I was packing lunches today and sobbing into a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. Concealing myself from wide eyes in the other room-- my mind raced. "Why? How could this happen? How could I be making lunches for my kids today just like parents did a few miles away last Friday unknowing how their lives would change forever? This is a place people move to to raise children and put their kids in exceptional education. We in fact wanted to move to Newtown because of the perfect 10 score they held on great schools.org. How can I leave my two kids today? How can I pretend this is just another day? They say go back to normal and this is NOTHING NORMAL about this--NOTHING!!! It isn't every day a mass murder of children in the school happens in your neighboring town. And yet today I have to let them go to school. I have to put on a brave face. I have to go grocery shopping and do ordinary things I would do on any other day as a Mom. And it SUCKS."
So much of me wants the world to pause for more then a day. I just want it to take in the mass impact this devastating tragedy has on our world. I want us all to go in our corners and grieve. I know this can't happen, I know we have to be "strong", I know the world keeps turning, but I so badly want the axis to come to a screeching halt so we can breathe.
Last Friday I first heard when I was driving and listening on the local radio station that there was an "alleged shooting at Sandy Hook". I pulled into my driveway on two wheels, and ran into my house to turn on the news. There was nothing yet. Not a single person had known it had happened besides a local DJ. Within minutes it started seeping out into the online community. They made it sound small. Just a teacher with a foot injury. Still my heart was in my throat and I texted my dear friend that lives in that exact area. I knew her little girl did not go to that school but I still needed for my own sanity that they were ok. They were. I left to get my daughter at preschool thinking the worst was over.
Lock down. The call came in moment before I pulled up to school. Why were they on lock down if they supposedly had the suspect? Rumors started to spread of a possible second person in a maroon van with the driver in a Nun's costume armed and dangerous. Someone mentioned the principal was dead. The director of the preschool that is part of the one of the main elementary schools yelled out at all of us "get in your cars". None of us wanted to be alone, and thankfully one loving Mom opened her home to the rest of us.
We got to her house to watch the news in horror. In moments it went from a teacher shot in the foot to mass murder. Mass murder that included children connected to the very town I live in, and directly connected to friends in Newtown. All of a sudden it became a media frenzy. All of a sudden the sweet town we had hoped to once move to was national-- world news!
I was unable to retrieve my kids for quite sometime. I knew that until they confirmed the rumors false that they would be in lock down. The moment the lock down was lifted I ran to get both kids at two different schools and hug them until they blurted out "Mom I can't breathe". I told them I loved them about 1,000 times. I thanked the heavens they were safe.
I watched a lot of TV. I cried every moment I sat alone. I could not sleep all night. Our small town innocence was forever lost.
I brought the baby to the doctor the next day and couldn't help but wonder how many patients they had lost. Everywhere I went people had heavy eyes, and heavy hearts. We attended a vigil in town that was so moving and felt so united. The grief was so heavy. I felt I had to go pray in Newtown. And so I did.
The air was different. The moment I crossed the boarder from my town to theirs it was different. I didn't expect this to happen since we are minutes away. The closer we go the heavier it got. I drove by the turn to my friends house and realized three seconds more we would be "at the scene". I could not wrap my head around this fact. The devil had been in her neighborhood and came knocking and thank the good Lord her family wasn't there. I couldn't stop thinking about their grief. I couldn't stop thinking about the wall to wall media trucks, and Anderson Cooper standing in front of me moments from their home. I could not swallow all those teachers and students who went to Heaven in a matter of minutes from them. I then realized their loss.
Here I was thinking I had felt great loss with no comprehension what theirs is. Going into that town made me realize it is REALLY REAL. It isn't just some town on TV anymore. It is this place I have been a million times that my friends live in. This place my daughter went to preschool last year, and that I once went to get my haircut on a regular basis. This place that has had such a massive tragedy that the President of the United States was visiting it.
There are layers to this grieving world it goes like this:
World->Country->State->Surrounding towns/ communities->The town of Newtown->The Sandy Hook Community->The families directly affected
I could never feel what my friends feel, but I know I feel helpless in wanting to take their pain away. I know for as many times out of state friends/family say they know how I feel--they don't. I know for as much as I try to make sense of this I won't. I know for as much as the world wants to me "move on. chin up. carry on. go back to normal." I can't. My life will never go back to early morning Friday December 14, 2012 before 9:30 am. My life will always be affected, remembered, and held tight to that community. The unimaginable has happened and I am forever changed. Forever.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
My Political 2 Cents
One of the beautiful things about being an American is our Freedom of speech and our rights to vote. I can't even imagine living somewhere someone told me how to think, what to believe, and getting dictated how to live life. Living in America and having a voice is a gift we often taken for granted.
This election year really bothered me. I totally respect ones right to voice their opinions but I often felt it teetered on bullying. Political bullying isn't right nor fair. I shouldn't have to defend my choice and my right, against people calling me a baby killer, or that I am going to hell for supporting gay people. I mean really folks, keep it to yourself. The mud slinging, the rants, the name calling on BOTH sides is just exhausting, disgusting, and humiliating on what this country is made of and from.
Personally I woke up this morning not ringing with joyous responses because the person I voted for won, but with hope. Hope that America sees better days in all ways, regardless of who won the election. After interning in politics years ago I learned a valuable lesson-- their is no politician that will support everything you wish. It is a business of people pleasing and quite frankly nobody can please everybody. I expect to be let down, and I also expect to be surprised, humbled, and proud. I can only hope moving forward that religion and state move on as separate entities, as it makes things even more hurtful and divided.
Regardless of who you voted for--and believe me I would feel this way even if it was the person I didn't vote for--we should all be thankful that we live in this country. We should all support our president regardless since he is the leader of this free world. We should respect others opinions and values without name calling. And we should be thankful, especially after such a devastating hurricane, that we are alive.
This election year really bothered me. I totally respect ones right to voice their opinions but I often felt it teetered on bullying. Political bullying isn't right nor fair. I shouldn't have to defend my choice and my right, against people calling me a baby killer, or that I am going to hell for supporting gay people. I mean really folks, keep it to yourself. The mud slinging, the rants, the name calling on BOTH sides is just exhausting, disgusting, and humiliating on what this country is made of and from.
Personally I woke up this morning not ringing with joyous responses because the person I voted for won, but with hope. Hope that America sees better days in all ways, regardless of who won the election. After interning in politics years ago I learned a valuable lesson-- their is no politician that will support everything you wish. It is a business of people pleasing and quite frankly nobody can please everybody. I expect to be let down, and I also expect to be surprised, humbled, and proud. I can only hope moving forward that religion and state move on as separate entities, as it makes things even more hurtful and divided.
Regardless of who you voted for--and believe me I would feel this way even if it was the person I didn't vote for--we should all be thankful that we live in this country. We should all support our president regardless since he is the leader of this free world. We should respect others opinions and values without name calling. And we should be thankful, especially after such a devastating hurricane, that we are alive.
O'Sandy: I am thankful
I am grateful to report that we survived unscathed by Sandy's wrath. She was brutal up here on the east coast. She knocked out, and destroyed large portions of places I used to frequent. She left thousands homeless, babies hungry, humans without a pair a socks to call their own. It is odd to encounter this when you are mere miles away complaining about loss of power.
Don't get me wrong, loss of power for days sucked. I nearly lost my mind with the kids out of school, and not sleeping at home. However, I kept thinking about those forced to live on floors of high school auditoriums with their kids because they had no other options. I rejoiced when my house lit up like a Christmas tree. I wanted to run the dishwasher, vacuum, washing machine, dryer, take a hot shower, bake something in the oven, put every light on, and watch reruns on tv all at the same time. It was clear I would fail at living Amish, or in the 1800's. When I climbed into my own bed, and shut off my light, and chatted to God about how thankful I was for all of this-- I felt guilt.
This is all we had to deal with:
And yet just a car ride away there is this:
It is devastating. I wish I could do more. This past weekend I have made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for people hungry and homeless thanks to Sandy, and pulled out old coats, diapers, formula and toiletries to donate to area businesses making the drive to donate. I am organizing a online Red Cross donation linked with my new Threads business (which I will post when I get things ironed out), and I donated to the Red Cross when they hosted a telethon. Yet I feel I still haven't done enough. I wish I could do more. So I am just in full out prayer mode for now, while teaching my kids the lesson of being thankful for the important things.
My kid lessons included a Thankful Tree for this season to count our blessings on:
And having them decorate the brown bag for the lunches we packed! I think they got the picture of what we should be thankful for. We talked about who we should pray for, and about what is important.
I am so thankful to have just weathered a few days without power. Some folks up here will weather this storm the rest of their lives.
