never spoke a word about this to.

At the end of the day (especially this one), it is important to Seek Up and have faith. I couldn't think of a better day to deliver what I experienced then today. I am more then confident that when we die we are not stuck in a ground and forgotten, but more alive then we have ever been.

So for you that are interested...

Seeking Up .... My new spiritual blog.

Never Forget: My 9/11 Story

It was an ordinary dreary weekend day in the financial district of NYC. We had just graduated with our Masters from Fordham, and settling into the "real world" with brand new jobs.

"Isn't this place amazing?" he said. "I can't believe I am going to be working here in a few months". For a business major I am sure this is considered the "it" place to be in the working world, for a social work major, I just shrugged and was supportive. I sat by the water fountain that was shaped as the world and looked around. "It's a ghost town down here on the weekend" I said. (words to forever haunt me)He wanted to take pictures, and knowing it was important to him, we did. I, on the other hand, owned these photos photos we took that day, for months before they would end up being the most important photos taken in my life. To me, on the day they were taken, they were mere buildings in a city sea of buildings. Today one is framed in my living room permanently as a reminder of that horrific day, and that these building were anything but ordinary.

Months later, September 11, 2001 was both our first days at our new jobs. Mine was in Boston as a supervisor for non-profit, and his was at the World Trade Center in New York City.

He was one of the lucky ones.

Here is what I saw a week later when I went to visit the area. The city was in complete silence. The city that never sleeps.

This picture you can see faintly in the background the famous part of a wall still standing:
We were aloud up closer since he worked there. However, out of respect, and out of taking the moment to grieve and be "in it", I didn't photograph what I saw. It was more important of a moment to feel, and pray.

The impact of what happened was grand by seeing the site. However the worst part for me was seeing the hope and desperation that wallpapered the city. One of the main places stood at Saint Vincents Hospital since it was one of the main hubs that day. Although this place took my breath away, and I shed what felt like a million tears, I had to take a picture and remember it's feeling. This is what I saw for MILES:

For many years I sat in anger on this day. This guy I knew that survived was not always kind, and lacked many redeeming qualities. Why would this day have to be a constant reminder of him? Finally, it was this year that I realized, it doesn't. Although my memory of that day was 100% consumed by him, the anniversary doesn't define it by only him. Many times wondering why he lived when I am sure some of the people that weren't so lucky were better, warmer people, I came to a realization I should continue to be thankful he lived. If he hadn't, I would have memorialized him into someone he wasn't. I would have spent my life mourning him. I would have never learned the lessons him being less then kind would give to me in the long run. I would have never married a wonderful man that is completely opposite him. Nor would I have two beautiful kids to wrap my arms around on the 10th anniversary of such a horrible day.

I will forever feel the loss that the city I loved felt that day. I will always feel the loss America felt that day. I will never forget the miles of pictures I scanned over posted by loved ones, or the smell of death that permeated my skin for days after. I will never forget lessons I learned from that day,or ever be so naive again.

Our country lost its innocence that day.

I will never forget.

We, as a country, will never forget.

Getting Used To Letting My Heart Run Free

Getting used to this full time school thing goes way beyond a morning routine we are trying to jive, and getting to the bus stop on time. It is wrapped up in so many other levels that include (but certainly not limited to) the fear of letting go, the ability to have faith in other people, not have control over every moment of my kids day, and of course supporting independence (which is hard when the parent still seems said child as a wee little one).

Rylan came off the bus yesterday letting me know he got a stamp on his hand for extra good behavior. I was proud of him and told him so. He then told me the two friends he has been constantly talking about (and I have been constantly telling him to AVOID thanks to past incidents), got into a fight-IN KINDERGARTEN-and one of the had to go to the nurse because of a bloody lip. This was a perfect opportunity for me to have a discussion about bully's, and kids that don't know how to behave. We did, and he seemed confident in making sure when he interacts with them if they are misbehaving he knows how to leave. I tried to add on the fact he can make other friends in the class to, and that there were plenty of other well behaved boys that would love to be his friend.

