The Big Ultrasound

This pregnancy seemed so odd to me for so long. Any guesses of what the sex could be sort of seemed out the window since I never became this sick with either of the other kiddos. I sort of assumed maybe it would be girl since I didn't have slight sickness with Addie, and I didn't gain as much weight. Rylan, however, I felt like a rockstar and other then a few things I loathed and big huge baby bump I would have never known I was pregnant. This time I not only was sick for three months, I had (and still have) crazy aversions, and I am barely gaining the weight I had with either of the first two. And so it is true, every pregnancy is truly different.

This baby has also been a mover and a shaker from early one. I started feeling it around 12 weeks which is insane since usually the marker is around 18 weeks for the first flutter. I am 18 weeks this week and there is no "flutter" --they are full on kicks!

In my quest to try to make myself organized and ready, I have spent months trying to figure out who is going where in the house. When I got up today I knew an ending to my endless wonder of what it would look like would come to an end. I also realized that the awesome girl name I was stuck on could go down the tubes, that the girl clothes I had for Addison wouldn't match the seasons for this baby, and that my sweet nephew's wardrobe would match perfectly if it was a boy.

The ultrasound seemed to take forever. Luckily everything was perfect, and we were told that it is rare to see such a perfectly healthy baby. When it came time to determine the sex, the baby decided to hide its private parts on us. It would not budge, and so I got up to move around, poke him, and use the bathroom. Luckily one, if not all, of these things made the baby flip. As soon as the tech put the wand of the ultrasound on my stomach--DING... up on the screen is one big penis.

And so we are having another boy.

My husband says this is perfect since his littler girl will now have book ends of brothers to take care of her. We also don't have to be so worrisome about clothing, and Rylan has been wanting to share his boy toys with the baby for weeks. For a moment I mourned the awesome baby girl name, and then came back into reality thinking another Mommas boy on the way. Not a June bug.... but a sweet baby Summer ending boy.

And now... the real planning begins!

A Snapshot of Baby #Tres

Thy Former Self

Recently a Mom friend of mine said the words "In my former life I ....". This made me laugh and think-ain't that the truth. The long list of things I did and was in my former life before being Mom is long and distant. I think about how my life once was and that person seems like an entirely different being. It is interesting how life goes on and you morph into different types of who you are, and what you are meant to be. I will never say I stayed stagnant in all ways of my life for 30 years. The ability to barely recognize the girl I was less then ten years ago sort of speaks to the growth that has been given all thanks to change.

One thing that has not changed in my heart. I went into social work because my heart was in it to help people with addiction find their way again. It was work I loved, but often was equally as heartbreaking. After working with teenagers in the inner-city that got caught up in addiction, gangs, and giving up education for the streets, I realized my next step. Education was not equal in this free country, and I really wanted to impact kids before they entered this stage of life. I wanted to inspire them to choose education instead of the streets before there wasn't a choice. And so, off I went to change careers--again! I can only hope in the two years I taught I did just what I intended to do.

Then I choose motherhood full-time. While pregnant with my first I fully intended to go back to work when he was a few months old, until he was born and sickly. It was only in the height of his sickness I realized my life needed to be less about my career hat and more about my mother one. It has been a tremendous blessing to be able to stay home and be hands on at molding the very start of each life we brought into this world. I never missed a first anything, and I also lived in sweat pants with stained shirts for more years then I can count. It hasn't been all butterflies and sunshine, but it still has been a blessing.

In my former life I used to be a professional. My career was numero uno. For this to take a drastic back seat in this point in my life it has been life altering. Truth be told, I miss it. I wouldn't change what I have had for the past few years for anything, but man do I miss the classroom. It was a new start to a new career that I had great plans to make a difference in. I even miss the ol' drug rehab some days. I think both careers provided me the ability to make a difference in the world on a greater scale. Now in my life I am focusing on making a difference in my kids lives. Both equally important, and both I plan to do at different stages of my life.

In my former life I also had no concept of money or stress/time. I thought I was so poor--when really I was spending money on insane things (I used to get a new Ann Taylor outfit every pay check!), and had no concept of saving. Never mind the fact I had thought that my first job out the door of grad school would pay off the insane amounts of student loans I took out for college, and grad school. What was I thinking? In my former life I also thought I was busy, and stressed. You know that time in life you can go out and do what ever you life after work. The time in my life that weekends were mine, and I could sleep in until 11 am if I choose. I thought I didn't have time and I can help but ask my former self...what the hell did you exactly not have "time" to do?

