I was elbow in green cookie dough. It was the best I could do. I can't heal hearts- I wish I could. All I could do now is fill bellies with sweets and hope that it provides a moment of comfort. 80 cookies later-most of which going to a bake sale for my husbands work in honor of one of those sweet angels--I am still wondering how this happened here. Wondering why. 80 Sandy Hook Minty's later and there isn't an answer. 80 years from now I am sure there will be no clarity.
There hasn't be one single night-NOT ONE in a month-that I haven't sat in bed thinking over and over again what happened that day. My brain is trying to process something that is not easy or even possible to process. I keep stumbling upon the same question in my head: Why? Very blessed moment I have spent alone since that day-I sit in silence wondering the same question, over and over and over again.
I am usually one that can pray with ease. This time, for a month now, I have been unable to even put together a mere sentence in prayer that makes sense or provides such pleading need as I feel. I know God gets it regardless, but I just end up asking Him to walk with us, and heal the town over from me. To cover them with love for the rest of their journey on this earth. It will take just that for them to heal. An entire life.
I did what I could today in the wake of this horrible tragedy to spill love all over it. Cookies, food, hugs, stories, prayer while breathing Sandy Hook air. I even tried to get myself to bring cookies to the officer on duty at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, however I couldn't muster up the courage. My brain and my heart need boundaries, and I just couldn't get myself to that space. I did, however, do what I could do. Actions speak louder then words. Love speaks louder then hate. And light always beats darkness.
Today while driving through Newtown the site of a banner hanging on a bridge nearly took my breath away. A banner sent for Tuscon Arizona. When I drove toward it I thought it was a wonderful sentiment, and then driving beneath it--breathless. Thousands of signatures spreading love.
The world shifted a month ago. Mainly for the community of Newtown who continues to ache as it happened just yesterday. Trying, fighting for a new normal when nothing is normal. The world shifted for those communities surrounding that community. For those of us with first graders. For this great country that stands for so many great things, but still needs to implement laws to protect our future. The world shifted and sent love.
Many of us are in it for the long haul. Not just a month out, or any other major anniversary. I am in it for the daily need for prayers. The daily need to tousle my first graders head and be thankful for his life. The daily need to love others and set our ego aside. The daily need to love on this community next door until the day I die.
Tonight I am going to consciously go to sleep not focusing on the why--but the what now. Living life with kindness and love like my life depended on it--because the answer to the why--is: It does.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
My 6yr Old Made Me A Mom
My six year old is what made me a Mom. Prior to him, I loved children, but had no idea what birthing one could do to ones definition of love. The love I once knew prior to motherhood sort of exploded on the day he was born.
There hasn't been a night since December 14th that I haven't went over in my head what happened at Sandy Hook. There hasn't been a night I haven't awaken from nightmares or spooked from my own shadow in the dark. The first week out I nearly slept with the light on. My mind loops through classrooms I substitute in and places to hide kids, to Rylan's first grade classroom being the first classroom in, to the fear of those teachers that day, to the fear of those kids, to the mental state of the killer, to the fact this REALLY happened miles from my house, to my dear friends and acquaintances in Newtown, to all of the connections to the victims. One of which, a teacher, made my coffee weeks prior at s local Starbucks.
I wake up everyday holding my 4 month old and thinking about when Rylan was 4 months old. Doesn't seem so long ago when his baby brother is wearing his outfits. I think about what Bennett will be like when he is six. And then, almost daily, it smacks me in the face--this simple thought--all of those parents of those 20 angels the same age as my kid that made me a Mom-- they hugged their babies too. They dreamed bright futures. They trusted this world to protect them. And now they are stuck with memories.
6/7 years of memories just aren't enough.
Every night Rylan has been waking up with nightmares. For as much as I want to go back to sleep, I keep thinking about those parents that don't have the luxury of calming their child back to sleep. The empty bed. The smell of their child getting weaker. And it just makes me hold my six year old closer.
My kids are probably sick of their Mom telling them "I love you" every five seconds. They are probably also confused on why I am nearly in tears every time I drop them off before school. Now our reality as parents is wondering "could this be the last moment I see them".
Today I joined many in prayer for the Sandy Hook community as they go back to school. As a parent, as a teacher, I just can not imagine the bravery this takes. I get that we must move forward. I get that the world can not stop. However, some things bother me. Like the feeling like every day that goes by it is less in the forefront of our countries mind. People not from this area have literally said to me they don't want to talk about it any longer! It hasn't even been a MONTH! The signature flag pole in Newtown is already changed from half mast. And I can't help but want to say--SLOW DOWN.
I have smiled since. I have laughed since. I have loved on my children a whole lot more since. However, for me I am changed forever. All because my six year old made me a Mom. I will never be the same Mom again. Nor will I be the same teacher, social worker, friend, family member, citizen.
I will never forget. I will never stop praying for Newtown. I will always choose love.
There hasn't been a night since December 14th that I haven't went over in my head what happened at Sandy Hook. There hasn't been a night I haven't awaken from nightmares or spooked from my own shadow in the dark. The first week out I nearly slept with the light on. My mind loops through classrooms I substitute in and places to hide kids, to Rylan's first grade classroom being the first classroom in, to the fear of those teachers that day, to the fear of those kids, to the mental state of the killer, to the fact this REALLY happened miles from my house, to my dear friends and acquaintances in Newtown, to all of the connections to the victims. One of which, a teacher, made my coffee weeks prior at s local Starbucks.
I wake up everyday holding my 4 month old and thinking about when Rylan was 4 months old. Doesn't seem so long ago when his baby brother is wearing his outfits. I think about what Bennett will be like when he is six. And then, almost daily, it smacks me in the face--this simple thought--all of those parents of those 20 angels the same age as my kid that made me a Mom-- they hugged their babies too. They dreamed bright futures. They trusted this world to protect them. And now they are stuck with memories.
6/7 years of memories just aren't enough.
Every night Rylan has been waking up with nightmares. For as much as I want to go back to sleep, I keep thinking about those parents that don't have the luxury of calming their child back to sleep. The empty bed. The smell of their child getting weaker. And it just makes me hold my six year old closer.
My kids are probably sick of their Mom telling them "I love you" every five seconds. They are probably also confused on why I am nearly in tears every time I drop them off before school. Now our reality as parents is wondering "could this be the last moment I see them".
Today I joined many in prayer for the Sandy Hook community as they go back to school. As a parent, as a teacher, I just can not imagine the bravery this takes. I get that we must move forward. I get that the world can not stop. However, some things bother me. Like the feeling like every day that goes by it is less in the forefront of our countries mind. People not from this area have literally said to me they don't want to talk about it any longer! It hasn't even been a MONTH! The signature flag pole in Newtown is already changed from half mast. And I can't help but want to say--SLOW DOWN.
I have smiled since. I have laughed since. I have loved on my children a whole lot more since. However, for me I am changed forever. All because my six year old made me a Mom. I will never be the same Mom again. Nor will I be the same teacher, social worker, friend, family member, citizen.
I will never forget. I will never stop praying for Newtown. I will always choose love.
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