Don't get me wrong, loss of power for days sucked. I nearly lost my mind with the kids out of school, and not sleeping at home. However, I kept thinking about those forced to live on floors of high school auditoriums with their kids because they had no other options. I rejoiced when my house lit up like a Christmas tree. I wanted to run the dishwasher, vacuum, washing machine, dryer, take a hot shower, bake something in the oven, put every light on, and watch reruns on tv all at the same time. It was clear I would fail at living Amish, or in the 1800's. When I climbed into my own bed, and shut off my light, and chatted to God about how thankful I was for all of this-- I felt guilt.
This is all we had to deal with:
And yet just a car ride away there is this:
It is devastating. I wish I could do more. This past weekend I have made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for people hungry and homeless thanks to Sandy, and pulled out old coats, diapers, formula and toiletries to donate to area businesses making the drive to donate. I am organizing a online Red Cross donation linked with my new Threads business (which I will post when I get things ironed out), and I donated to the Red Cross when they hosted a telethon. Yet I feel I still haven't done enough. I wish I could do more. So I am just in full out prayer mode for now, while teaching my kids the lesson of being thankful for the important things.
My kid lessons included a Thankful Tree for this season to count our blessings on:
And having them decorate the brown bag for the lunches we packed! I think they got the picture of what we should be thankful for. We talked about who we should pray for, and about what is important.
I am so thankful to have just weathered a few days without power. Some folks up here will weather this storm the rest of their lives.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sandy Sandy Sandy
I sort of feel like we should all get up and sing "Grease Lightening" or something. Maybe put on poodle skirt? Smack gum? Sing a duet of Summer loven with my husband? Except our version of Sandy in Connecticut is not such a great movie.
I know I should be "prepared". I didn't buy 3,000 gallons of water. Nor did I buy any batteries. I figured if I had wine and a toothbrush I was golden right?
It is hard not to get sucked into the media. I know it is going to be bad. I realize that we could be without power for weeks. I get that Sandy is going to blow real hard. errrrrr.... I mean be windy.
But the hysteria makes people absolutely nuts. I would rather calmly get our shit together, then be running around in panic! I mean a few weeks ago I experienced my first earthquake--granted I was sitting at my dining room table while on the phone with my sister and the table shook a little. I just balked it up to it being possessed until I heard otherwise. A month ago we had tornado warnings that included our home town in the national news! Three months ago we lost power for quite sometime and in the heat of the Summer I was 9 months pregnant and barely able to contain myself from skinny dipping in the kiddie pool outside. Mother natures not a fan of Connecticut lately! Nor does she think Halloween is a worthy holiday.
Last year when we had the snow storm that knocked us flat on our face and living like we were in the 1800's for weeks, my number 1 complaint wasn't bathing--it was Starbucks being closed, and lines to Dunken' hours long. Priorities people! You can take away my ability to shower, or put on a light, but please God don't make me sacrifice my drive thru coffee!
We are off to spend the next few days at my in laws who thankfully decided to upgrade to an all house generator last month! Thank God because I can't imagine sticking it out with a two month old and 2 older kids wanting something to play because they are bored without TV! I am sure once we do regain power my in laws will be just as excited to see us go home as we will be to sleep in our own beds. I hate leaving my house. However, without power, and the good chance that our street will be flooded--we are out. Plus we live in a very wooded area that Sandy is bound to take her fury out on.
So as I sign off-- please stay safe fellow east coasters! Pray for us, and that we weather the storm, and get to see electricity sooner then later.
I know I should be "prepared". I didn't buy 3,000 gallons of water. Nor did I buy any batteries. I figured if I had wine and a toothbrush I was golden right?
It is hard not to get sucked into the media. I know it is going to be bad. I realize that we could be without power for weeks. I get that Sandy is going to blow real hard. errrrrr.... I mean be windy.
But the hysteria makes people absolutely nuts. I would rather calmly get our shit together, then be running around in panic! I mean a few weeks ago I experienced my first earthquake--granted I was sitting at my dining room table while on the phone with my sister and the table shook a little. I just balked it up to it being possessed until I heard otherwise. A month ago we had tornado warnings that included our home town in the national news! Three months ago we lost power for quite sometime and in the heat of the Summer I was 9 months pregnant and barely able to contain myself from skinny dipping in the kiddie pool outside. Mother natures not a fan of Connecticut lately! Nor does she think Halloween is a worthy holiday.
Last year when we had the snow storm that knocked us flat on our face and living like we were in the 1800's for weeks, my number 1 complaint wasn't bathing--it was Starbucks being closed, and lines to Dunken' hours long. Priorities people! You can take away my ability to shower, or put on a light, but please God don't make me sacrifice my drive thru coffee!
We are off to spend the next few days at my in laws who thankfully decided to upgrade to an all house generator last month! Thank God because I can't imagine sticking it out with a two month old and 2 older kids wanting something to play because they are bored without TV! I am sure once we do regain power my in laws will be just as excited to see us go home as we will be to sleep in our own beds. I hate leaving my house. However, without power, and the good chance that our street will be flooded--we are out. Plus we live in a very wooded area that Sandy is bound to take her fury out on.
So as I sign off-- please stay safe fellow east coasters! Pray for us, and that we weather the storm, and get to see electricity sooner then later.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
My new gig!
It is hard for me to imagine the working world after being out of it for so long. Almost 7 years later, I wonder what my life felt like with full time work. I do remember the great gratification of helping others in need, and yearn for it often.
I would never trade in my time at home with my kids, or my yoga pants for that matter. The fact that I continue to be able to do it is a blessing in its self (also a comfy blessing in my yoga pants). However, lately I had dabbled with thinking about volunteering or somehow serving others. I thought I was insane--I mean the time factor of 3 kids and 1 being a newborn is insane and exhausting. And so I just prayed something would move me enough, or feel the pull of needing to do something. I didn't expect it to come so soon!
The following is a excerpt from my other blog to tell you about it!
Recently a dear friend told me about a company her sister in-law co-founded with her two friends after traveling the world and wanting to help. The idea was to help women in underdeveloped countries struggling in poverty by giving them fair trade work. It would also give women in the US job opportunities during our dwindling job availabilities. Women helping women! The women in dire need would hand make jewelry and accessories and sell to this country at a fair trade value. Women here in the US would sell the products to friends and family to support giving the women consistent work, while also paying for their own bills. The idea that a simple bracelet could help save lives spoke to me. The Mena bracelet for instance, is made of gun-metal hand crafted by HIV Ethiopian women needing the work for healthcare. Why buy factory made when you can by something not only handmade, but made by hands that lives depend on that bracelet sale. It moved me. It spoke to me. Now I am knee-deep in it.
I would never trade in my time at home with my kids, or my yoga pants for that matter. The fact that I continue to be able to do it is a blessing in its self (also a comfy blessing in my yoga pants). However, lately I had dabbled with thinking about volunteering or somehow serving others. I thought I was insane--I mean the time factor of 3 kids and 1 being a newborn is insane and exhausting. And so I just prayed something would move me enough, or feel the pull of needing to do something. I didn't expect it to come so soon!
The following is a excerpt from my other blog to tell you about it!
Recently a dear friend told me about a company her sister in-law co-founded with her two friends after traveling the world and wanting to help. The idea was to help women in underdeveloped countries struggling in poverty by giving them fair trade work. It would also give women in the US job opportunities during our dwindling job availabilities. Women helping women! The women in dire need would hand make jewelry and accessories and sell to this country at a fair trade value. Women here in the US would sell the products to friends and family to support giving the women consistent work, while also paying for their own bills. The idea that a simple bracelet could help save lives spoke to me. The Mena bracelet for instance, is made of gun-metal hand crafted by HIV Ethiopian women needing the work for healthcare. Why buy factory made when you can by something not only handmade, but made by hands that lives depend on that bracelet sale. It moved me. It spoke to me. Now I am knee-deep in it.
This is who I am. When I commit myself to something and find passion in it, I want to be the over achiever that leaves a mark of goodness behind. And so, this is my new side business-Threads Worldwide! Selling this amazing stuff via online, home parties, and while doing fantastic fundraising to! It may not be a direct one on one way to save someones life, but the gratification of the work is still there.
(insert commercial voice)
If you are moved to do so, check out their website www.threadsworldwide.com and if you decide to purchase something or have friends and family that would like to, please make sure to put in my referral code “2006-Aimee Dos Santos” in the “referral box” at check out. Like us on Facebook too! And if you are also yearning to do more, you could also join the consulting team! Just ask me how!!!
(end of commercial)
If you are moved to do so, check out their website www.threadsworldwide.com and if you decide to purchase something or have friends and family that would like to, please make sure to put in my referral code “2006-Aimee Dos Santos” in the “referral box” at check out. Like us on Facebook too! And if you are also yearning to do more, you could also join the consulting team! Just ask me how!!!
(end of commercial)
I am so blessed to have yet another prayer answer and to be working for a company focusing on impacting the change in the world, and less about the greed.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I'm In A New York State Of Mind
My New York City self seems so long ago. I have only been gone for 7 years, yet the women I was then is unrecognizable. This makes returning to the city an entirely different experience. Every time I go I miss that person I once was, while loving the fact that the women I am now can bring my children to a place that brought/brings me such incredible joy. I went from single in the city, to Mom of 3 visiting the city, nothing could be more contrast then that!