I could smack my former self.

However, with ignorance sometimes gets a pass since that chick didn't know any better. At least I can look back and think I helped a lot of people--but damn... I had NO IDEA what certain aspects of life are about. And with all do respect to my present self, I still don't. The beauty of the ever changing life stages is that I will once look back at this former self and probably want to smack her too!

For now I am Mom. A Mom who flirts with other peoples classrooms by substituting a few days a week. A Mom who once lived for her career and as a learner. A Mom who has barely read any books for 6 years that don't pertain to potty training, and finding inner peace in Motherhood. This Mom job is a much harder career then I ever had. Even if my former self used to be a scholar, my present one can change diapers in under 30 seconds.

We all have our former selves. The question remains what have you done to acknowledge that person, and how have you grown? Sometimes when reflecting on this it is a beautiful start to arranging future goals you hope to obtain. What do you miss about the former you?

This Is How We Prepare

My doctor looked at me and couldn't help herself but laugh out loud. I had asked her a question she has never came across before. Normally pregnant ladies have questions about what they can and can't eat, or the amount of exercise they can do. Me--I am worried about vacation. A normal person would ask about flying--nope not my question. Or worry about being out of the country and the health care--again not my question. My question was simply this: "Is is ok to snorkel while pregnant?". A first for my doctor, who through her laughs said, "if you are getting oxygen the baby is getting oxygen. Hard life you lead Aimee".

In our preparation for making room for baby number 3, and for preparing for the "year of the baby" (we all know what that is--chained to bottle making, diapers, and sleepless nights), we decided to take a little time off as parents. We are blessed to have great friends of ours in Bermuda, which is why this question came up. We are lucky enough to be taking this trip a month after our family trip to Florida which could also be a snorkel possibility. Life might not be tough now, but in a few months it is sure to be full of wanting to give my left arm up for a shower and a full nights sleep. This is how we prepare.

Speaking of preparing--we are in the midst of putting out every idea combination on how to set up our home. Do we bunk 2 kids and stay upstairs? Or do we allow everyone their own room and we (parents) move downstairs? I am not really feeling the latter since our kids are still so young. In just a few weeks we will have confirmation of the babies gender and will really be able to set our plans (whatever they may be) in motion. It still baffles me that I will have to take out baby clothes and baby stuff out of my attic for my OWN kid. I have been offering them up for years to other people to borrow and thankfully when I gave them, I stressed the borrow part. Who knew I would be back here again?

Pregnancy wise I am feeling ok. The nausea is over, and the crazy helpless fatigue has vanished. Now I am just dealing with odd cravings (steak sauce, fruit smoothies, strawberry shortcake, PICKLES--lots of pickles), and trying to not pay attention to the number on the scale. I just recovered from a 15 day sinus infection which seems to always hit me while preggers, and I am happy to have the use of my nose back. I started to feel the baby SUPER early on. Apparently after having 2 kids prior you become an expert at fetal movement. This has helped me out while keeping me calm during this stage when the baby isn't big enough to feel them all the time. All in all I have no complaints except the long to do list that is about to come around the corner.

Rylan can not wait to be a big brother again. Our situation with his school sort of dimmed out. We got a few solutions but the major overall feel was that we got brushed aside and hushed. The fact of the matter is we aren't going to be happy as long as the principal is still the principal. We are wavering about our next steps since have been heavily considering a major move in the near future. For now Rylan is content, and although we aren't happy with his school, he is right now. He astonishes me with how quickly he is growing up. I nearly fell off a chair a few weeks ago when he read a full book to me from cover to cover. He also happens to be the worlds walking encyclopedia. He reads a lot of non-fiction books, and homeboy is like a sponge. He gets facts one time and they stick! His memory is so fascinating to us that he reminded me of an incident he part took in when he was under a year old! An incident I will not go into detail since it is so incredibly embarrassing on my part. Little did I know my BABY would have a memory of it! The doctors always say kids don't make memories until they are a year and a half--not mine. This kid remembers every day he has walked this earth, and everything he has taken in and absorbed.