This got me thinking--this is the start of the never end battle of finding where you fit in school. What crowd will it be? Popular? Nerdy? --they might not have names in Kindergarten but it is already happening. I want to shield my kid from what I had gone through. However, does that ever end? I just want him to stay true to who he is, and making wise choices for himself. He is such a sweet, sensitive soul, that really cares for others.

He then requested to buy lunch for Pizza Friday. This gave me GREAT anxiety because how can my baby 5 year old handle this major task on his own. What if he was left without a meal, and pressed on throughout the day starving? I know-I know-silly and dramatic. Seriously though--how is my first born old enough to BUY LUNCH? So I set him up on his pre-paid meal online, and prayed for a good outcome when I get him off the bus in a few hours. It is just astounding the things we parents worry over. I couldn't let my fear of him doing it, make him pass up the opportunity to try it. And so... I let go.

I am a crazy mess every school morning. I have no idea how any of you full time worker Moms do it with school aged kids. It is a mad house (LITERALLY) in the morning for me--and I have the ability to roll to the bus stop in my jammies (I don't of course). I have NO IDEA--none-on how I am going to pull this off and start subbing in a few weeks. I am already a crazy Mom yelling at the kids to move faster and yelling "we are going to be LATTTTTTEEE". This is also my control thing. I am never let. I hate even being a moment late. The pressure of making it on time is like the weight of the world for a person like me.

Lastly--even though I may have a degree in teaching, and have had the opportunity to be inside many schools, I am still a freaked out Mom. I must admit I have done a few "drive by's" during the day, just to make sure my kids isn't in front of the school unaccounted for and picking dandelions. I obviously know this would never happen, but my crazy brain seems to want to make sure. So Addison and I drive by and say Hi to Rylan's school, and I breathe a little knowing he is secure in there.

I am slowly adjusting to this transition. A transition much harder on the parent then the kid.

He ran off the bus yesterday screaming my name and jumping into my arms like he hadn't seen me in years. I nearly wept.

Letting my heart go into the world without me is so hard, but it is getting easier, and gearing me up for larger moments in life that I am going to have to embrace.

Always Something To Be Thankful for

My entire house is asleep and my head is still running a mile a minute from this active day. I should be exhausted after a day like today, but instead I am here talking to you.

Today started off with me yelling into the Starbucks microphone at the drive-thru "TODAY IS MY LUCKY DAY". Yes. You know what today is--Pumpkin Spice Latte Day! Thanks to my gold card earnings, I got a Venti on the house! I nearly humped the cup with excitement, but then thought I better keep it PG in front of the 2 yr old.

I then had a lovely lunch with a friend over my dining room table lit with my pumpkin spice candle (because after all it is THE day). I made a warm casserole since I am over cold salads and fruit of the Summer. It was perfect seeing as it was so incredibly rainy today. While our older kids were off at Kindergarten, our little ones literally danced and splashed in the rain. Funny how a dreary day can make an adult not want to leave the house, but a little kid want to run in it!

Naptime came and I went over to count points on my Weight Watcher page. That venti latte tossed me over the top. I really wanted to nap with my kid while listening to the rain, but instead I settled for a little Brittney/Jay-Z/J-lo mix on the treadmill.

Bus stops in the down pour of rain isn't fun. Especially when the bus is running extra late thanks to the start of the year, and with a 2 yr old in your car screaming to exit the entire time. After the third time of singing Free The People Pumped Up Kicks to her along side the radio, we were both DONE.

Kindergartner comes home and asks me what Booty means? This makes me nervous since he has a devilish smile. Then he goes on to say his new BFF in his class keeps getting in trouble for his "potty mouth". Oh great. We are in for it. I try to explain to him that when his friend isn't being a "good boy" that he might want to distance himself from him so that he doesn't get in trouble too. Rylan's response: "But Mom he is still a good kid". My bleeding heart son, so sweet and sensitive, and also so prone to being a follower it scares me.