A few weeks back when we took the older 2 to Times Square we went into Toys R Us. I was shocked to see how massive it was, and even more shocked I had never been inside it. Then the old me reminded the new me, why the heck would my old self ever go into Toys R Us without kids? We also went to a trendy cafeteria type place for a bite to eat that was closer to the fashion district. I would venture to say 99% of the people live/work there. It was the perfect place to eat with kids since it was fast and ran like a fast-food place with gourmet eats. However the crowd was trendy with a capital T. Nobody had kids. We experienced a handful of people cutting us for a table, and when we asked to borrow a chair nobody was using from an adjacent table the guy rolled his eyes at us. For a moment--just that moment--I didn't miss the city. I also wondered if I was so jaded and not understanding of parents with young kids (for the record I most likely was).
Yesterday however, we returned to the area I once lived, this time with all 3 of my kids. Friends of ours were visiting the city and we planned to meet them at Central Park Zoo. We decided to head there early to enjoy such an enchanting Fall day in such a beautiful park. We ate lunch at a small snack shack near the water, people watched, and took in the beauty of the Fall colored trees next to the large backdrop of huge buildings. I kept thinking to myself --nothing compares to this place. This park is where I used to come to gain solace, and keep my mind still in a city that never sleeps. It is where a lot of my roots lay still. I also kept thinking it was the first time I was bringing my newborn to a place I love so much. The kids played on the playgrounds that I never saw before being a Mom. They beamed with joy and so did I. They enjoyed the zoo which has become such a hit since the Madagascar movies. We enjoyed the company of old friends, and a meal. Before we knew it, the lights beamed in the city, and the sun was no longer out.
Walking back to our car while pushing my youngest in the stroller around the same area I lived 7 years ago brought a heavy sadness in my heart. I wished we could just stroll into my old apartment to go to sleep and awake for another day in the city. I wish we could afford city living in many ways. However, I can't imagine living in that city as a 24/7 stroller pusher, especially on the subway or when the weather is bad. Leaving NYC is like leaving my greatest love every single time I go. Days follow with me being sad. It is forever in my blood. The silver lining is we live close enough to visit it all the time, which allows me to have my cake and eat it too, with a house of storage, a car for getting around, and a back yard for my kids to play (all things I would have to sacrifice to live in the city).
There is something to be said about bringing the people you love most in the world to the place you love most:
It brings joy all around.
A few weeks back when we took the older 2 to Times Square we went into Toys R Us. I was shocked to see how massive it was, and even more shocked I had never been inside it. Then the old me reminded the new me, why the heck would my old self ever go into Toys R Us without kids? We also went to a trendy cafeteria type place for a bite to eat that was closer to the fashion district. I would venture to say 99% of the people live/work there. It was the perfect place to eat with kids since it was fast and ran like a fast-food place with gourmet eats. However the crowd was trendy with a capital T. Nobody had kids. We experienced a handful of people cutting us for a table, and when we asked to borrow a chair nobody was using from an adjacent table the guy rolled his eyes at us. For a moment--just that moment--I didn't miss the city. I also wondered if I was so jaded and not understanding of parents with young kids (for the record I most likely was).
Yesterday however, we returned to the area I once lived, this time with all 3 of my kids. Friends of ours were visiting the city and we planned to meet them at Central Park Zoo. We decided to head there early to enjoy such an enchanting Fall day in such a beautiful park. We ate lunch at a small snack shack near the water, people watched, and took in the beauty of the Fall colored trees next to the large backdrop of huge buildings. I kept thinking to myself --nothing compares to this place. This park is where I used to come to gain solace, and keep my mind still in a city that never sleeps. It is where a lot of my roots lay still. I also kept thinking it was the first time I was bringing my newborn to a place I love so much. The kids played on the playgrounds that I never saw before being a Mom. They beamed with joy and so did I. They enjoyed the zoo which has become such a hit since the Madagascar movies. We enjoyed the company of old friends, and a meal. Before we knew it, the lights beamed in the city, and the sun was no longer out.
Walking back to our car while pushing my youngest in the stroller around the same area I lived 7 years ago brought a heavy sadness in my heart. I wished we could just stroll into my old apartment to go to sleep and awake for another day in the city. I wish we could afford city living in many ways. However, I can't imagine living in that city as a 24/7 stroller pusher, especially on the subway or when the weather is bad. Leaving NYC is like leaving my greatest love every single time I go. Days follow with me being sad. It is forever in my blood. The silver lining is we live close enough to visit it all the time, which allows me to have my cake and eat it too, with a house of storage, a car for getting around, and a back yard for my kids to play (all things I would have to sacrifice to live in the city).
There is something to be said about bringing the people you love most in the world to the place you love most:
It brings joy all around.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
3's Company
It has been almost 2 months and it has flown by. Three kids is an insane amount of madness that I just wasn't prepared for. Everyone with 3 or more would make comments like: "adjusting from 1 to 2 is harder" "ah its only an extra plate" "After 2 you can handle 3, 8, 10 kids... its all the same"--- and they are all LIES I tell you LIES. If you don't want to have a moment to even pee by yourself, not enough hands or patience to attend to three little beings, or enough sleep in the world to make you not sleepy--go for number 3! THREE IS HARD people. Really hard.
I am almost 2 months in and finally writing a blog post. You can understand that if one can not even urinate alone that blogging was seemingly out of the question. However, now I have learned to art of putting 2 kids to nap while 1 is in school, to eat ice cream and watch trash tv for a few minutes. Today, however, I cashed in trash tv to be with you and write this post. I will not sacrifice the ice cream however, as it is keeping me sane right now.
So Bennett is a dream. He is a none cryer, sweet love muffin that of course has the dreaded but predicable reflux. So on top of trying to adjust to 3 I am also riding the advocate wagon for my wee baby in pain. He seems to be getting better if we are not in the car and he is gagging 50 times in a ride. There isn't anything worse then hearing him gasping in the back seat while I am driving in the front.
It isn't Bennett that is hard about having 3 kids, it is having 3 kids. Keeping up, and giving them the individual attention I feel they each need is exhausting. I know it will get easier as they get older but for now it has literally taken me six weeks to find a new normal. The new normal includes a lot of sweat pants, coffee, and make-up to cover bagged eyes. It does not include the exercise and counting WW points that it should.
I am thankful to feel half what human again, and that I do have 3 healthy and for the most part, happy kids. I can only imagine it will get easier with time and that these early months will seem so far fetched by next Summer. It is already going by so so quickly. The fact my newborn is about to be 2 months is baffling to me since I feel like I just had him. Since he is starting to look more baby then newborn. You can't relish in the third one like you did you first or second. I just try to steal mini moments of loving him up.
So as I stop and breathe to write this, my house is like a ticking bomb waiting to go off. Any moment now I am going to hear a baby cry, and a door open, and the new normal starts again.
I am almost 2 months in and finally writing a blog post. You can understand that if one can not even urinate alone that blogging was seemingly out of the question. However, now I have learned to art of putting 2 kids to nap while 1 is in school, to eat ice cream and watch trash tv for a few minutes. Today, however, I cashed in trash tv to be with you and write this post. I will not sacrifice the ice cream however, as it is keeping me sane right now.
So Bennett is a dream. He is a none cryer, sweet love muffin that of course has the dreaded but predicable reflux. So on top of trying to adjust to 3 I am also riding the advocate wagon for my wee baby in pain. He seems to be getting better if we are not in the car and he is gagging 50 times in a ride. There isn't anything worse then hearing him gasping in the back seat while I am driving in the front.
It isn't Bennett that is hard about having 3 kids, it is having 3 kids. Keeping up, and giving them the individual attention I feel they each need is exhausting. I know it will get easier as they get older but for now it has literally taken me six weeks to find a new normal. The new normal includes a lot of sweat pants, coffee, and make-up to cover bagged eyes. It does not include the exercise and counting WW points that it should.
I am thankful to feel half what human again, and that I do have 3 healthy and for the most part, happy kids. I can only imagine it will get easier with time and that these early months will seem so far fetched by next Summer. It is already going by so so quickly. The fact my newborn is about to be 2 months is baffling to me since I feel like I just had him. Since he is starting to look more baby then newborn. You can't relish in the third one like you did you first or second. I just try to steal mini moments of loving him up.
So as I stop and breathe to write this, my house is like a ticking bomb waiting to go off. Any moment now I am going to hear a baby cry, and a door open, and the new normal starts again.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
9/11-What I have learned...
Every year I feel like I write the same things and post the same pictures and call it a memorial. In the past I seem to have focused more about the actual person I knew down there that day and less about the experience. What did I learn from experiencing that? How has it changed my life personally?