Addison has been walking around declaring she has a baby in her belly too. She swears our baby will be called baby Addie. She will be in total shock once August rolls around. I realized recently that the kids will actually be spaced out almost to the exact year! Rylan was about to turn 3 when Addison was born, and Addison will have just turned 3 when the newbie comes along. Granted we are working with the month of June anymore--but funny still how things work out even when they are not under my control. Addison is a none stop talker. She is full of dramatics, and when she doesn't like something she has her arms crossed and pouting. She is also a grand lover. There isn't a day that passes she doesn't remind me she loves me so much. I am so blessed to have such loving kids!

Pete and I are in the throws of planning out what we want to do, where we want to go, and wrapping our heads around THREE kids! It will certainly help with a little bit of sunshine next month and a stop off to Disney. It will help even more when we can take a load off in May and just be us for a small bit while in Bermuda.

And yes I will be snorkeling big belly and all. The fish may think I am a whale and swim away, but I will give it my best shot!

Follow Up: School Stress

Sitting next to my phone is my bullet point list of issues I have had with Rylan's school since the start of the year. It is my armor, as the moment the phone rings I get flustered with nerves. I am a ball of worry, and stress.

I got a phone call last night from the associate superintendent who seemed to really listen to my concerns, and cared. She is supposed to call back today with solutions, and I am looking forward to it. In the meantime, I am cringing on the thought of the people I have issues with also calling. I am not exactly sure what to say without either blowing up or crying. I have had enough crying this week.

I am hoping for a quick ending and a positive solution so that I don't have fight a long drawn out deal that makes me completely stressed out. I barely ate yesterday, I am dreaming about this issue, and I am literally walking around sick to my stomach. This can not be good for my unborn baby. My blood pressure must be sky rocketing. But what is the alternative? I stay quiet and nothing gets done?

Sending Rylan to school today after getting the ball rolling made me even more sick. I just want to protect him. I worried people would be pulling him aside and trying to "talk" to him about things I complained about. I want him not to notice the fight. I want him to go unscathed. I can't trust this school will do right by him. I can only hope the phone call I expect by the end of today from the associate superintendent will be one of appropriate action.

When Enough Is Enough

Contrary to what most people who know me might think, I am not one to ruffle feathers. Confrontation is not a strong suit of mine unless I am advocating for someone that has nothing to do with my life. I was great at it as a social worker, not so great at it as a person.

I think in general we mill around letting things roll off our backs that we shouldn't. We often avoid listening to our inner-gut because we get into habit and don't want to hurt anyones feelings. We accept less out of life situations then we shouldn't. Then we get knocked over, the wind taken out of our lungs, in a situation that calls for immediate attention, and all of those minor things before it were the mere warning that nothing good was to come out of it. Action was needed, even from those of us who are uncomfortable with doing so.

Change doesn't happen unless you are willing to open your mouth sometimes. It may brand me the "loud mouth" or the "negative one", but at the end of the day it will make a difference. When I make a big deal out of something in my "real" life, then it must be for good measure. If you remember I did so with changing of pediatricians. It took be 5 years to do this. Five years of less then stellar care for my kids, and rolling with the punches to wake up and realize they deserved better. Ever since we changed to a new place, it is as if the old never existed. All those night of worry that I would upset someone meaningless. They are still in business, and I am finally at place that knows my kids names and cares for them the way I expect.

Where am I going with this?

Rylan's school. It has gone from bad to worse.

A little history: here in town we have 2 elementary schools. There is no rhyme or reason on who is chosen to go to what school. They call it "random" but more often then not it is clear random really means who is going to put up a stink or know someone. There is a clear better school, and one that is a clear lesser. When Rylan was chosen to be placed in the lesser, we wrote letters and asked kindly for mercy (he was already in preschool at the "better" school). The response we got was a kind phone call saying the schools are exactly the same an basically that we would have to deal.

After being promised the schools were the same, we went in with as much excitement as we could. At first the school seemed welcoming, and the principal seemed to try to instill a sense of kindness.

Soon after Rylan started to come home saying he didn't like school because the principal was scary and mean. We brushed it off and told him he was a nice guy.