Just when I thought I had plenty of time to eat dinner, I didn't, and was rushing out the door. Off to the hospital for a VERY important reason. NEW LIFE! A dear friend of mine had a lot of labor on labor day, and brought a beautiful blessing into this world. It was a top priority (ok NEXT to pumpkin spice latte) of mine today to hold that blessing. Baby girl Annabel is perfect. She even opened her eyes for me, and made all those cute infant sounds that makes all Momma's ovaries hurt.

After having some major baby snuggle time, I was off to Rylan's open house. Yep, open house and they only have been in school 2 1/2 days. I was so incredibly happy to find the perfect book to dedicate to him in the library (a snake book of course). I also never fail to embarrass myself, as I ran after a random teacher insisting I know her from somewhere. We compared teaching credentials and our lives weren't matching up. Then suddenly I realized she was the girl with the awesome sneakers at a Zumba class I took at the Y last year. I tell her this and apologize for making an ass out of myself. I go to Rylan's room and listen to the teacher talk about his day. His very long, very jam packed day. She then proceeds to make all the Moms cry when she tells us "They are loved here. When they walk into this room your children become my children. I will take care of them as they are my own. Discipline them when needed, hug them when needed. They are ours together this year". Now THAT is what a weepy Kindergarten Mom wants to hear.

A busy day. However one filled with great gratitude! Latte, friends, new life, and my kids teacher a perfect fit.

Finally

It took me quite some time to check this one off my "to do list"--but I DID IT today! While my older child was off at full day school, and younger sleeping, I gave this blog some love, and worked on my NEW blog coming soon to a home near you! Stay Tuned!

Big Bus Into The Big Bad World

Today was the big kahuna of a day. The day I sent my kid into the big bad world hoping he is safe, and counting on others. The day I realized my stay at home Mom job has ended for him. Now he resides all week-full-time in the care of the public school. For many of these reasons I wanted to cry, but how could I when my kid looks like this:
He was beyond excited to go on the "big bus" today. We both adjusted with surprising ease. I even enjoyed chatting with my neighbors who Rylan asked outloud "Do we know these people Mommy?". "Yes these are all of our neighbors on our street" (shows you how "social" I like to be right?). Rylan waited a few minutes anxiously before asking "Mom are you leaving now?". My kid WANTS me to go. I rubbed his head and told him he was silly. When the bus showed up he made a B-line, and just like that my kid is off for a FULL DAY of school. Since I have tried to keep myself busy, but the hours are going by sllllooooowwwwly. I can't wait until he gets home!

Here are some pics from yesterdays first day of school:

It is so hard to believe we are here. I started this blog when he was 6 months old, and now I am blogging about Kindergarten instead of spit-up! Time flies.

The Kinder Crazies

I can not believe my baby boy walked through Kindergarten doors today. (sigh)

I didn't cry since I was there with him for the entire two hours he went today, but tomorrow (full day plus bus) will be the big doozy. I keep wondering if he is old enough to do all the things expected of him. The teacher part of my brain scolds the parent part. "Of Course He Is"...and I regress... "but he's my babyyyyyy. He still cuddles with me, and tells me he loves me everyday". I a blink of an eye he will be driving my car I tell ya.

While driving home from school today Rylan asked me if I was sad. He must have saw my face in the mirror when we were discussing being on his own tomorrow. I said something of the sorts that I wished I could shrink him back to baby size. He asked "Did you like me better as a baby". I responded "Of course not, I just don't want to you to grow so quickly and end up moving away from Mommy". He responds, "Don't cry Mom, I am still a little boy". This makes me want to sob because he sounds like a 90 year old man. This kid is such an old soul like his Momma. He then goes on to say, "and I am not moving until I am old with white hair".

It really does go by fast. Which is funny since it is one of the most annoying things a new Mom gets told every 5 seconds.

As a parent it is so hard to let go and let him be. It is hard to trust others in caring for him, and guiding him.

I thought preschool was hard but a school he is mandated to go to is an entirely different concept. He is indeed school aged. This means a. I am old and b. my baby is no longer a baby.

Kindergarten. Harder on the parent then the kid.