It was a hard day regardless of knowing someone down in the thick of it. It was a hard day seeing it happen to a city I feel so passionate/full of love about that I almost feel like I birthed it. It was hard day as an American that always thought I was safe on US soil. As a country we lost our innocence that day, and as a person I learned countless of lessons that would impact my life forever.
I remember standing in front of that wall with miles and miles of faces. Many--to many-- were my age at the time in their young twenties. Many didn't live to experience bringing life onto the earth, or get married, or get enough experience to get to their dream job. I vowed to never forget their faces or their families. I vowed to always be thankful for my ability to live life and that the person I knew got out ok.
Today I can honestly say I have come a long long way. For many years this day brought up a number of things-- mainly the frustration that so many loving lives were taken that day, while the person I knew went on living life unscathed, selfish, and abusive to others. A few years ago I even wrote an angry anonymous blog post on another site that shouted this. I was feeling like this person had stolen this day from me. Today, however, I can tell you I am still thankful they survived, as their impact on me at that time in my life could have been dreadful if the outcome had been different. I may not of come out to be the person I am today. I also don't feel anger in my heart. As after doing much soul searching, I realized there is a reason for everything.
The lessons I learned from that day looking at the wall is the reason I have a newborn baby sleeping on my chest. It is the reason I became more faithful to God. It is the reason I try to be a good person, live a full life, and make not only mine-but those around me- dreams come true.
It is why I am forever grateful I am alive....
It was a hard day regardless of knowing someone down in the thick of it. It was a hard day seeing it happen to a city I feel so passionate/full of love about that I almost feel like I birthed it. It was hard day as an American that always thought I was safe on US soil. As a country we lost our innocence that day, and as a person I learned countless of lessons that would impact my life forever.
I remember standing in front of that wall with miles and miles of faces. Many--to many-- were my age at the time in their young twenties. Many didn't live to experience bringing life onto the earth, or get married, or get enough experience to get to their dream job. I vowed to never forget their faces or their families. I vowed to always be thankful for my ability to live life and that the person I knew got out ok.
Today I can honestly say I have come a long long way. For many years this day brought up a number of things-- mainly the frustration that so many loving lives were taken that day, while the person I knew went on living life unscathed, selfish, and abusive to others. A few years ago I even wrote an angry anonymous blog post on another site that shouted this. I was feeling like this person had stolen this day from me. Today, however, I can tell you I am still thankful they survived, as their impact on me at that time in my life could have been dreadful if the outcome had been different. I may not of come out to be the person I am today. I also don't feel anger in my heart. As after doing much soul searching, I realized there is a reason for everything.
The lessons I learned from that day looking at the wall is the reason I have a newborn baby sleeping on my chest. It is the reason I became more faithful to God. It is the reason I try to be a good person, live a full life, and make not only mine-but those around me- dreams come true.
It is why I am forever grateful I am alive....
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Too Sexy For This Dress
The beauty of a new Mom is endless. First you have the baby weight that although is diminishing slowly by day (yey 15lbs down!) you still look like you are in the second trimester. In fact I have found myself running into people who do not know about the birth of Bennett, and saying, "Oh and I had the baby"--just to clarify that now all of this flubber is mine all mine! Then theres the maxi-pads the size of Texas. I mean does anything make you feel more womenly and sexy then a mini diaper? Also the saggy eyes from sleepless nights that scream "even though I am smiling and telling you things are going well--but really this stage SUCKS"!
Well today something happened that would hold grand supreme of sexy new mom status!
While on my first hurrah away from children (grocery shopping), something out of the ordinary happened! Did I brush up against some wet apples? Or maybe it was the mist on the lettuce that struck me? While leaning over produce I learned that even formula fed babies mommas leak during feed times! YIKES! A half wet dress that clearly defined boobage and I was feeling hot! What to do what to do! Do I turn around and go home or do I execute this list as if nothing is happening? I did the latter and prayed I didn't run into anyone I knew.
I did in fact run into someone I knew. A secretary from my OB office and luckily she is used to leaky boobs. I did in fact announce to her I was no longer with child in case she hadn't noticed.
And now I know, I can conquer the world even with a leaky breast.
ps. Today was amazing because my awesome husband took ALL the night shifts last night and I slept 9 hours! I will take a leaky book over sleepless night any day!
Well today something happened that would hold grand supreme of sexy new mom status!
While on my first hurrah away from children (grocery shopping), something out of the ordinary happened! Did I brush up against some wet apples? Or maybe it was the mist on the lettuce that struck me? While leaning over produce I learned that even formula fed babies mommas leak during feed times! YIKES! A half wet dress that clearly defined boobage and I was feeling hot! What to do what to do! Do I turn around and go home or do I execute this list as if nothing is happening? I did the latter and prayed I didn't run into anyone I knew.
I did in fact run into someone I knew. A secretary from my OB office and luckily she is used to leaky boobs. I did in fact announce to her I was no longer with child in case she hadn't noticed.
And now I know, I can conquer the world even with a leaky breast.
ps. Today was amazing because my awesome husband took ALL the night shifts last night and I slept 9 hours! I will take a leaky book over sleepless night any day!
Friday, August 24, 2012
How to survive "Newborn Survival Mode"
You know how they say that your mind forgets the pain of childbirth in order to have another? I think that may be only the tip of the iceberg. What about the sleepless nights? The hormones? The maxipads after 9 months? The recovery? The keeping up with the other kid(s) in order to be a functioning parent? The leaky breasts? The 5 seconds of alone time one has only to pee or shower? And the list goes on. I forgot how hard newborn days are, and surprised on how a matter of being a few years older can make you feel way more of a turtle and less of the rabbit in the race.
So I am searching for ways in order to making this "newborn survival mode" livable. Here is what I got so far:
1. End of the day shower no matter how sleepy you are. This isn't about washing up, or keeping up with with leg hair-- it is souly for the the soul. It is about taking the few minutes you deserve to breathe and be ONLY you for a moment. Regroup, gather your thoughts is solace, and not responsible for a thing other than relaxing yourself.
2. Bad ass music to remind you that you are a bad ass Mother! (or in this case Motha!) What is better then listening to Jay-Z and Kanye rap about surviving the wild while you are doing the same? Sure they may be talking about dodging bullets and danger on the streets-- but us newborn Motha's can relate! At the end of the day we are wiping our forheads thinking -- We survived another day! Bad ass music helps make the Mother STRONG! Perhaps hospitals should toss some rap music into the formula bags upon leaving! My favorite line of bad ass music comes from No Doubt's new single Settle Down: "I'm a rough and tough, I'm a rough and tough, and nothings gonna knock this girl down"
3. Vodka anyone? I have ventured down this road yet but is sounds good! Especially after not having a fruity beverage all Summer, and watching Pete enjoy them in Bermuda while I sipped on water! I imagine it would help though don't you think?
4. Find the silver lining. This is so hard with weepy hormones, and no sleep, but their is always one. Perhaps just the idea that you brought new life into the world and it should be cherished.
I feel a bit under water struggling to swim on, but on most days I am able to pop my head up to breathe even if it is for a moment. I am blessed with so much, and just need to find a place that I can join the rest of the human race while adjusting to my new life. In the meantime, while I work on this transition, I am relishing in this baby that is my last. There is something to be said when you permanently do something to your body to close up shop that makes you see the final chapter in a story you had been writing for years. Bennett adores his Mom. I can't stop holding him. I can't believe he is not only our surprise baby but our last one. Not all of survival mode stinks. Certainly not his baby love!
So I am searching for ways in order to making this "newborn survival mode" livable. Here is what I got so far:
1. End of the day shower no matter how sleepy you are. This isn't about washing up, or keeping up with with leg hair-- it is souly for the the soul. It is about taking the few minutes you deserve to breathe and be ONLY you for a moment. Regroup, gather your thoughts is solace, and not responsible for a thing other than relaxing yourself.
2. Bad ass music to remind you that you are a bad ass Mother! (or in this case Motha!) What is better then listening to Jay-Z and Kanye rap about surviving the wild while you are doing the same? Sure they may be talking about dodging bullets and danger on the streets-- but us newborn Motha's can relate! At the end of the day we are wiping our forheads thinking -- We survived another day! Bad ass music helps make the Mother STRONG! Perhaps hospitals should toss some rap music into the formula bags upon leaving! My favorite line of bad ass music comes from No Doubt's new single Settle Down: "I'm a rough and tough, I'm a rough and tough, and nothings gonna knock this girl down"
3. Vodka anyone? I have ventured down this road yet but is sounds good! Especially after not having a fruity beverage all Summer, and watching Pete enjoy them in Bermuda while I sipped on water! I imagine it would help though don't you think?
4. Find the silver lining. This is so hard with weepy hormones, and no sleep, but their is always one. Perhaps just the idea that you brought new life into the world and it should be cherished.