Next, I got called in for a meeting about the services my son is getting with only a days heads up. I went in blindly not knowing what is was about. The "team" were all complete strangers to me except for the teacher. Not one had reached out to me and it was already well into October. They mentioned they all had made a decision about hours of service and never included me in the conversation. They pushed a piece of paper toward me to sign, and I realized that is all they needed me for. I was no longer part of my sons special ed team as I was at the old school. I was just a signature that didn't deserve a phone call about concerns, or even an inclination on what this meeting was about.

Since it was October I decided not to judge, and I carried on with what I thought was a positive outlook. Until parent teacher conferences came, and I requested to meet with all the providers, and only 2 showed up. The one that called the meeting in October, was a no show. I still didn't know her name, or how my child was doing under her care. She never contacted me. When I complained about this to the teacher in Decemeber, I expected something would certainly be done then. It is March, and I still don't know her name. She has never spoken to me (besides in the meeting I was blindsided in), and I could not pick her in a line up if I tried. Is this the special ed services I want for my kid? A team that doesn't include me, ignores me, and makes me feel out of the loop on what my kid needs help with? This is drastically different then the old school. The team there was like family to me. I was never the last to know something, I was the first. After all, I am the parent, not just a signature.

Rylan never had accidents since the day he was potty trained. He was the kid that if he was washing his hands and got water on himself, we had to change the entire outfit. Suddenly in this school he is not only having multiple accidents, he is sitting in it ALL day without anyone noticing. Fine for one time, but by the fifth I am fuming. When I ask Rylan why he didn't ask to go to the bathroom, or told anyone he had an accident his response is the same theme we started out the school year with: "I'm scared" he said. I call the teacher, I ask her to reassure him. He comes home to tell me in Kindergarten he is told this is unacceptable.

How much more can I take?

The school itself runs very differently then the other school. Parents are not welcomed to everything. A school party is only limited to the same few parents over and over again. I am thankful I became a room Mom for this reason. If I hadn't I would never be invited in. At Christmas the school had a holiday sing-a-long that parents were NOT invited to. They told us we could watch our kids on the local tv channel. Meanwhile the school across the street entertained an huge sing-a-long with any and all parents that wanted to come. Heck, I could have went even without my kid being part of that school. When a school shuts out parents you can't help but wonder what is going on behind close doors that you don't want them to see?

Then I saw it. I dropped my kid off at school the other day. The cars line up in front of the stairway and one by one little backpacks run up to school. An adult is always waiting at the top for their safe arrival. One this particular day I see a face I never see out there--the principal. I say happily to Rylan "oh look Mr K is out to greet you. Isn't that nice?"--his face changes not to happy, but to worry. When it is our turn, I unlock the doors, roll my pregnant self out of the minivan, open the side door (I have an older model that does not have automatic door openers), I have to crawl into the back to unbuckle my Kindergartner who is still in s booster seat and can't unbuckle himself because the buckle is under his sisters car seat, he gets out, I put his backpack on him, I kiss him and tell him to have a good day, and shut the door. As I turn to get back in my car I hear yelling. The principal is YELLING at me. "MOVE it. Don't you see all the cars behind you. You are holding up the line". His tone is belittling and my kid is shaking. I reassure Rylan everything is ok, and I pretend I don't hear this jerk treating a tax paying parent this way.

I wish I could say I had a snarky comeback. I even thought about yelling words out to him that nobody should say at a elementary school. Instead I found myself dropping my daughter off at preschool, to sit in the parking lot to cry. I cried for two hours. And every time I talked about it that day, I cried. I cried because I was stunned this professional thought he could speak to me this way. I cried because I wasn't welcome in his school that my child spent most of his time at. I cried because my kid needed extra help and the team I thought I was part of, I still have yet to talk to. I cried because to them I am just a signature. The value of being a parent doesn't matter. I cried because I was finally done caring about hurting peoples feelings, and would have to do what I am uncomfortable doing--- I have to speak up.

And so I am giving myself a few days to calm down and collect my thoughts. My husband and I are going in with a plan knowing it has to be well thought out. I have to regroup and deliver my requests without being all over the place emotionally.

I just want whats best for my son. I want the parent-school relationship to be valued. I want to feel like it is a safe place for my kids on either end. And it's not.