Yes I Am Made Of Stone

Nobody has ever accused me of having a heart of stone. Actually, my heart is my soft spot, which is why I can sometimes come off a bit hard because I am my only protector of it. If I am not careful I can easily be transformed into someones doormat, or start to dance upon someones pity stage because I try to be "Mrs. Fix It". Therefore my heart is still made of bouncy, red, flesh, and couldn't be further away from casting stones.

What I do own that is made of stone, and loves to cast them off: kidneys.

They have become my own worst enemy since I first woke up with nasty, unforgiving, kidney stones on late night in my early twenties. I sat in Lenox Hill Hospital ER in NYC in the dead of the night. I was somewhere in between the shot victim, the suicide attempt, and the overdoser. Why is it all bad things seem to happen in the dead of the night? A million tests later, and a morphine drip, I was fine awaiting, and birthing, my first arrival... a nice large Kidney stone. I meant for it to sound as if I was in labor, because it is exactly that my friends, except WORSE. (I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not). So I labored, and birthed a stone, and it was the start of my new life with Kidney's that cast stones.

My Kidney's are assholes. Both of them make mean stone babies, and both cast them off to laugh in the pain of their victim: ME. They are by far the #1 product of evil, and I am sure it is proof I did some really bad shit in my past life, or have crap genetics! (which could be the latter since my Father and Grandfather also have assholes for Kidney's).

I made it through two entire pregnancies without my Kidney's acting up. I thought they repented or something. I kept thinking, "good for my Kidney's being reborn and finding God". I went from having stones cast every year for most of my upper twenties, to none for four entire years! Then, my Kidney's showed me they haven't forgotten me, my genetics, or my past life offensives, and in fact they had not repented or found the holy father.

Two days ago I woke up with horrid lower back Kidney pain (sign #1). It then moved to the front (sign #2), and soon I was sitting under a x-ray machine in search of that f'n stone I am supposed to birth. I much rather have a sweet baby in the end to greet me. Which makes me re-think: Am I done having babies for realz since I would rather have that as an end result instead of a stone? The doctor tells me it could be an infection, my appendix (PLEASE GOD NOOOOOO), my Endometriosis, Kidney stones, or a combo.

So I tossed back an antibiotic last night, had a heaping glass of cranberry juice, a Tylenol (she offered me bigger pain meds but I turned it down for now), a bottle of water, and waited for my bladder to explode, and my results. I went to sleep in the only position I can sleep in when dealing with my jerk off Kidney's and that is in the fetal position.

I awoke feeling better. Still waiting for results, and thinking about the fact that it was the first time I stopped and took care of myself in months.

It has been one crazy Summer. I was constantly moving from one thing to the next. Kidney stones or whatever it was, totally blows, but you know what the bright side is: it makes you stop. Asshole Kidneys don't care about your schedule, who you are with, or where you are. They just come, cut your ass down, and make you concentrate on only one thing: your health and well being. Funny thing is the last time I had them was the night before my first day of teaching third grade in my second year of teaching a few years ago. Maybe it is becoming a "welcome to Fall" gift. All I know is I got the memo. I need to slow down and take care of me. (and the scale in the doctors office told me so too). I need to get back to caring what is being shoved in my mouth, and taking time out in the day to be active. I absolutely need to take a breath, and I shouldn't need agonizing pain to remind me to do so.

So I am breathing over here, thinking about how messy my house is, and all the things we have planned for the weekend. While reminding myself, I need to take it easy for the next few days until the doctor informs me I am in the clear. I will refocus, regroup, and move on. To think this battle between Aimee vs Kidney's is over would be just plain dumb. So I will be awaiting the ticking time bomb to explode, and hope it lands on a day that isn't in a foreign land, or meeting Oprah for the first time.

I'm Aimee and I have a Kidney of stone (actually TWO). Don't mess with me, it makes me sort of bad ass.