I feel a bit under water struggling to swim on, but on most days I am able to pop my head up to breathe even if it is for a moment. I am blessed with so much, and just need to find a place that I can join the rest of the human race while adjusting to my new life. In the meantime, while I work on this transition, I am relishing in this baby that is my last. There is something to be said when you permanently do something to your body to close up shop that makes you see the final chapter in a story you had been writing for years. Bennett adores his Mom. I can't stop holding him. I can't believe he is not only our surprise baby but our last one. Not all of survival mode stinks. Certainly not his baby love!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Little Blessed One
Bennett Gardiner Dos Santos Born August 16, 2012 weighing 7lbs 10 oz and 20 1/2 inches long! His name was found at the early stages of conception when my oldest came home declaring he wanted a baby named "Benny". I wanted to find a name that meant something God intended since it was such a Christmas surprise for us! One day I came up with the name Bennett unknowingly of its meaning. When I looked it up it meant "Little Blessed One" and I knew it was perfect. We didn't commit to the name in case it didn't fit him, but when he came out I knew he was indeed a little blessed one:
Already a lover of a paci:
And already a handsome young fellow:
Way more pictures to come :-) We are already madly in love!
Already a lover of a paci:
And already a handsome young fellow:
Way more pictures to come :-) We are already madly in love!
Labor Of Love
I have spent many hot humid days this Summer hoping for an early delivery. I couldn't imagine making it to my scheduled c-section date. I was uncomfortable, and barely able to walk, sleep, or eat. Every time I went into the doctors office I would hope she had something to tell me that included "show time", but typical of my past babies all I got was, "nothing yet", after check up's. I surrendered to this fact. I even went into the hospital for blood pressure concerns knowing for sure that "today wasn't the day". I had to wait.
I was woken up this past Wednesday night with sharp pain. I kept thinking oh great now on top of everything else I am going to have false labor for the grand finale of my finals days. I was scheduled for my c-section on Monday, and although that seemed to the "normal" person to be soon, for me in seemed like it was months away. I kept trying to lull myself back to sleep in between pain and squeeze. I kept thinking why must I have Braxton Hicks like this in the middle of the night? And then I started to realize that they were coming consistently and strong. Seven hours later, they were still ten minutes apart, and getting stronger and stronger.
On our way to the hospital Pete and I discussed that we would probably be making a quick turn around after being sent home. It was a clear sky, bright blue, early 70 degree day, and I said "Although today is a perfect day to have a baby". In triage my contractions calmed down but came on so strong I could not speak. I never had this experience before and figured it was a matter of time I would be home having to deal with it alone again. They checked me and I went from being completely closed days before to being 1cm. Normally this would make the average women cry since it is barely anything for a whole lot of pain. However for us "must have c-section" ladies it meant GO time! This however meant major surgery with a OBGYN I didn't know!
Apparently my declaration of it being a great day to have a baby was true! Everyone was having babies that day! After and epidural and waiting for the OR to be available, I slowly came to terms with the fact I was in fact having a baby that day. After being home for 10 hours of labor I thought was false, I wondered how my body would take major surgery.
Surgery was supposed to take 45 minutes. The first hour went by and then I heard his cry. I cried. And for the first time they actually let me HOLD the baby on me for a bit before he went to the nursery! I couldn't believe I brought life into this world again. I also thought about the fact it would be the last. As I was getting my tubes tied that day for a variety of reasons, but mainly because of my health. Apparently this was the best choice I have made, since the surgery went on to be a hard one. I never realized how much your party takes a toll with every c-section that you have. I had so much scar tissue that connected to organs that this 45 min. surgery took 2 hours. The last hour without a baby or a husband it the room was excruciating. Knowing that it was taking long, hearing whispers of how "bad" it was in there, and over all getting worried about getting out of this alive, I became anxious. I prayed hard, and tried to calm down. Having a doctor that I didn't know didn't make it any easier. Luckily while in recovery I realized I would be ok, and the doctor assured me this could never happen again without consequence. And so the end of my baby making journey begun. With God's grace, I made it through, and can now enjoy my three kids!
I love that my sweet baby boy decided to choose his birthday! He also decided to let his Mom know what "REAL" labor is all about! He is perfect. And although the day was a rocky "hail Mary" road, we both came out kicking and screaming.
I was woken up this past Wednesday night with sharp pain. I kept thinking oh great now on top of everything else I am going to have false labor for the grand finale of my finals days. I was scheduled for my c-section on Monday, and although that seemed to the "normal" person to be soon, for me in seemed like it was months away. I kept trying to lull myself back to sleep in between pain and squeeze. I kept thinking why must I have Braxton Hicks like this in the middle of the night? And then I started to realize that they were coming consistently and strong. Seven hours later, they were still ten minutes apart, and getting stronger and stronger.
On our way to the hospital Pete and I discussed that we would probably be making a quick turn around after being sent home. It was a clear sky, bright blue, early 70 degree day, and I said "Although today is a perfect day to have a baby". In triage my contractions calmed down but came on so strong I could not speak. I never had this experience before and figured it was a matter of time I would be home having to deal with it alone again. They checked me and I went from being completely closed days before to being 1cm. Normally this would make the average women cry since it is barely anything for a whole lot of pain. However for us "must have c-section" ladies it meant GO time! This however meant major surgery with a OBGYN I didn't know!
Apparently my declaration of it being a great day to have a baby was true! Everyone was having babies that day! After and epidural and waiting for the OR to be available, I slowly came to terms with the fact I was in fact having a baby that day. After being home for 10 hours of labor I thought was false, I wondered how my body would take major surgery.
Surgery was supposed to take 45 minutes. The first hour went by and then I heard his cry. I cried. And for the first time they actually let me HOLD the baby on me for a bit before he went to the nursery! I couldn't believe I brought life into this world again. I also thought about the fact it would be the last. As I was getting my tubes tied that day for a variety of reasons, but mainly because of my health. Apparently this was the best choice I have made, since the surgery went on to be a hard one. I never realized how much your party takes a toll with every c-section that you have. I had so much scar tissue that connected to organs that this 45 min. surgery took 2 hours. The last hour without a baby or a husband it the room was excruciating. Knowing that it was taking long, hearing whispers of how "bad" it was in there, and over all getting worried about getting out of this alive, I became anxious. I prayed hard, and tried to calm down. Having a doctor that I didn't know didn't make it any easier. Luckily while in recovery I realized I would be ok, and the doctor assured me this could never happen again without consequence. And so the end of my baby making journey begun. With God's grace, I made it through, and can now enjoy my three kids!
I love that my sweet baby boy decided to choose his birthday! He also decided to let his Mom know what "REAL" labor is all about! He is perfect. And although the day was a rocky "hail Mary" road, we both came out kicking and screaming.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Summer 2012 Thus Far
This Summer has been less eventful then those of the past. Our usual trips to Sesame Place, and a week at a beach house in Rhode Island got over shadowed with end of pregnancy. We missed the old usual thing, but we still managed to find some fun things to do! Here are some pics from the Summer thus far:
Our 1 and only trip to the actual beach in RI:
Addie bringing beach hair pony tails into fashion
Cousins at the beach!
(yes that is a wardrobe change as Addison got wayyyyy to sandy)
We were lucky enough to be able to stay with my grandparents at their beach house for a night as a last vacation before baby! The kids loved it! They went crab hunting, and enjoyed having some fresh salt air!
Rylan and his Dad waiting for the Block Island Ferry to pass by!
And with Mom!
Looking for boaters out on the pond at my grandparents!
Check out all of the crabs!
We love this place!
They got an AWESOME birthday gift from both sides of our family- grandparents. This has provided tons of Summer fun with friends!
We also managed to get some swimming done!!
We have had lots of outdoor fun:
And managed to have two birthday for two June bugs:
And now we await the arrival of our 3rd Summer baby! Not a June Bug but close enough! :-)
Where I am at: Baby TRES
Poor #3 is already being neglected by this blog! Someday my other two will have piles of posts to reflect their baby lives, and number 3 is going to be all: "you forgot me". Sorry kid Mommy has been very busy. I need to return to being a better blogger-- maybe in 5 years when all the kids are in school and will no longer need me to wipe them! Even then I am not making any promises! Until then this is what I got...
Right now I look similar to this (although this picture was taken 2 weeks ago and I swear I have gained about 2 inches all around since:
This was taken when the husband and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary! 3 kids in 7 years! Yikes! Prime reason to get some tubes tied I think!
Over all I would give my self an A for kicking ass this pregnancy. I haven't let it slow me down for the most part, nor have I turned into a human Macy's Thanksgiving Day Balloon. Let's face it- last two they could have flown me up over Central Park and I would have covered the joint. This time--even at 37 weeks-- I might only cover the upper-east side quarter of it! For that I bow (if I could) as a job well done.
I thought I would make it through my entire pregnancy without a stranger feeling my belly up. I almost did. Then I got a pedicure yesterday and lovely old lady just jumped at the chance to rub me like a magic genie would pop out. All I could think about was the amount of people that actually KNOW me that would loving nothing more then poke at my belly and haven't. She blessed me and all but I still felt a bit invaded. As for the pedicure-it was perfect. I kept getting glimpses of my feet these past few days and I kept imagining being on the operating table with claw toes, and dirty heels! EWWW I couldn't do it. I made it a priority. And now baby can come since Mommy has clean feet. (I know this makes no sense but mind you I am writing for hormonal crazy brain!)
Speaking of crazy brain. I dusted things in this house I have never dusted before since we moved in 4 years ago! My loving sister and her family supported this crazy brain with an early baby present: a gift certificate for a house cleaning! Is that not the absolute BEST baby gift ever!!!!
And so we are at the waiting game. C-section scheduled for Aug.20 - but crazy active baby has been keeping me on my toes. I spent the entire weekend counting contractions and feeling complete hell after he decided to move head down. The next day just as I was packing my hospital bag, he turned back to being a comfortable side-ways position again! Who does that at this last stage!! Doesn't he want out like I want him out? Dr. says he is already a hefty size, and she also warned that baby #3 are "like this". You feel more, which is strange to me, since with my last 2 I never contracted for more then a minute.
Now that I am on less then two weeks, and I over heard a girl making an appointment for Aug. 22 at the nail salon making me realize my baby will be at least 2 days old by the time she comes back to get her nails filled, it is suddenly REAL. I am about to have 3 kids. For the love of Kanye and all that is Kardashian I can only hope I keep my sanity.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
3 Times A Charm?
Wow. Holy heat batman. (and this Summer Spiderman too) Normally I am a sensitive person to humidity and heat but as a dancing on 9 months pregnant women--for-getta-bout-it!
So everyone in the house is on the brink of pulling out Winter coats while I am almost naked in the beefed up central air. The kiddie pool out back has been my safe haven and has been used more then once for only my behind. I have thought about putting my bras in the freezer (my sister and I once came up with this idea thinking it would make us millions). And I purposely walk close to peoples sprinklers that are on because walking/waddling in beaming sun just makes me feel like a sweating elephant.
I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror with a swim suit on as I can't exactly get to "places" that need attention on a women. All I do know is that the hair on my legs that I am thinking about braiding for extra excitement. Just kidding--I am making do with a blind eye, fingers crossed, and hoping I don't offend the public. However, looky here peeps-- I am days away from 34 weeks and in desperation of keeping my body and sanity cool--I could careless about my blind eye mishaps. Just be thankful this is NOT you! (The YMCA this week is gonna love me!)
I figured out I am an all out psycho this time round. I overbooked myself in hopes times will go by quicker, and I even thought having a yard sale in 90 degree heat was a fantastic idea! Next week I not only drop my son off to the local school for half of a day, I also bring my daughter to swim class in the a.m., and then return there AGAIN for my son at the end of the day. A full day all week of dropping off, picking up, and in the heat of the heated pool area watching swim class not once but TWICE a day! I know you are so jealous.
We are on our last leg of house renovations. Our new bedroom, and Addison's new Pepto Bismol pink room is finished and organized. The baby's room is painted, and we are hopeful to be finished by the end of this weekend. Next up is the mountain of baby clothes to launder, and baby gear to organize. Soon--very soon--our home will no longer be filled with boxes in unwanted places, and we will be able to breathe. Plus the smell of Dreft baby detergent will be up in this joint but that also means sleepless nights are in our near future.
As for the baby--poor thing hasn't has nearly as many blog posts about him. I think he might already be feeling like the dreaded "3rd child". He is acting up like crazy. He is my crazy active one. Neither pregnancies before had constant moving child syndrome. This child can literally keep me up all night, and even when I am moving and supposed to be lulling him to sleep--homeboy is up in the joint and is half python half gecko! I swear the kid is climbing and squeezing up into my esophagus these days! However, there were a few worries--one after my fall that included falling over said boxes in random places thanks to insane pregnant women having a yard sale in her last trimester, and the other just because he decided to act up. The first after the fall I spent a night with horrible contractions that would not go away and I thought for sure it was gonna be it. The second he wasn't moving as much, and after being monitored for over 2 hours, found out he slept through most of it. This baby NEVER sleeps I swear! All in all he is fine, and we are just getting through it day by day.
The things I can't believe are: I can still wear my wedding ring, some of my maternity clothes are to big for me, and I don't have kankle ankles yet! The things I am dreading is the day to day exhaustion. It is literally like crawling to the finish line every single day that passes. I am starting to use quotes that I taught drug rehabers back in the day to get through the day--just to make it through. I realize on this last leg of the race I can only do one activity in the morning (next week should be fun!), and then I have to sleep in the afternoon. If not I am dreaded zombie.
As for the crazy hormones-they are in full affect. As I was crying the other day for no apparent reasons, my husband asks, "Whats wrong?", and my only response was "I am pregnant". Moments prior I was fine and smiling. WACKY!
So as I relish in this last time round (because Momma is closing shop after this one), I am looking forward to feeling normal again sometime in the year 2015! I can't wait to have my body back to myself but yet I can wait for sleepless nights to happen. I must remember--really the worst of it is the first year-- and it is also the best with sweet baby snuggles.
Now that this post is ending it is my cue for a pint of Ben & Jerry's because after all-- these eating days are numbered too.
So everyone in the house is on the brink of pulling out Winter coats while I am almost naked in the beefed up central air. The kiddie pool out back has been my safe haven and has been used more then once for only my behind. I have thought about putting my bras in the freezer (my sister and I once came up with this idea thinking it would make us millions). And I purposely walk close to peoples sprinklers that are on because walking/waddling in beaming sun just makes me feel like a sweating elephant.
I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror with a swim suit on as I can't exactly get to "places" that need attention on a women. All I do know is that the hair on my legs that I am thinking about braiding for extra excitement. Just kidding--I am making do with a blind eye, fingers crossed, and hoping I don't offend the public. However, looky here peeps-- I am days away from 34 weeks and in desperation of keeping my body and sanity cool--I could careless about my blind eye mishaps. Just be thankful this is NOT you! (The YMCA this week is gonna love me!)
I figured out I am an all out psycho this time round. I overbooked myself in hopes times will go by quicker, and I even thought having a yard sale in 90 degree heat was a fantastic idea! Next week I not only drop my son off to the local school for half of a day, I also bring my daughter to swim class in the a.m., and then return there AGAIN for my son at the end of the day. A full day all week of dropping off, picking up, and in the heat of the heated pool area watching swim class not once but TWICE a day! I know you are so jealous.
We are on our last leg of house renovations. Our new bedroom, and Addison's new Pepto Bismol pink room is finished and organized. The baby's room is painted, and we are hopeful to be finished by the end of this weekend. Next up is the mountain of baby clothes to launder, and baby gear to organize. Soon--very soon--our home will no longer be filled with boxes in unwanted places, and we will be able to breathe. Plus the smell of Dreft baby detergent will be up in this joint but that also means sleepless nights are in our near future.
As for the baby--poor thing hasn't has nearly as many blog posts about him. I think he might already be feeling like the dreaded "3rd child". He is acting up like crazy. He is my crazy active one. Neither pregnancies before had constant moving child syndrome. This child can literally keep me up all night, and even when I am moving and supposed to be lulling him to sleep--homeboy is up in the joint and is half python half gecko! I swear the kid is climbing and squeezing up into my esophagus these days! However, there were a few worries--one after my fall that included falling over said boxes in random places thanks to insane pregnant women having a yard sale in her last trimester, and the other just because he decided to act up. The first after the fall I spent a night with horrible contractions that would not go away and I thought for sure it was gonna be it. The second he wasn't moving as much, and after being monitored for over 2 hours, found out he slept through most of it. This baby NEVER sleeps I swear! All in all he is fine, and we are just getting through it day by day.
The things I can't believe are: I can still wear my wedding ring, some of my maternity clothes are to big for me, and I don't have kankle ankles yet! The things I am dreading is the day to day exhaustion. It is literally like crawling to the finish line every single day that passes. I am starting to use quotes that I taught drug rehabers back in the day to get through the day--just to make it through. I realize on this last leg of the race I can only do one activity in the morning (next week should be fun!), and then I have to sleep in the afternoon. If not I am dreaded zombie.
As for the crazy hormones-they are in full affect. As I was crying the other day for no apparent reasons, my husband asks, "Whats wrong?", and my only response was "I am pregnant". Moments prior I was fine and smiling. WACKY!
So as I relish in this last time round (because Momma is closing shop after this one), I am looking forward to feeling normal again sometime in the year 2015! I can't wait to have my body back to myself but yet I can wait for sleepless nights to happen. I must remember--really the worst of it is the first year-- and it is also the best with sweet baby snuggles.
Now that this post is ending it is my cue for a pint of Ben & Jerry's because after all-- these eating days are numbered too.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
6 Years Ago I Was Made A Mom
Yesterday I snuck out onto the deck to find my sweet boy sitting in a patio chair looking up in the sky and relishing in it. I found it funny since this is often what I would be found doing if someone where to sneak up on me when I am alone and soaking it all in. I just wouldn't have expected it from a kid living his last day on earth as a five year old. Just in a moments time a butterfly landed on his knee. He didn't know I was behind him, nor did he say a thing. He just looked away from the sky to the butterfly admiring it, and being in silence. I would have guessed he would have called out for me to see, but instead it took the moment in for himself. Little did he know I took it in too.
I think about the moment I first held him in my arms and the way my world shifted. I went from selfish to selfless in a matter of minutes. I could not gather in words the amount of emotion that flows over you when you suddenly become a think called Mom. Your only wish suddenly becomes to carry them through life in a way that is safe and happy. Once out of the womb the easy part of the safety is over, and suddenly you are forced into a lifetime of worry.
I worried about him a lot thus far. I worried when he was 3 months and stopped breathing on me and I had to resuscitate him. I worried the amount of vomit that came out of him from birth thanks to a severe case of GERD and allergies. I worried about his consistant ear infections that led to hearing loss for a while. I worried about lack of speech, and milestones. I worried about special ed programs and labels. I worried--I worry... it is my life.
I will always hope to be a better parent while doing my best. Even in the moments I know I can turn scary or ugly--I hope there comes a time I can find myself rise above it. I hope no matter what kind of day we are having that my kid can go to sleep at night feeling loved, and safe. I hope someday they will be able to hold their child in their arms for the first time and know exactly the meaning of this post.
I started this blog with the soul premise of documenting Rylan. Little did I know that years later it would become an all encompassing one that included not only my journey through Motherhood (and two other babies!), but also the steps of my own personal journey.
My eldest turned 6 today. The child that was born blessed to us, and made us the best of who we are: Parents. He is the most loving, old-soul, sensitive, kid I know. He worries about others before him, and takes care of the world around him without being asked to do so. He questions life, he seeks out God, and he relishes in the little things that makes ones journey a special one.
There is only one him in the world, and I am so blessed to have "grown" him, birthed him, and raised him thus far.
Happy Birthday Rylan. Our love for you is endless.
I think about the moment I first held him in my arms and the way my world shifted. I went from selfish to selfless in a matter of minutes. I could not gather in words the amount of emotion that flows over you when you suddenly become a think called Mom. Your only wish suddenly becomes to carry them through life in a way that is safe and happy. Once out of the womb the easy part of the safety is over, and suddenly you are forced into a lifetime of worry.
I worried about him a lot thus far. I worried when he was 3 months and stopped breathing on me and I had to resuscitate him. I worried the amount of vomit that came out of him from birth thanks to a severe case of GERD and allergies. I worried about his consistant ear infections that led to hearing loss for a while. I worried about lack of speech, and milestones. I worried about special ed programs and labels. I worried--I worry... it is my life.
I will always hope to be a better parent while doing my best. Even in the moments I know I can turn scary or ugly--I hope there comes a time I can find myself rise above it. I hope no matter what kind of day we are having that my kid can go to sleep at night feeling loved, and safe. I hope someday they will be able to hold their child in their arms for the first time and know exactly the meaning of this post.
I started this blog with the soul premise of documenting Rylan. Little did I know that years later it would become an all encompassing one that included not only my journey through Motherhood (and two other babies!), but also the steps of my own personal journey.
My eldest turned 6 today. The child that was born blessed to us, and made us the best of who we are: Parents. He is the most loving, old-soul, sensitive, kid I know. He worries about others before him, and takes care of the world around him without being asked to do so. He questions life, he seeks out God, and he relishes in the little things that makes ones journey a special one.
There is only one him in the world, and I am so blessed to have "grown" him, birthed him, and raised him thus far.
Happy Birthday Rylan. Our love for you is endless.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Milestone
Today might have seemed just ordinary to most but to me it was stirring with new beginnings for me. I was having one of those days where my head danced in the clouds thinking about the future and how far we have come.
My beloved first born completed Kindergarten. The same son I wrote about countless amounts of time on here full of worry. In the early stages of birth to three I was not only scared about what might come, but I was wreck about guessing my "skills" as a parent. Was I doing enough for him? Was I enough? I worried about labels he may be called for the rest of his life, and things not working for him. I worried I gave him the "bad gene" of being held back in school and battling learning disabilities as it was an uphill battle for me as a kid. Like any Mother, I just wanted to see him go unscathed.
Kindergarten is a big hug deal now a days. It is no longer coloring a picture of the letter A, it is writing the A, it is A sight words you need to read, and so on and so forth. The memory most of us have as Kindergartners are now what our 3 yr old preschoolers are doing, and even that is more labor intensive. Kindergarten is now the foundation to everything that education stands on. It is where our kids are learning to read, write, and learn the foundations of math. It is also a place for us parents who have a kid in the special education, that they gain a full out diagnosis in order to continue in the program.
I loathed the idea of a diagnosis since the moment birth to three came in and mentioned this day would come. It hung over my Mothering heart like a big weighted paper weight. The number of times I had diagnosed people prior to kids was endless. Never once did I consider what that diagnosis meant to a close family member. The lump it leaves in a throat, and the definition that is suddenly incaptures someone you love.
Lucky for me his diagnosis wasn't anything worrisome, surprising, or any of those "scary" words all Moms worry about hearing. However, let me tell you, after experiencing this journey on my own I will never "label" anyone without careful consideration about all the facts, and the appropriate way to deliver it. I also have gained so much more respect for sitting those of us sitting on the other side of the table from the team of people that make that call. For whatever the diagnosis is, big or small, we are all in the same boat. Worried. Scared. And a Mom.
My son struggled, fought, and worked hard to get where he is today. He still does. So when today came --the last day of Kindergarten-- and he met his first grade teacher, I could see in his face the pure joy he had in himself in his accomplishments. I dug through his bag of stuff and came across a reward he won at school that was for "Most Improved Writing", and I wanted to sit and sob over it. To the school it might just be a piece of paper and a nice way to recognize a kid. To me it is years of work and worry. A moment the school did not let me into to see him receive it. A moment I rallied for the kid since age 2 and missed. I never in my greatest dreams thought I would be omitted from something so vital. Regardless of this never ending fight... he did it. I am so proud of him.
Moving on to first grade wasn't the only life changer today! Today I found out the exact day we will be welcoming our next boy into this world (if all goes as scheduled). How far we have come since baby #1 to baby #3. It is immeasurable. What I know for sure is the worry never goes away, but your skills to be your child's advocate, and point person just get refined.
I will always have my head in the clouds dreaming big for my kids. Since having them, I will always have the same for others children as well.
My beloved first born completed Kindergarten. The same son I wrote about countless amounts of time on here full of worry. In the early stages of birth to three I was not only scared about what might come, but I was wreck about guessing my "skills" as a parent. Was I doing enough for him? Was I enough? I worried about labels he may be called for the rest of his life, and things not working for him. I worried I gave him the "bad gene" of being held back in school and battling learning disabilities as it was an uphill battle for me as a kid. Like any Mother, I just wanted to see him go unscathed.
Kindergarten is a big hug deal now a days. It is no longer coloring a picture of the letter A, it is writing the A, it is A sight words you need to read, and so on and so forth. The memory most of us have as Kindergartners are now what our 3 yr old preschoolers are doing, and even that is more labor intensive. Kindergarten is now the foundation to everything that education stands on. It is where our kids are learning to read, write, and learn the foundations of math. It is also a place for us parents who have a kid in the special education, that they gain a full out diagnosis in order to continue in the program.
I loathed the idea of a diagnosis since the moment birth to three came in and mentioned this day would come. It hung over my Mothering heart like a big weighted paper weight. The number of times I had diagnosed people prior to kids was endless. Never once did I consider what that diagnosis meant to a close family member. The lump it leaves in a throat, and the definition that is suddenly incaptures someone you love.
Lucky for me his diagnosis wasn't anything worrisome, surprising, or any of those "scary" words all Moms worry about hearing. However, let me tell you, after experiencing this journey on my own I will never "label" anyone without careful consideration about all the facts, and the appropriate way to deliver it. I also have gained so much more respect for sitting those of us sitting on the other side of the table from the team of people that make that call. For whatever the diagnosis is, big or small, we are all in the same boat. Worried. Scared. And a Mom.
My son struggled, fought, and worked hard to get where he is today. He still does. So when today came --the last day of Kindergarten-- and he met his first grade teacher, I could see in his face the pure joy he had in himself in his accomplishments. I dug through his bag of stuff and came across a reward he won at school that was for "Most Improved Writing", and I wanted to sit and sob over it. To the school it might just be a piece of paper and a nice way to recognize a kid. To me it is years of work and worry. A moment the school did not let me into to see him receive it. A moment I rallied for the kid since age 2 and missed. I never in my greatest dreams thought I would be omitted from something so vital. Regardless of this never ending fight... he did it. I am so proud of him.
Moving on to first grade wasn't the only life changer today! Today I found out the exact day we will be welcoming our next boy into this world (if all goes as scheduled). How far we have come since baby #1 to baby #3. It is immeasurable. What I know for sure is the worry never goes away, but your skills to be your child's advocate, and point person just get refined.
I will always have my head in the clouds dreaming big for my kids. Since having them, I will always have the same for others children as well.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
3 Years Today=Addison
Three years ago I sat holding the new life that help bring into the world wondering what name fit her. The name we originally planned on just didn't fit her, and so she lived a few hours of her life nameless. Luckily this is not your typical Jane Doe story as she was so well intended and so loved. We just couldn't find the name that fit her.
Finally it came to us. A name that was on our short list but hadn't expected it to jump to the top. I Facebook statused her name with a disclosure that it might change. Even in a moment of naming her we questioned it. Yet someone three years later I couldn't imagine having named her anything else.
The road to her life was a tricky one on my part. Fertility issues were an uphill, lonely, battle that would secretly whisper the "your broken" in the middle of the night. My insecurities convinced me I would only be a Mom to one. Although blessed with one, I so wanted more. Lucky for me in those dark hours my prayers were answered and she was created.
I couldn't have made her better. She still makes me weak. She loves life on her own terms, and isn't one that I will have to worry about needing to be taken care of. Watching her in frilly girl outfits never grows old, and her pigtails define exactly who she is. She is Addison. Today Addison is three.
Three years ago I sat holding her and thinking this would be the last baby I would bring to this earth. Jokes on me--as I sit here 29 weeks pregnant with her baby brother. It is hard to believe my sweet Addison soon will no longer be my baby, but my middle child. My middle child that will always demand to be heard, and valued.
I couldn't love her more. I am so lucky to be her Mom.
Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl! It is hard to believe it has been that long since the first moment we met!
Finally it came to us. A name that was on our short list but hadn't expected it to jump to the top. I Facebook statused her name with a disclosure that it might change. Even in a moment of naming her we questioned it. Yet someone three years later I couldn't imagine having named her anything else.
The road to her life was a tricky one on my part. Fertility issues were an uphill, lonely, battle that would secretly whisper the "your broken" in the middle of the night. My insecurities convinced me I would only be a Mom to one. Although blessed with one, I so wanted more. Lucky for me in those dark hours my prayers were answered and she was created.
I couldn't have made her better. She still makes me weak. She loves life on her own terms, and isn't one that I will have to worry about needing to be taken care of. Watching her in frilly girl outfits never grows old, and her pigtails define exactly who she is. She is Addison. Today Addison is three.
Three years ago I sat holding her and thinking this would be the last baby I would bring to this earth. Jokes on me--as I sit here 29 weeks pregnant with her baby brother. It is hard to believe my sweet Addison soon will no longer be my baby, but my middle child. My middle child that will always demand to be heard, and valued.
I couldn't love her more. I am so lucky to be her Mom.
Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl! It is hard to believe it has been that long since the first moment we met!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Chuck E Cheese Nightmare
It is true. Chuck E Cheese almost did me in today. I am quite convinced that hell looks similar to that place! Imagine being stuck there forever! Total forever inferno.
Rylan loved the fact he got to spend 2 hours feasting on its insanity with his friends. As he is on the threshold of being 6 years old of course he would love nothing more. I was excited that all I had to do was show up, but then once there it felt like 2 hours of adult torture!
Rylan wasn't the only party there and it was chaos! I felt I couldn't leave the table where the gifts and personal items were. After being practically chained to the area, the party was about to come to an end. Phew. I thought--I survived! Until I realized my 2 yr old was roaming the game room without a watchful eye. I should have known better seeing as my husband was busy putting stuff in the car (they pressured us to get out ASAP) and their grandfather was with the birthday boy. So I rushed to her, and she was fine. Lucky for me Chuck E has tight security with their stamps. However--being unleashed from the booth that held the rest of our belongs and 5 minutes past the final hour, I noticed a few employees taking my stuff away to TOSS! I had to then LEAVE Addie alone again (with a don't move a muscle from here look) and RUN my pregnant butt back to the table I had been chained to all day. They barely apologized, and since I had already paid the bill apparently manners did not matter! I had to stand in the corner waiting for my husband to help, carrying a cake and a bunch of goodie bags because they couldn't give me a place to put the stuff. Are you freaken kidding me?
So there is my rant. I am going to complain. I should note this came on the heels of me complaining (pre-bill) to the manager that I called a few days ago with questions and never heard back. His sweet apology included "It is my fault I never checked my voice mail". Stellar Chuck E Cheese stellar.
Needless to say I am relieved to be home. Even more so that the central air is pumping, and bedtime is nearing. Somehow I have visions of a big party rat dancing in my head. Starting tomorrow I am going to be a better person with the intention to never have to return to that place again.
Rylan loved the fact he got to spend 2 hours feasting on its insanity with his friends. As he is on the threshold of being 6 years old of course he would love nothing more. I was excited that all I had to do was show up, but then once there it felt like 2 hours of adult torture!
Rylan wasn't the only party there and it was chaos! I felt I couldn't leave the table where the gifts and personal items were. After being practically chained to the area, the party was about to come to an end. Phew. I thought--I survived! Until I realized my 2 yr old was roaming the game room without a watchful eye. I should have known better seeing as my husband was busy putting stuff in the car (they pressured us to get out ASAP) and their grandfather was with the birthday boy. So I rushed to her, and she was fine. Lucky for me Chuck E has tight security with their stamps. However--being unleashed from the booth that held the rest of our belongs and 5 minutes past the final hour, I noticed a few employees taking my stuff away to TOSS! I had to then LEAVE Addie alone again (with a don't move a muscle from here look) and RUN my pregnant butt back to the table I had been chained to all day. They barely apologized, and since I had already paid the bill apparently manners did not matter! I had to stand in the corner waiting for my husband to help, carrying a cake and a bunch of goodie bags because they couldn't give me a place to put the stuff. Are you freaken kidding me?
So there is my rant. I am going to complain. I should note this came on the heels of me complaining (pre-bill) to the manager that I called a few days ago with questions and never heard back. His sweet apology included "It is my fault I never checked my voice mail". Stellar Chuck E Cheese stellar.
Needless to say I am relieved to be home. Even more so that the central air is pumping, and bedtime is nearing. Somehow I have visions of a big party rat dancing in my head. Starting tomorrow I am going to be a better person with the intention to never have to return to that place again.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
A Organized Space To Wrap
My project lately has been a mind blowing one that consists of the 187,995,0435 things we have accumulated since being married 7 years ago and need storage for. Since we are giving up our guest room which really is aka. storage room there is a need to purge, store, and sell. As I am working toward my first yard sale in July, I am trying to get my house in an organized manner before painting, moving furniture, and and setting up new rooms commences.
A big problem we are running into is our loss of a home office. This includes many things including all of my scarpbooking/craft supplies and wrapping materials. I down sized my scrapbooking stuff with the reality that I won't be getting back to that for some time now so why keep it all? Wrapping stuff however is a different story. There is always a birthday or holiday I need to whip something up. I didn't want to store it somewhere far up in the attic that I had to drag down each time. I came across something that would be workable on Pinterest of course! It was based on this Better Homes & Gardens Idea! Genius.
After doing some research I realized the person used the Container Store shelving that would cost me about $100! I could not justify this while we are buying other things we actually NEED! Then I ran into something that looked similar at Target this week! $34.99 SOLD!
And now my downstairs storage door looks like this:
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
April Vacation: Disney And Beach Fun
I can't seem to remember the last time I actually posted pictures to this blog! And so this is my hearty attempt to try to play catch up! Yes my kids are getting big (as am I with that baby growing)!
We spent a week in Florida for April vacation. Most of the week we spent at the family vacation home in West Palm, and the rest we spent in Disney. This was a brave move on my part, as it was exhausting as a preggo women working the parks. Although seeing my kids eyes light up made it so worth it! Rylan declares his favorite ride as Spaceship Earth, and was excited to have a meet and greet with Buzz. Addison nearly wet herself when seeing Minnie Mouse, Cinderella, and her all time beloved... Belle. It was amazing to see her enjoy it so much this time round since she was only 1 yr. old last time we were there. Addison is my brave one. Her favorite ride was Haunted Mansion and she went on it alone with her parents because her big brother refused to ride!
The rest of the vacation was perfection. We did a lot of beach time. Rylan is getting very brave in the water and needs swim lessons ASAP. Addison is still timid about the beach and prefers no waves. The best part about this vacation was watching them eat like horses, and sleep in! Rylan also has been transfixed on a name for the new baby and says if we don't end up calling him that, that he we still use the name! YIKES. Lucky for us it is on our short list (to be shared a later time).
Here is some highlights from our trip:
Daisy Love
Beach lounging
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